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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Want to spend Christmas at home not at MIL’s!

32 replies

KellyW88 · 16/12/2018 20:30

My twins were born prematurely in October 2017 and spent their first Christmas in the NICU - they didn’t come home until February this year... despite the situation we had to convince MIL that us not travelling to hers at Christmas wasn’t us dodging her - but we obviously wanted to spend Christmas in the hospital with our babies, our DD was very sick with bronchialitis (probably spelt wrong sorry!)

This year she wants us all to travel to hers for Christmas and insists it’s to “give us some rest” whilst she looks after the twins - she adores them but doesn’t get to see them as often as she would like... the thing is it’s not really “time off” as she is happy playing with them and cuddling but me and DH still take care of feeds, nappies, baths etc.

More than that - it’s our first Christmas together at OUR home, we would like to experience it just us four... but I can’t seem to convince MIL that we don’t want to go to hers, even though we know it will upset her not to see the twins (we have offered that she journey to see us on the day if she would like but she tells us she’s too tired or busy)...

What would you do as she’s generally a lovely woman - she means well but often can’t see another persons perspective easily Sad

OP posts:
Ifangyow · 16/12/2018 20:34

Tell her firmly that its not practical for you to go to hers, but she's welcome to come to you and mean it.
If she wants to give you a break, tell her she's more than welcome to crack on with making Xmas lunch while she's there.

Justmuddlingalong · 16/12/2018 20:34

If you and DH want to spend it at home, get him to deal with it. She can be invited to yours, if she refuses, then you stay at home and she stays at her home.

RangeRider · 16/12/2018 20:46

Stay at home. If she's that desperate to see them she'll come to you - the fact that she's making excuses says it all. It's your first Christmas at home as a family.

TroysMammy · 16/12/2018 20:53

Growing up I never saw my Grandparents on Christmas Day. We didn't have a telephone to speak to them either. We visited for 2 hours on Boxing Day. They lived 5 miles away. My Dad refused to go anywhere on Christmas Day (only driver in the family and always had a skinful in the pub). I've had my own place for 30 years and still at the age of 79 he refuses to have his Christmas lunch anywhere but his home.

Stick to your guns OP. Christmas is to be enjoyed with your babies.

GemmeFatale · 16/12/2018 21:08

I don’t understand why you’re still trying to convince her.

Thank you for the invite but we will be staying home with the twins.

Then just stop discussing it.

Handsfull13 · 16/12/2018 21:11

You are too tired and too busy to pack up your babies and all their things to go to her for Xmas. She is welcome to come to yours but you won't be travelling. End of.

Why should her wants be a priority of yours. Enjoy your first Christmas at home

Biancadelriosback · 16/12/2018 21:18

This is our first Christmas in our home as well. DS has spent his first Xmas in hospital and last year we drove around all grandparents, aunts, uncles (no one had a bed for us) and home again. It was exhausting! And upsetting for DS as he hated the car seat that day.
This year we've told everyone were staying at home and they are more than welcome to drop by. Well my parents have taken this quite well, but in-laws keep insisting that they don't live too far away so why not just drive up and see them? Tbh, we could but we're digging in now

BusyMum47 · 16/12/2018 21:53

Stick to your guns - she's being very unreasonable! I've been there as a kid & a parent - racing round on Xmas Day to please other people is really shit!! Why do people think you can just 'nip' to see them when you have small kids?? You need half a ton of crap just to leave the house for a day, let alone stay over. DIG YOUR HEELS IN! 😉

PanamaPattie · 16/12/2018 22:06

Say no to her invite. Don't engage any further. It's about your Christmas not hers.

masterandmargarita · 16/12/2018 22:07

Stay at home next year

Littleraindrop15 · 16/12/2018 22:11

Can you lie and say you have a virus with v and d and can not travel and will catch her next year. That way its circumstances rather than you saying no and she will not feel bad either?

CrazyOldBagLady · 16/12/2018 22:11

You are not BU for wanting to stay at home, particularly since last Christmas must have been very hard for you. How far away does MIL live? Is it feasible to pop over for a couple of hours?

Sexnotgender · 16/12/2018 22:14

I don’t really understand why you’re trying to convince her. Just say no, thank you we’re staying at home but you’re welcome to join us if you want and don’t discuss it any further.

CantWaitToRetire · 16/12/2018 22:26

She’s obviously hoping you’ll give in and agree to her wants. Don’t play the game OP, just get DH to say firmly that it doesn’t work for you and that it’s not up for debate. If she’s “too tired/busy” to visit you then she doesn’t see the babies, her choice.

Leeds2 · 16/12/2018 22:32

Just keep saying no, without any explanation or excuse. And make sure DH is saying exactly the same thing. Reiterate the invitation for her to come to you, if she wants, as long as you genuinely mean it.
Offer to go to hers on Christmas Eve, or Boxing Day, if that would help.

UbercornsGoggles · 16/12/2018 22:39

This is very similar to our situation. My parents are coming to us on Christmas day, my sister declined the invite. As soon as Mil found out my sister had declined she invited us plus my parents to hers, even though I'd told her we wanted to be in our own home for Christmas day.

In the end I just told her very firmly that we wanted to have Christmas at home and start making family traditions for our 2 year old. She seems to have accepted that, though probably isn't happy.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/12/2018 22:46
Confused

You don't have to "convince" her of anything. You simply tell her you're not going to hers for Christmas. You're staying home. End of. Conversation closed. She may not like it but she'll get over it.

MattFreisCheekyDimples · 16/12/2018 22:58

I should think you're exhausted with preemie 1yo twins. You don't need to be away over Christmas on top of that. If really she can't see this, I'm not sure she qualifies for the 'lovely' label. I never understand why MILs (and some DMs for that matter) go so bonkers over GCs that it makes them completely unable to see that anyone but them has any needs or feelings.

QueenArseClangers · 16/12/2018 23:08

I’m absolutely gobsmacked that she wanted you to leave your babies in NICU to go and visit her last Christmas! Shock

Who the fuck does that?

BumbleBeee69 · 16/12/2018 23:11

Why is this your issue to resolve and not your Husbands ? Tell him to tell his Mother Christmas is at your own home now ffs

SezziBaybee · 16/12/2018 23:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the request of the poster.

Whyareallthegoodnamesgone · 17/12/2018 06:09

Can't she come to yours?

toomuchtooold · 17/12/2018 06:13

She's too tired to travel but not too tired to look after 1 year old twins Grin

You can't fix it, so don't worry about it. And don't give in!

coolwalking · 17/12/2018 06:17

She's not your parent- why are you engaging with her?

Shoxfordian · 17/12/2018 06:26

Your husband should have just told her that you're not going, it shouldn't be your problem