Friend blurring the lines with partners child?

[Blueberriesandchocolate]

Nc as I don't want to be recognised and also posting here for traffic :-)

I'm probably going to get flamed for this and told to mind my own business!

I have two friends A (who I have known since childhood and is more like a sister) and B (who I've known for a few years, he is divorced with a 7 year old son). A and B have been dating for around 6 months and went pretty much serious from the beginning. Think living together etc. I though this was a bit odd but they've known each other for years etc and whatever it's their relationship :-) I have been very supportive of them as I do think they make a nice couple.

Friend A tells me everything. Today she has just been around for lunch and during which she dropped in some bits about Bs son. After she left I was thinking about this and other things she has told me before, and I really think she is completely overstepping her boundaries as 'dads new gf'. I don't think she can be classed as a step parent yet but I could be wrong as I have no experience! Some examples are -

• she decided Bs son had left his room at his dads too messy so she hid all his toys and said he can't have them back until he apologises to her when she next sees him.

-she heard Bs ex wife has bought the boy some Christmas Eve things and didn't think they sounded very good so sent him a Christmas Eve box made by her instead -she rang his school to check when the Christmas nativity was as she decided Bs ex wife was lying about when it was (it's on a date A cant go to as she is working) she then decided the costume that Bs ex had bought the son wasn't right and bought another costume. I think she may have binned the original. -she cried that she is working the next two weekends so won't see the child before Christmas and asked B to text his ex wife to rearrange contact so she could.

I should say the ex wife was not happy that B introduced A to the child so quickly and that B often leaves the child with A for a EE days while he goes away for work. I'm really concerned all this extra stuff is going to annoy the ex wife even more and as there is no contact plan in place she will stop B seeing the child or something.

My AIBU is should I say something gently to A? She is a really good friend and divorced her husband a few years ago (he was cheating and they were trying for a child). I feel like she is so keen to be mum she is treading on the boys real mums toes!

I'm fully willing to be told to back off! I've just found it therapeutic to get this all off my chest here 🙈 I know it's not my business but it's like watching a accident in slow motion!

You don't have to get involved but neither do you have to nod and smile approvingly when she describes some weird behaviour to you.

Quite. Were Ann's previous relationships this unhealthy and concerning?

Hiding the toys of somebody else's child? Wtf is that?

I'd actually want to know what it is that makes her think the mother was lying about the nativity dates, and why she's got it into her head that she needs to be super-duper-step-mum-to-the-rescue. What has Bob been telling her about his ex?

B worships the ground she walks on and will not say anything to her. I've seen him put her before the child on occasion which really made me rethink how I see him

There are a few others things that make Bob seem like he may not be all that. "Worships the ground she walks on" - love bombing?

A 6 month relationship that went from nothing to intensely serious in the first 5 minutes? Introducing her to his child, what immediately? HUGE red flags.

Letting his new girlfriend treat his child like this?

Filling new girlfriend's head with stuff about court proceedings to protect contact arrangements from the ex (oh, where have I heard men coming out with that before....)? (Did she get called "nasty" or "crazy" yet?)

In the face of all you've described I'd probably be reconsidering what contact arrangements were in my child's best interests. Wouldn't you?

Blimey, I really feel for the mother in all this - but I don't see what you can do about it, since A seems determined to tread on her toes.

I know of another case like this, possibly worse, where the new wife was definitely trying to end up with all the kids - hers and her new husband's - living in one big, happy family. The ex-wife bided her time, got a job in another town, and relocated with her children, cutting out all the annoyance of not having the kids returned on time after access visits, clothes being held onto etc etc.

A will get her come-uppance at some point, no mother is going to put up with this indefinitely. If I were in your position I'd raise a few questions, just to feel I'd tried, but I wouldn't expect it to have much effect.

Yes I do too :-( that's why I wondered if I should be more verbal about what I think :-( as some pp have said it's not my business but it's hard because I know that the child will miss out, B could potentially lose contact and A clearly has some other issues going on.

Oh dear, sounds like it won't end well. If you've already tried to flag it she's obviously not keen to listen. Pushing it further will probably damage your friendship with her tbh. It could be that she's just completely wrapped up in it all as it's early days, and Christmas can be a minefield. Maybe she's desperate to be the 'amazing stepmum', so going OTT on presents and being eagerly over involved because it's her 1st Christmas being around a kid she can share the excitement with. Chances are she'll get into her stride and calm down as the relationship progresses, or she'll cock it up completely and B's ex will put her back into her place.

I agree with the others. Don’t initiate a conversation, but if she mentions something, then point out that it’s ex-wife’s place to do that, not hers.

I've seen him put her before the child on occasion which really made me rethink how I see him 😞

This will not end well for anyone. The poor child will understand at some level that he is just an instrument for adult emotions - that he is not a real person to A but a way for her to fuel her wish to be a mother. And not an important person to his dad who puts a new girlfriend ahead of him. I hope his mother is a good mother because that will be the most important relationship in this boy's life.

If A was a very close friend whom I have known from childhood, I think I might be tempted to sit down with her over a cup of coffee and try to express my concerns for her in all of this - she is going to get flamed by the ex eventually and won't know what hit her when that woman finally realises what is happening and starts taking notice.

I wouldn't ask her how the ex would feel, I'd ask how she'd feel if she had a baby with B, they separated and his new girlfriend acted like that. I'm on the ex's side, here.

I don’t think it’s any of your business whether she has a child or not. That does make it sound like you’re a bit overly invested in her life and also quite judgemental. So you would need to be very careful how you approached this. I think gareth’s suggestions were good.

I had a friend who did almost exactly this with her two sons. Referred to them as ‘our boys’ from the day she met them. She did have a child. It’s caused no end of problems and the people who have suffered most are the children. I would have a word for that reason alone.

I know someone who behaved very similarly to this. It did not end well for her.

I watched it all unfold from afar via Facebook and could see she was desperately trying to be the mum (like your friend had been unable to have her own child up to them).

As I said it did not end well and there were fb posts about the vindictive ex and spineless blokes so I’m assuming she put her foot down in the end and he ended it with the woman I know.

All you can do is advise a gentle foot forward and leave her to get on with it

It's completely outrageous that she's hidden B's son's toys. Can you suggest to her that it really is not her job to discipline this child, and that hiding toys if a pretty ridiculous way to do it anyway? She's going the right way to make this child hate her.

@Augusta2012 actually I think I am probably over involved as she lived with us post break up from her husband. She was suicidal and had a breakdown. She is still getting help for this and I know she does recreationally use drugs (Bs child has not been present for this) and I have got her to go see a counsellor to try and stop this. I know her finances are a mess because she tells me. She tells me everything. So I guess if it makes me judgmental to think she shouldn't have a baby right now as I don't think she would cope or baby then that's what I am 🤷🏻‍♀️

First response was best response.

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Is your friend called Glenn? Fatal Attraction and Bunny Boiler come to mind! She is unfortunately clearly unhinged and there is no way in hell this is ever going to end good. To be honest I think you should steer well clear as, being pregnant, if she is so desperate for a child and this relationship doesn’t work out, who is going to be the next person with a child!!!!

@Chucky16 ha! No she is definitely not a Glen 😊 I feel bad tbh as she is a nice person I think just a bit blurred as to her place in the child's life. She has been quite full on so far in my pregnancy, asking to come to scans etc but I told her they were for me and dh and she has backed off😊 now she is no more enthusiastic than my sisters and my far too over invested sil 😂🙈

I think I would say something next time she brings it up. More on the effect on the child as she clearly doesn't care if she upsets the ex.

For example if she threw the child's costume out - that was his, what's that going to teach him about how to treat other people's possessions? Is he just going to start chucking things away so the other parent buys a better version? How is the child going to cope if discipline is very different at both houses, surely it's got to be better for him if there is a common approach otherwise it could be very confusing

To be honest she probably isn't going to listen - she sees herself as a parent and no one likes their parenting choices questioned. But you'll have tried and I think that's the important thing as ultimately if she carries on like this it's going to be the child that things end up badly for

Wow! She is MASSIVELY overstepping the mark - I'd be bloody fuming if I was the boy's mum! If she won't listen to your warnings & the bloke is too pussy to sort it, then I'd keep well out of it & duck for cover- it'll blow up very soon - kids talk!!!

Okay blueberries I’ll take your word for it , however when you mentioned her wanting to come to your scans, which are a special time for you and dh and unless a dh missing not the place for a friend, you did have me worried. I just cannot see this ending well and if there is a split up between A and B who is going to be left to pick up the pieces?? Hope everything goes well for you and your little bubs.

@Chucky16 thank you :-) yes it is a worry as to what will happen if they split but I'm ignoring that possibility as I don't want to think about it 🙈🙈🙈

Ah that sounds more reasonable. If she has MH issues she definitely should not be using recreational drugs. That would make things much, much worse not better

Your friend is a dick OP.
My exH gf after me is now an ex for trying to over step the mark with my kids. Your friend needs a serious reality check SHE IS NOT THAT BOYS MOTHER!