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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend blurring the lines with partners child?

45 replies

Blueberriesandchocolate · 16/12/2018 19:42

Nc as I don't want to be recognised and also posting here for traffic :-)

I'm probably going to get flamed for this and told to mind my own business!

I have two friends A (who I have known since childhood and is more like a sister) and B (who I've known for a few years, he is divorced with a 7 year old son). A and B have been dating for around 6 months and went pretty much serious from the beginning. Think living together etc. I though this was a bit odd but they've known each other for years etc and whatever it's their relationship :-) I have been very supportive of them as I do think they make a nice couple.

Friend A tells me everything. Today she has just been around for lunch and during which she dropped in some bits about Bs son. After she left I was thinking about this and other things she has told me before, and I really think she is completely overstepping her boundaries as 'dads new gf'. I don't think she can be classed as a step parent yet but I could be wrong as I have no experience! Some examples are -

  • she decided Bs son had left his room at his dads too messy so she hid all his toys and said he can't have them back until he apologises to her when she next sees him.
-she heard Bs ex wife has bought the boy some Christmas Eve things and didn't think they sounded very good so sent him a Christmas Eve box made by her instead -she rang his school to check when the Christmas nativity was as she decided Bs ex wife was lying about when it was (it's on a date A cant go to as she is working) she then decided the costume that Bs ex had bought the son wasn't right and bought another costume. I think she may have binned the original. -she cried that she is working the next two weekends so won't see the child before Christmas and asked B to text his ex wife to rearrange contact so she could.

I should say the ex wife was not happy that B introduced A to the child so quickly and that B often leaves the child with A for a EE days while he goes away for work. I'm really concerned all this extra stuff is going to annoy the ex wife even more and as there is no contact plan in place she will stop B seeing the child or something.

My AIBU is should I say something gently to A? She is a really good friend and divorced her husband a few years ago (he was cheating and they were trying for a child). I feel like she is so keen to be mum she is treading on the boys real mums toes!

I'm fully willing to be told to back off! I've just found it therapeutic to get this all off my chest here 🙈 I know it's not my business but it's like watching a accident in slow motion!

OP posts:
Original poster
Blueberriesandchocolate · 16/12/2018 19:43

God that's so long 🙈 sorry and thanks if you managed it all 🙈

OP posts:
StylishMummy · 16/12/2018 19:45

Not your circus, not your monkeys

MyOtherProfile · 16/12/2018 19:47

Is there a way you could just generally chat with her about the relationship?

garethsouthgatesmrs · 16/12/2018 19:49

i would drop hints such as, "really!? I wonder if his mum might be quite offended about that" but I wouldn't sit her down and confront her, I don't think its your place

pallisers · 16/12/2018 19:49

I would stay out of it in general but I think if she described one of those incidents to me (say the xmas eve box one) I would say "you know I suspect that will really annoy his mother - and I wouldn't blame her. Would you think of having a boxing day box for him instead". You don't have to get involved but neither do you have to nod and smile approvingly when she describes some weird behaviour to you.

His parents should deal with this. her behaviour is pretty awful and I would be upset if I were the boy's father and very upset if I were his mother.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 16/12/2018 19:49

She's not going to listen to you. More likely will shoot the messenger. You are right though and if B doesn't reel her back in, he risks really pissing off his child's mother and causing all sorts of problems in the future.
I'd probably have to say something to A, but logically, it's a bad idea.

ambereeree · 16/12/2018 19:50

Blimey i think she's going to need a good friend when ex wife finds out about xmas eve box and costume.
You'll be damned if you and damned if you don't...so don't.

Original poster
Blueberriesandchocolate · 16/12/2018 19:50

@StylishMummy yep just frustrating to watch 😂 and when she tells me stuff it's often in a 'can you believe it' way so I feel like I'm agreeing!

@Myotherprofile yes we often do (she brings it up as she often asks my opinion) and I've said to her before about not annoying the ex. She just replied saying they are going to a solicitor to get court ordered contact so ex can't remove Bs weekends.

OP posts:
Littleraindrop15 · 16/12/2018 19:51

Are you friends with the biological mother?

How does she and friend B feel.

I would be fuming if she decided to bin my childs costume etc..
Then again you can only advise friend A

Original poster
Blueberriesandchocolate · 16/12/2018 19:52

B worships the ground she walks on and will not say anything to her. I've seen him put her before the child on occasion which really made me rethink how I see him 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
Blueberriesandchocolate · 16/12/2018 19:52

@Littleraindrop15 nope I've never met her. They divorced when child was 3 and I've only known B a few years via work.

OP posts:
bridezilla1 · 16/12/2018 19:54

I've been in a similar position with a friend and would just say oh how does XW feel about that? Wouldn't XW be hurt? etc. My friend didn't have children either and I don't think a lot of the time she actually understood that by acting like a mother she would upset and annoy the child's actual mother.

PositivelyPERF · 16/12/2018 19:55

What the hell is the father doing when your friend is acting like such a dick towards his child? He’s actually more to blame for this, as he’s bound to realise she’s overstepping the boundaries with HIS child and ex. They both need a good dose of reality. If I was the ex, I’d be fucking furious.

AcidPops · 16/12/2018 19:56

Friendships should be based on honesty. If she’s truly like your sister you should be calling her out on it. My bestie and I always do this to each other. Not nastily but “er, hang on, have you heard yourself” way. People get carried away and it’s up to their nearest and dearest to give them a reality check sometimes. She’s going to cause serious issues if she carries on!

Littleraindrop15 · 16/12/2018 20:02

I think she's projecting on someone else's child and i think you should encourage her to have her own and she definitely needs reeling in

HolesinTheSoles · 16/12/2018 20:05

I think if she brings it up to you you should probably say something in response.

e.g. "Bs mum bought the worst costume for B so I binned it and bought another one."

"Oh really? Wasn't B's mum upset by that? I think I would be if I were her!"

TheApeOfDeath · 16/12/2018 20:05

My son has a step mother. She’s married to his Dad and has been in his life for 6 years. If she pulled any of this shite with him, even after all this time and their mutual closeness I’d be FURIOUS.
That’s probably not helpful. Should you talk to her was the question.
She sounds very emotional about his child? Is the relationship very triggering for her for some reason?

Rudgie47 · 16/12/2018 20:11

None of this has anything to do with you at all.
Leave her to it and concentrate on your own stuff.

Woooman · 16/12/2018 20:13

It's lovely that she's so keen on this child however she is over stepping the mark by a few thousand miles. She sounds pretty over bearing and domineering. Why does a child need to apologise for making a mess with their toys for goodness sake? Withholding toys and expecting an apology actually sounds a bit sinister if I'm being honest. Throwing out the costume is outrageous and if I was the boy's mother I would be livid at this. She's a girlfriend of 6 months. That's all.

I'm not sure how you should tackle it tbh as I think she's so convinced she's doing a great job parenting this child that I don't think she will ever see clearly what she's doing that is wrong. Plus B is allowing all this to happen which will further cement the idea that she's doing great. However, I wouldn't be able to sit back and just let this all happen. I think next time it's brought up you need to subtly question her about the ex's potential reactions to her "interference" and hope that eventually it will sink in that she's over stepping the mark.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 16/12/2018 20:14

If it were a more casual friendship I’d say leave well alone, but since you say she is more like a sister I think you ought to voice your concerns.

MaisyPops · 16/12/2018 20:14

I wouldnt get too involved but would make a point of suggesting being more considerate to the child's mum if it came up in conversation.

It sounds like your friend has good intentions but it's all too much too soon and trying to play mummy to me.

Shootingstar20 · 16/12/2018 20:15

As much as I love my boyfriends little boy and some of the things his mum does annoys me and my partner I would never overstep the line like your friend has.
As much as it’s not really your place to say anything I agree with the others maybe saying something along the lines like Holesinthesoles comment.
Your friend may actually find life a lot easier if she tried to get along with the ex wife at least on common ground.
Me and my partners ex are on great terms and it’s such a nice feeling knowing I can text her about my boyfriends little boy regarding presents/ school plays etc. (And that all four of us can be in the same room together and there be no awkwardness)

Coyoacan · 16/12/2018 20:16

Yeap, I'm usually a step-mum fan, as I know it is a thankless job, but that punishment she inflicted on the boy was OTT and overruling the mother is rank.

As her best friend you are in a no-win position as she doesn't sound like she's the type that ever has any doubts about her actions.

Original poster
Blueberriesandchocolate · 16/12/2018 20:17

Sorry I was just popping some washing out! To answer a few pp
I think her having a child at this point would be disastrous (although she did say the other day how wonderful it would be if we had babies together next year, and I am currently 14 weeks).
I have tried saying what does the ex think about that and she just kind of brushes it off saying how he is Bs child too and B is happy for her to be involved. When I said about how B and ex already have a fraught relationship and how she could tip the boat she said about going to the solicitors.

I do feel like she has had a really shit time with her ex husband and she was desperate to be a mum so she has just stepped into this role without actually considering that she is not mum! When she did the Christmas box I said in a nice way that if dh and I ever split and his new gf did that I'd be angry she got a bit defensive and said she would say it was from B and why shouldn't he do that as a father.

OP posts:
MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 16/12/2018 20:23

The child in this situation may find it hard to deal with being the central focus of everyone's issues. My ex grew up in this kind of situation with his step mother constantly undermining his mother. He had poor relationships with both of them as an adult.

Another ex had his dad and step-dad constantly clashing. He was messed up, not knowing who to be loyal to and not wanting to take sides. He ended up distant with everyone. His childhood was a constant battlefield and he ended up not ever seeing his father to avoid all the stress.

I feel really sorry for the child.