Feeling guilty about 'niece'

[wonderwomanfromthenorth]

My brother was in a relationship years ago that ended after the birth of his son. Prior to it ending he was 'step dad' to his ex's children, we kept our distance as it was a toxic relationship but over the years had many dealings with them, used to buy them birthdays and Christmas presents and they called me 'auntie' after they split my brother kept contact going with them for a while but then it dwindled to just being his son (mutual decision between him and his ex) I've often felt upset for the children and even years later still feel guilty that they must have been extremely confused.

My brother then got in a new relationship with someone who already had a daughter; they moved in with him pretty quickly and my nephew had to get used to sharing my brother, when for so long it was all just about him, he did this very well and loved the little girl. We inevitably had a lot to do with her as they lived together.

In the very early days of their relationship someone contacted us to say she was pregnant with my brothers baby, it was someone he'd been seeing for a week (a week!?) he said the baby probably wasn't his and didn't want to get involved. My mum and I sent a new baby hamper with nappies etc and she regularly contacted my mum but as my brother didn't want a relationship with the new baby we didn't get involved.

Then he split with his girlfriend and started meeting up with the mum and son who by this point was 2 years old.. it would be on one minute and off the next, she also has an elder son. He's never actually told my dad he has another child (although I obviously did at the time he was born) so my dad has never acknowledged the situation, but last year we were invited to my nephews birthday party and the 2.5 year old toddler was there, he is a very sweet little boy, my dad came to the party and had no idea about any of it, when he left he said my brothers friend seemed nice as did her children and was flabbergasted when I said that was his grandchild, he hadn't made the connection. The next week they split again and it was all off and has been on and off ever since, my mum bought them all Christmas presents last year and then the mum messaged my mum to say it was off again! I haven't seen my brother a lot over the last year due to the situation and other various things.

Anyway I'm just wrapping my nephews Christmas presents and feel awful for the little boy who will see all these presents from people he doesn't even know, who are meant to be his family! But I just don't know what to do about it. It's an extremely dysfunctional situation, am I awful for not wanting to get involved in yet another child's life who will then be let down? It's not just the 3.5 year old, also his older brother as I could never leave him out if I had a relationship with the younger one!

Awh poor kid. I hope your DBro wakes up, maybe he will on the receiving end of some harsh reality and decides to cope on, going from woman to woman. He needs to get a DNA on the youngest.
All you can do is support your nephew and show him love when you can. You can't change your Dbros choices, neither can his DS. It is unfortunate.

pawnee ouch.. this is my worry, that he will go on and there will just be more. I can't invest emotionally in many more children 😂

I have said all of that to him and he agrees, but he doesn't really understand the impact of his actions on anyone else, he can't see much past the here and now and once the past is done it's done. He has zero understanding of how anyone else feels in any given situation.

I don't think you can do more in this situation, a card at Xmas and birthday perhaps. I'm a bit confused, think your brother has some contact with both (all?) his children. Something may develop naturally, but the mum is hard work, poor child.
Would your brother have a vasectomy? Shame his willy hasn't got a developmental problem.

missing yes he has the older one every weekend. The younger one he sees all the time I believe as the mum is always at his house. My dad did mention vasectomy to him last year and he was horrified by the thought and said 'what if I want to have more children' my dad nearly choked on his Chinese...

Don't see the problem then, they know their dad, if you lived abroad they might not see you, you could still send gifts if you wanted.
Obvs the chaotic relationships are diffićult. Your dad could tell him sperm can be frozen.

I guess there's no problem other than I feel guilty for not wanting to send presents and not wanting to be involved because there could be a whole stream of future children.

He has a fear of anything medical, he's got 4 impacted wisdom teeth and refuses to get them removed, whole other story...

Presume he has got capacity, the threshold is fairly low.
Guilt is the biggest waste of energy. We are led to believe it tells us how to behave, but actually paralyses thought and action. It can be quite self indulgent (or a symptom of grief?)
It's good that he sees his kids, you are not obliged to, nor to treat them all the same. He has two kids not22, but you can wait to see what develops. Try to just be open, don't push yourself forward or make yourself involved. Enjoy your xmas

Thank you so so much for taking the time to discuss this with me. You have certainly helped me put it into perspective, I know I am an adult and I should do what I want to do - not what guilt dictates that I should do. Guilt isn't going to achieve anything. I can take action and have a relationship with the child if I choose to. Right now I'm choosing not to, as a relationship with the child would mean a relationship with the mum and I'm not prepared to do that right now.

Have a lovely Christmas. I really appreciate your comments.