To hate only being comfortable in a 'messy' house?

[Gamechanger12e3]

Name change for this but regular poster!

I live on my own in a small 2 bed house that i own. Ive lived on my own for 10 years (no kids or live in partner). For some reason no matter where I've lived or who ive lived with I've always been a messy person to the point of embarrassment!!
I'm not a hoarder of any sorts. I have no issues in throwing stuff out. But i never put things away when I'm done with it.
I'll keep taking things out to use them and not put them away until it gets unbearable and i have a mass tidy up and the house will be immaculate for a couple of days until the cycle repeats itself!

After some time of thinking about my ways Ive realised that when i do clean and tidy everything.. I feel uncomfortable. The room feels empty without all my stuff laying around. I grew up in a cluttered and disgusting home. My house is definitely nothing like that. Every room is well thought out from the wall pictures to the colour schemes. But the mess overshadows it!!

For example.. Ill come in from work and throw my coat/bag/post on the sofa when i get in. Then ill have tea and a drink and the glass will get left in the living room.. Then ill read a book and leave that on the sofa.. Then ill have a shower and get into my pyjamas and im too tired to tidy or have laundry/something to do so ill do that and go to sleep. The next day ill do the same. So by the end of the week the living room is cluttered! I'll do a mass tidy and the cycle will repeat!!

My desk at work is also a mess!! My car is a mess!! My handbag is a shit tip!

Anyone else suffer from this?? How do i change?

Id love to be one of those people in a spotless home.. And living on my own theres so reason i can't be! I just can't seem to change my messy ways!

If the day ever comes that i have a family of my own then i fear i would be living in hell and wouldn't cope!

Someone help solve this!

I got to the stage that the clutter is my new normal. I've cleared the crap away from the living room as I knew someone will pop in the next day and looking at it I felt strange.
And the saddest thing is that my 6 yo came home and took a double take because she is used to seeing clutter most of the time.
Sorry I can offer no help just wanted to offload this.😐

For example.. Ill come in from work and throw my coat/bag/post on the sofa when i get in. Then ill have tea and a drink and the glass will get left in the living room.. Then ill read a book and leave that on the sofa.. Then ill have a shower and get into my pyjamas and im too tired to tidy or have laundry/something to do so ill do that and go to sleep. The next day ill do the same. So by the end of the week the living room is cluttered! I'll do a mass tidy and the cycle will repeat!!

These describes exactly my two best friends. I am the opposite - I naturally clean up after myself and love a calm uncluttered house. But they are perfectly happy because they don't care. People love coming to their homes because they love them/have a great time and just ignore the utter chaos that is often there.

If you really want to be clutter-free, then you just have to train yourself for about 30 days to put things away etc. After that it will probably become a habit. But if the clutter doesn't stress you out, why not just accept the way you are and do a clean up every now and then?

Me exactly.
No idea, I tidy/declutter one room and somewhere else gets untidy.

Would you think about starting with one room and keeping that visitor ready all the time? It could start a good habit you could expand on.

I would love a less cluttered home but have children and a man-child who aren't aware of mess...

Read about the organised mum method. It doesn't matter that you aren't a mum. It's simple and really good.

I'm very Messy too. It's like the place could be spotless and I touch one thing and it's like a bomb hit it again! It's crazy 😂 my bathroom is also very very messy, shampoos and makeup everywhere! I wipe it down every day and like it clean but it's always messy

I can't sit in a room with clutter or is messy. Everything has a place in our home and it's not tidy if it's out of place, I feel niggly and uncomfortable. My keys go straight on the holder, coat on a hook and shoes in a rack as I come in. I can't go out or to bed with a cup left in the living room. The house is always guest ready but I wish I was more like you. It's never ending and exhausting.

You sound just like me OP. I have finally cracked it - for the last 3 years I’ve had a cleaner once a week. That means that before she comes I have to make sure the whole house is tidy, and then I only have another week until I have to do it again, so it never gets that bad. Works for me, best £20 I could spend.

Failing that, I think the only thing you can do (my best friend who is very tidy does this), is make it part of your daily prebed routine that you HAVE to clear away any mess, no matter how much you really can’t be arsed to do it. Will take less than 5 mins if you do it every night.

I can't relate. A bit of mess is okay when you live alone but a huge mess makes me feel out of control

I could have written the post OP, I’m actively trying to change my ways by decluttering my room at home (can’t change the kitchen or lounge I live with my mum) and my uni room. I’m donating a load of stuff to charity and adding what I can regift to my gift box of emergency presents on hand. Dreading the amount of plastic crap and tat I’ll be getting from family for Christmas.

I just hang my coat and bag up on a coat rack when I walk in the door. So I dont need to tidy it up ever. I’m tidy because I loathe housework not buying too much stuff and proper storage is the key.

Have a good look around when everything is tidy. What about it is too bare?
Do you have shelves? Books? Ornaments? Art?
What's missing?

I am confused OP- you claim to like mess yet you say it can become "unbearable".

Being messy in my experience means things get lost, accidents and spills happen.

It sounds like you need to work on the comfort feeling of your home rather than tidiness per se. Big blanket to wrap round yourself? Cat?

" I grew up in a cluttered and disgusting home"
"Maybe its because i grew up in lots and lots of clutter?"

Yes it is, it's a comfort thing.

We all have comfort behaviour, mines eating.

But it's about getting it to a level that isn't damaging.

With clutter, I've found it gets worse as people get older. My Sister (60's) has also taken to hoarding. I refuse to even get in her car, because you'd be injured by stuff flying about if an accident happened.

I like the Marie Kondo method of questioning the value you place in stuff and why it's important enough to give up space for.

"The room feels empty without all my stuff laying around"

I think that's learned behaviour. We adapt to our environment and when we've survived, even flourished, in it, it takes a lot to question was it right.

Start to think about what you actually want. Embarrassment isn't a good emotion to be feeling regularly, it's a sign that you need to change something. So work on bringing about that change.

I used to be like this for. It’s a really hard habit to break. I managed to change when we had DC because actually it isn’t that safe when you have little ones and because it was making me feel socially isolated to be so messy I couldn’t have people round.

I found focusing on just one thing and doing it consistently for a month and giving myself no excuses helped. Then slowly that would become a jab it and I could try a new thing.

My first thing was that all washing up had to be done before I went to bed. Then the living room had to be tidy etc.

If you're uncomfortable with the uncluttered state add strategic clutter - pretty blankets and cushions on the sofa, books on the coffee table, souvenirs/cards on the side. Have places to put what you'd be embarrassed to have lying around away quickly and easily but don't try to have no clutter.

I think if you are comfortable with the amount you have out it will stay like that and the urge to leave stuff as a comfort will help.

Couple of ongoing craft projects, a few books and plenty of blankets/pillows (A use for the craft projects) is still visitor ready and might feel less bare.

Get a cleaner. You then have to tidy once a week - it transformed our house!!!

I agree with Random - this is still a problem I'm struggling with, but I make sure my house always feels cozy because there are lamps, and pictures and tealight holders and lots of cushions and blankets. Things like a stack of books and magazines on the coffee table (to me) aren't a problem. That way it's just coat on hook, bag in corner, shoes in corner. I have to make it as easy as possible for me to keep it "visitor ready"!

Agree with PP 're contradictory posts. You say: "...instead of just having it 'out' in the middle of the room stressing me out! Currently my living room is immaculate...[b]ut it feels empty and i can't quite feel cosy/comfy and settled."

So the mess stresses you out but you don't like it tidy either .

Just keep plugging at it until reasonably tidy (ie. not show home standard) becomes the norm.

OHIO - Only Handle It Once. Why throw the coat and bag on the sofa only to have to move it again? Put it where it should be in the first place. It'll become habit after a while.

I think a lot of people do this generally. I know towards the end of the week I lose the will to keep tidying up.

I don’t judge people on mess but I do bork at a dirty house. I would look at mess as ‘just didn’t get time to clean up’ and dirt and excessive dust as unpleasant. My mother used to have a very dirty house and it made me feel quite sick. I do understand not liking cleaning but there is a certain level of dirt that becomes revolting. I am talking long term uncleaned bathroom, kitchen with dried old food stuck to everything (combined with dust and pet hair) and floors where you couldn’t walk barefoot without going black and covered in god knows what. I mean I wouldn’t want to eat anything there. DM is much better now since she moved house

I used to be you, but then I met my DP who is one of those can't relax until everything is tidy and I am (mostly) a reformed character! It really is as simple as training yourself, if you're actually bothered enough.

I'm really enjoying this thread as it's something I've struggled with

When I suggested increased/functional storage I meant it in conjunction with getting rid of lots of stuff

I'm streamlining the amount of 'stuff' I live with (charity shops and facebook selling have been useful!) but it's taken several attempts going over the same area. I thought I'd been ruthless the first time but 1/2/4/6 weeks later I've been able to get rid of another layer of 'stuff' that I realised I hadn't used/ no longer felt compelled to keep.

Decluttering suddenly became a delight not a chore. The '2nd sweep' (or 3rd/4th/6th) is much faster and quite satisfying
I've been redecorating slightly at the same time and it's giving me a lot of pleasure to see my new home emerge!

I've been able to select and display my most cherished items. I've updated the room with new cushion covers and a few new cushions/throws, good lighting (floor lamp and side lamp), plants and framed artwork on the walls. Changed the layout a bit and added a rug. There's still a bit of clutter about but it's completely manageable and I can tidy it away in 5 mins/at the end of the evening with minimal effort.

I'm only two rooms in at the moment but it's giving me the impetus to keep going.

Also I find cleaning a chore but to my surprise it's actually fine when you don't have to declutter first, who knew?

I grew up in a house of hoard. In my childhood, it was clean, but cluttery in the corners. As the youngest in the family, I had all the hand-me downs. Some of which like many of the books were great, but there was a lot of stuff in my room that wasn't mine, but I wasn't allowed to do anything with it even though the original owner had long since moved on and ceased to care. Storage was poor e.g. there was a big built in cupboard, but my books were stacked book, on book, on book because there were too few shelves, too widely spaced for paper backs. In short, I didn't learn how to tidy up other than shove stuff under the bed and hope for the best.

If the stuff is interfering with my actions (e.g. I have to move it to sit, to eat at the table) then that's messy, but background clutter is comforting to me. I know I have a tendency to hoard and make myself let go of things. I have to remind myself that I don't want to fall over it in 50 years

I like a home to look lived in. My closest friends have a similar level of routine housekeeping to me. So many (not all) minimalist homes look corporate and less lived in than an IKEA display (especially the grey/ cream style with aspirational words for decoration, and contrived fun family photoshoot pictures). I like a home showing a collection of who lives there which will end up being uncoordinated because things are there out of love.

I struggle with "tidy as you go" type methods because I lose focus in what I should be doing and end up in a rabbit warren of lots of little other tasks with no big picture result. Getting to a mess and doing 15 minute bursts is much more effective. I find the process of tidying tedious (probably due to being told to tidy and having no clue what to actually do with stuff) Shifting stuff out of its home helps to refresh my mind too as I easily go "blind" to it. Maintaining a regular state of tidiness is just alien to me and a stress with little result.