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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Arghh... The friendships ruined, isn't it?

41 replies

honestlynotagain · 16/12/2018 21:23

So my friend left her job at the beginning of the year to become a child minder. She asked me if I would consider sending my two boys to her and after some discussion, I agreed.
My boys have been there 7 weeks now. (one is 3years the other 9months) they attend two days a week. In that time, I have had to collected the youngest twice (he was too clingy and she couldnt focus on the others) and she has shut once for a sickness bug she caught and now she is closed again for another sickness bug. Out of a possible 14 sessions my boys have attended 9. I know illness can't be helped but she's just sent me a shitty text telling me to pay my fees on time (I've never had a late payment)
I'm looking into a nursery but I think it will destroy the friendship. I think she's unreliable. Am I expecting too much?

OP posts:
WineAndTiramisu · 16/12/2018 21:25

If you want to save the friendship could you say a grandparent really wants to look after them? Then book a nursery anyway?

Isleepinahedgefund · 16/12/2018 21:31

Yes it is. Find a nursery.

She sounds a bit overwhelmed, maybe it's not the job she thought.

Is it normal for childminders to ask for specific children to be picked up because they can't focus on the others while that child is there? Sounds off to me.

Original poster
honestlynotagain · 16/12/2018 21:31

I might have to say something like that.
I'm fed up of being spoken to like a child. I did reply to the message to check tmit was meant for me and was I formed that everyone got it. Hey-ho

OP posts:
PavlovianLunge · 16/12/2018 21:31

I think the shitty text tells you something about the state of the friendship and how she sees you.

Keep looking into nurseries, make a decision based on what’s best for you and your family. If that means going elsewhere, give her suitable notice and let the friendship take its chances.

Original poster
honestlynotagain · 16/12/2018 21:33

Is it normal for childminders to ask for specific children to be picked up because they can't focus on the others while that child is there? Sounds off to me.

I have no idea. I'm quite new to this as was a sahm for the first one. I'm worried about my 9 month old. It's also going to be difficult to find another setting.

OP posts:
TinkerSpy · 16/12/2018 21:34

Definitely time to look for a nursery!

Friendship aside, she's only met 65% of sessions, that's pretty bad.

Shitonthebloodything · 16/12/2018 21:36

I've used a few childminders over the years and have never been asked to collect early for any reason other than illness. I think she's unreasonable and possibly not cut out for the job. Definitely look elsewhere.

Original poster
honestlynotagain · 16/12/2018 21:37

@tinkerspy it's such a headache. I like to think I'm quite easy going but I don't think having a friendship first has done us any favours. It's a shame because she's lovely.

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 16/12/2018 21:37

I would look for something different. To be honest I don't think I'd let a friend look after my child in this kind of situation as lines get blurred. At least if something's wrong in a usual setting you can sort it out without having to worry

donquixotedelamancha · 16/12/2018 21:38

she's just sent me a shitty text telling me to pay my fees on time (I've never had a late payment)

Why has she sent you a text then? How was the text shitty? That seems very odd. Is it that you haven't paid for the sessions she is ill and she thinks you should?

On the moving childcare- I would just explain that you have found her having to close for illness inconvenient and have decided a nursery will work better- not her fault, just that you have different needs. I think a dishonest reason will ruin the friendship but she should not be childish about the genuine limitations of her service.

donquixotedelamancha · 16/12/2018 21:40

I'm fed up of being spoken to like a child. I did reply to the message to check tmit was meant for me and was I formed that everyone got it. Hey-ho

Cross post. How many parents does she deal with that she's sending blanket messages rather than addressing the specific issue? Does seem a little rude.

MadameDuBarry · 16/12/2018 21:41

You were unwise to mix friendship and a professional service, OP. That almost never works. I would look elsewhere and accept that the friendship is unlikely to recover.

frenchknitting · 16/12/2018 21:41

To be fair, both my children were sent hone at least that much in the first few months at nursery. It got to the point where I was panicking about how it just wasn't going to work, and then it settled down.

However... saying that, I'd personally not use a child minder for babies, and definitely not a friend.

emmagreen481 · 16/12/2018 21:43

Is she qualified or experienced? Sounds a bit shitty for her to be sending kids home like that.
Just tell her you’re sending them to a nursery for the social aspect of it

Original poster
honestlynotagain · 16/12/2018 21:44

@donquixotedelamancha she can be quite blunt.
The contract for signed stated that I don't have to pay for any sessions that I can't attend due to her closing them. She doesn't get paid for her own illnesses (I had to pay when I picked my "clingy" baby up...)
Oh crap. The more I think on this the more I wish I hadn't bothered.

OP posts:
Suziepoozie · 16/12/2018 21:47

How many under 5’s is she actually looking after? She sounds overwhelmed. I’d just cut your losses and find a nursery. I know hindsight is a beautiful thing but friends and business don’t mix.

Original poster
honestlynotagain · 16/12/2018 21:48

@frenchknitting that's a interesting point. I did wonder how long it would take my two to settle.
I'm pretty sure most of the good will I built up at work is ebbing.

OP posts:
Pinkyyy · 16/12/2018 21:49

Work and friendship never mix well. Time to look for a nursery

Suziepoozie · 16/12/2018 21:49

I used to be a childminder’s assistant but according to google she should only have 3 under 5’s and 1 under 1 if she’s on her own with no assistant. To my mind she should be able to deal with a clingy kid with those ratios, she might not be able to go out that day but at home it should be manageable. Has she had training?

Original poster
honestlynotagain · 16/12/2018 21:49

@suzie you're right.!

OP posts:
Original poster
honestlynotagain · 16/12/2018 21:52

@suzie yes she has and she's very hot on professional development. I genuinely believe she has their best interests at heart but I think she treats me differently because she knows me. She minded one girl who had a temp and sore throat and was sick with flu and didn't ring the parent to pick up.

OP posts:
QueenDramaLlama · 16/12/2018 21:53

She called you to pick your baby up because she couldn't cope, and then charged you?
Yep, sorry but the friendship is over.

LIZS · 16/12/2018 21:55

Are you working or is she taking advantage of you being available to pick your dc up? Does she have children herself?

Original poster
honestlynotagain · 16/12/2018 21:56

@lizs yes she does a child. I am working now and have had 3 days off. I've been back 2 weeks.

OP posts:
Winegumaddict · 16/12/2018 22:01

Just for context my eldest is 3.5 and has been to the childminder since she was 10 months and I've never had to collect her early (I've been lucky she's rarely ill). Additionally my childminder has only been sick once or twice I think. I pay if I miss a session through choice or illness of my DC but I don't pay if it's the child minders holiday or if she was sick. In your shoes I'd find another childcare provider.

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