Want to spend Christmas at home not at MIL’s!

[KellyW88]

My twins were born prematurely in October 2017 and spent their first Christmas in the NICU - they didn’t come home until February this year... despite the situation we had to convince MIL that us not travelling to hers at Christmas wasn’t us dodging her - but we obviously wanted to spend Christmas in the hospital with our babies, our DD was very sick with bronchialitis (probably spelt wrong sorry!)

This year she wants us all to travel to hers for Christmas and insists it’s to “give us some rest” whilst she looks after the twins - she adores them but doesn’t get to see them as often as she would like... the thing is it’s not really “time off” as she is happy playing with them and cuddling but me and DH still take care of feeds, nappies, baths etc.

More than that - it’s our first Christmas together at OUR home, we would like to experience it just us four... but I can’t seem to convince MIL that we don’t want to go to hers, even though we know it will upset her not to see the twins (we have offered that she journey to see us on the day if she would like but she tells us she’s too tired or busy)...

What would you do as she’s generally a lovely woman - she means well but often can’t see another persons perspective easily

I really loathe the sly way some people try and present taking the children as a help.

I was told once to hand my 2 year old over to strangers to fly to a different country with her to help me 🙄. All that told me was... Mil your a selfish cow who doesn't give a shit about your grandchild.

Op be kind... Let her down gently...

You have no reason to feel guilty. You've invited her to yours for Christmas and she declined. That would be an end to the matter as far as I was concerned. If she keeps on trying to persuade you simply repeat (as many times as necessary) "thank you for the invite but we're having Christmas at home this year. You're more than welcome to join us".

It’s surely easier for Grandparents to be the ones to travel unless there are health issues. They haven’t got to bring as much stuff with them and the grandchildren get to be at home with all their presents. And this way, each generation gets their turn of being host and visitor.

Sorry for the late reply - I actually managed to get a bit of sleep (even with teething twins - one of which likes to get up in the night and travel around the cot too haha)

She is lovely, emotionally rather dense and not just with us either. But sometimes she does pull the guilt trip card - we’re in a tough spot financially and have been for a while, twins were not planned but an amazing surprise after I’d had surgery on my uterus and told i’d likely never conceive - so we went ahead because we thought it might be our only shot! She took care of a lot of things that the twins needed so we didn’t have to stress out whilst trying to get out of the pit we were in! But sometimes I feel she uses it as leverage :S but then feel ungrateful for thinking that!

As for DH - he and his Mum don’t get on easily, she’s always been rather hard on him despite him being her only child and has shown clear preference for her step children for a number of years, he and she just don’t communicate well... but for some reason she tends to at least listen to me after about ten conversations about the same thing :’)

Example, my DH has had the same job for 7 years and she still says she has no idea what he does, it’s not a complex job or anything, she just never seems to retain the information after asking him and that’s why they argue easily :/

I come from a broken home which had a LOT of fighting, arguing, neglect and so MIL has tried to treat me as family which is appreciated but I’m a very solitary person by nature and love spending time just me and the twins - and DH when he’s not at work. But I know Christmas at hers will be another excuse for her to show the twins off to her friends and so it will be a constant stream of people DH and I have never met coming in and out to see them - this is what she did on their 1st birthday which we DID spend at hers and it was exhausting for us and our poor twins... took weeks for me to get them back to regular sleep routines (well as much as possible) but she doesn’t seem to get that D:

Also, not to mention - currently pregnant with third child (unplanned again but delighted) and in the third trimester and add on top of that sleep deprivation from the twins sleep being disrupted due to teething and a very aggressive neighbour who comes out of his flat nearby at odd hours to shout until he wakes everybody up... plus a stinking cold that’s kicking my arse and I am completely overwhelmed (as my rambling posts may have indicated haha)

You mil could be the nicest woman in the world but in your current circumstances you have every right to suit yourselves and stay at home. Bringing babies to stay in another house can be stressful when there's only one baby, let alone twins. No doubt they have their routine for sleeping and with you being well pregnant you also need your rest. If she mentions it again be very firm with her that you are not going and change the subject. You really don't need to make excuses. 'It doesn't suit us' is an acceptable response. Make sure your Dh is equally as firm if he's speaking to her.

DH has had the same job for 7 years and she still says she has no idea what he does, it’s not a complex job or anything, she just never seems to retain the information after asking him

That's because she isn't really interested in him or his life, she's just going through the motions of being polite and feigning just enough interest to remain in his life.

She only shows real interest when it comes to her selfish wants and desires - right now that's your twins.
I think she sounds rather cold and is manipulative and controlling.
She wants what she wants when she wants it....she doesn't care about your feelings or the circs surrounding an issue.
Not seeing anything from your perspective, you needing to endlessly repeat yourself for her to 'understand'.....all manipulative games....and it's working because you seem to think she's just a doddery old lady who means well.

The reason why your dh and her argue has probably got more to do with the way she effectively discarded and abandoned him in favour of his step-siblings - NOT because she 'can't retain info'.

Just tell her straight 'no' and ignore any histrionics.

Oh wow OP. Just stop right there. You’re making me tired just thinking about your life. Ask DH to call MIL immediately. Tell her that you are completely exhausted and drained and they you will be staying at home over Christmas. There’s evidence to suggest that parents with children in NICU/PICU can develop a similar issue to PTSD with all they’ve been through, add to that sleeplessness and teething twins and I think you need to put yourself and your small family first. Don’t let MIL make you feel guilty. Get some rest and enjoy your Christmas.