Arghh... The friendships ruined, isn't it?

[honestlynotagain]

So my friend left her job at the beginning of the year to become a child minder. She asked me if I would consider sending my two boys to her and after some discussion, I agreed.
My boys have been there 7 weeks now. (one is 3years the other 9months) they attend two days a week. In that time, I have had to collected the youngest twice (he was too clingy and she couldnt focus on the others) and she has shut once for a sickness bug she caught and now she is closed again for another sickness bug. Out of a possible 14 sessions my boys have attended 9. I know illness can't be helped but she's just sent me a shitty text telling me to pay my fees on time (I've never had a late payment)
I'm looking into a nursery but I think it will destroy the friendship. I think she's unreliable. Am I expecting too much?

Perhaps frame it in terms of work being unhappy that you have had time off due to covering emergency childcare due to childminder sickness, and in order to protect yourself at work you need to move them to a nursery where they wouldn’t generally close for staff sickness?

If her unreliability is affecting you working then nursery is a better option. It may affect your friendship but if she cannot cope already it may be doing you and her a favour longer term. Does your 3yo go to preschool?

You were unwise to mix friendship and a professional service, OP. That almost never works.

It worked very well for me for many years, many children and many friendships. I think a lot of parents would choose to send their child to a friend simply because they know and trust them already.

OP, I don't think it's at all reasonable to expect a parent to collect a child who is 'too clingy'. It sounds to me like this lady has bitten off more than she can chew. Now you need to put your children's welfare first and find a different childminder or a nursery to care for your children.

I doubt that the friendship will survive so I think it's probably a good idea to tell her openly why you are moving the children on so that she can adjust her approach. Otherwise she may not find that her childminding business thrives for long.

Definitely start looking into alternate care now, you might have a bit of a wait so get something in place before you leave her. I think childcare can be a really touchy subject and it’s best to get out now while you can still be civil.

I sent my DC to my friend when she became an after school childminder. My DC grumbled at the shite food, lack of vegetables and she grumbled how hard it was looking after additional kids. I grumbled that homework wasn't done and they were left watching TV all the time. I moved them sharpish and it nearly toppled our friendship but we did manage to salvage it at a later stage. She didn't carry on childminding she decided it wasn't for her.

I think if she's writing snippy texts now, then she won't be your friend if you pull out, but I think you really have to. I'd tell her you'd had a disciplinary meeting and you were given a warning.

If she's blunt she'll value you being blunt - or at least straight to the point. Agree with pp that she needs detailed feedback to address her business model.

You may well salvage this friendship, even if it goes quiet for a while. ime people value clear (not unkind!) feedback because it shows you care enough to bother. I really value friends who have got over difficulties in order to keep our friendship.

I would just tell her that u can't pick the little one up due to being clingy as your job will start getting in your back (if working) and say that you will be looking into a nursery,so unless every assistant is sick your children can still attend.
Where as at the moment it's only her and if she is sick you have no childcare.jusr say it's not her fault but because of these things you don't have a choice and that you are telling her the truth so your friendship isn't hurt

"I'm looking into a nursery but I think it will destroy the friendship."
No, the friendship has been destroyed by her strongarming you into leaving your children with her and her not being up to the job. I wouldn't be feeling too friendly towards her at this point.

I am worried about my 9 month old... that sentence says it all! She’s clearly not cut out to be a childminder and I’m sure after all is said and done, you would much perfer to leave your children with trained professionals, in a nice environment. She sound like she’s not able to cope and a cf also, expecting you to pay when she’s sick and when she sent your baby home for being to clingy!🙄

Friendship or not, this is a business relationship.
When you choose your childcare you do so with multiple things to consider. A nursery has more staff to cover and therefore the chance of them closing because of holidays or illness is minimal. If this is an important factor that is causing your feelings to alter about the suitability of a child minder over nursery then act on it. Removing a child from a session that has been paid for because they are too clingy is not really on. It sounds like she mis managed that. Sending a round robin text 're payment is a little lazy. If you think that you need to change arrangements, then do so by separating your business arrangements from your friendship, emotionally. This is not really working. You were pleased to help her start her business but feel a nursery provides a wider coverage for your working situation and requirements. Give her notice once you have a start date and move on.

If a childminder is sick, or sends your child home (due to incompetence) she has no right to charge you. If you choose not to send your child, then you still pay. Either of these scenarios are irrelevant whether you’re friends or not, it is her business, and your child takes up a space. I’d never have used her in the first place, never mix business with pleasure!

The relationship has changed from friends to client/service provider.
Move your children, they are your number one priority.
Get them settled and happy and then see if the friendship can be saved (if you want it).
Otherwise maybe it’s time to let go.

She charged for a session when she phoned you to collect your baby because she couldn't cope !? That's really cheeky.

If she knows anything about babies, she will know that 9-10 months is the trickiest age of all, for settling with a new carer.

Yes, find a nursery. Or a realistic minder. Catching all the bugs going is normal though. I'm afraid it's just a stage to go through.

I think we'd all love to have a business where, when the going gets difficult, we can shunt the job back onto the client and still charge them for the work we aren't doing. There's a good reason why that business model can't work, though.

I'd honestly start looking for a bigger nursery setting where there's more staff. Your friend sounds overwhelmed and doesn't appear to be handling it well. Probably not what she thought it would be.

Your children have to come first. If the friendship is ruined because she can't admit it wasn't the right setting for them and for you, and it doesn't sound reliable enough for you or comforting enough for them, then too bad. She should be thinking of the kids first, too. It's now her job!