Feeling guilty about 'niece'

[wonderwomanfromthenorth]

My brother was in a relationship years ago that ended after the birth of his son. Prior to it ending he was 'step dad' to his ex's children, we kept our distance as it was a toxic relationship but over the years had many dealings with them, used to buy them birthdays and Christmas presents and they called me 'auntie' after they split my brother kept contact going with them for a while but then it dwindled to just being his son (mutual decision between him and his ex) I've often felt upset for the children and even years later still feel guilty that they must have been extremely confused.

My brother then got in a new relationship with someone who already had a daughter; they moved in with him pretty quickly and my nephew had to get used to sharing my brother, when for so long it was all just about him, he did this very well and loved the little girl. We inevitably had a lot to do with her as they lived together.

In the very early days of their relationship someone contacted us to say she was pregnant with my brothers baby, it was someone he'd been seeing for a week (a week!?) he said the baby probably wasn't his and didn't want to get involved. My mum and I sent a new baby hamper with nappies etc and she regularly contacted my mum but as my brother didn't want a relationship with the new baby we didn't get involved.

Then he split with his girlfriend and started meeting up with the mum and son who by this point was 2 years old.. it would be on one minute and off the next, she also has an elder son. He's never actually told my dad he has another child (although I obviously did at the time he was born) so my dad has never acknowledged the situation, but last year we were invited to my nephews birthday party and the 2.5 year old toddler was there, he is a very sweet little boy, my dad came to the party and had no idea about any of it, when he left he said my brothers friend seemed nice as did her children and was flabbergasted when I said that was his grandchild, he hadn't made the connection. The next week they split again and it was all off and has been on and off ever since, my mum bought them all Christmas presents last year and then the mum messaged my mum to say it was off again! I haven't seen my brother a lot over the last year due to the situation and other various things.

Anyway I'm just wrapping my nephews Christmas presents and feel awful for the little boy who will see all these presents from people he doesn't even know, who are meant to be his family! But I just don't know what to do about it. It's an extremely dysfunctional situation, am I awful for not wanting to get involved in yet another child's life who will then be let down? It's not just the 3.5 year old, also his older brother as I could never leave him out if I had a relationship with the younger one!

Op I have similar with my brother.

He has 6 with 3 women (that we know of)

It gets complicated when they move on, he does etc...

I just keep out of it, leave it up to him to get in touch.

I suggest you do the same or you'll get sucked into the drama

Wow it really is a bit of a mess isn't it?

There's not a whole lot you can do. If you became involved in his life you leave yourself wide open to the risk of becoming emotionally attached to a child and then being told you're persona non grata if/when she and your db fall out again! If you also have young dc then you'd need to consider them too and how they might feel if they become close to a 'cousin' who then disappears from their lives...

All in all it's probably safer to keep your distance. Ultimately it's up to the child's parents to arrange and facilitate contact if they want it. You don't have anything to feel guilty about, you haven't created this unfortunate situation and it's not on you to fix it.

namechange I have been pretty adamant that I am keeping out of it but my dad telling me that he saw him when he dropped elder nephew home, has made me think that he'll see all the presents and eventually he'll understand that his brother is going to see his dads family.. or his dads family has sent his brother presents, but why has he never met them.

I guess that's my brothers problem to sort out if and when it arises, I can't gather up all the children along the way and be the crazy 'auntie' with all these niece and nephews! I have a fair few niece and nephews as it is from my sister and husband! And friends children who call me auntie!

cantsleep exactly that! I did develop a bond with the children who I am no longer in contact with and you're right I have to think of my child and future children if I have any more!

What a mess, all I can suggest is trying to keep up a relationship with your nephews that as separate from your brother as possible. What these kids need is consistency, and there not going to get it from him.

Do you have any contact with the mothers? Maybe arrange to visit and drop of gifts directly. At least that way when your brother disappears on them, he won't be draging you out of there lives as well.

Just need to add. My mother didnt get me involved in any dramas or comings and goings. Your nephews mum should probably do the same.
If you want to send presents do, if you dont, dont.

surfskate I guess my worry is that it is the child's actual family. It is his dads sisters, mum and dad who aren't involved and he'll see his brother going off to them and wonder why he isn't?

foreverbubblegum as much as I can under fairly dysfunctional circumstances, with the first child that is. With the second child I want nothing to do with the mother! At all!

Your brother needs to stop moving so quickly with women who have children. He shouldn’t be jumping families like a checker board game. Kids need consistency, not some guy who is goin got mice in, to leave a few month later for someone else.

These women also need to stop moving so fast. There is no reason to be introducing them to the kids or having him move in right away.

Your brother is going to end up destroying families and creating very confused children.

and he'll see his brother going off to them and wonder why he isn't?

Well yes, more than likely this is what will happen. However it's for his parents to worry about that, not you. Take my advice wonder make a conscious decision that you're not going to keep thinking this over and be clear with other family members that you don't wish to discuss something you have zero control over. I've learned not to spend mental energy on situations that I didn't cause and can't fix but it takes a conscious effort .

elphie we all know what they need to do and have all advised that, but other than that not a lot more we can do. He was with first ex for 5 years, not exactly moving in and out. She ended it. He was with the second one for 18 months, she moved in with him and then she left him. The current one.... God only knows, as I don't think you can actually call it a relationship..

cantsleep you are so right. Must be strong. But also what if the child contacts me in years to come!? And asks why I never bothered?

What's wrong with the one you called crazy? And in what way was the first one toxic?

I get why you feel the way you do, it is distressing, but I don't think there's much you can do...

anouk first relationship was quite abusive, on the mums part, my brother is a very difficult person to live with, he has the mental age of a teenager. He's like Kevin from Kevin and Perry!
They lost a child which was extremely traumatic for everyone and I think they blamed each other because it spiralled after that - police were often called.

The mum of youngest, lies a lot. When she was pregnant and reached out to us my mum got quite involved messaging her, she once messaged her saying she was heavily bleeding and rushed to hospital in an ambulance, my mum went up to meet her and when she got there the mum was having an injection (I think when you have a blood type that could reject the baby) there had been no bleeding and no ambulance. She also followed my brother and his then gf to a restaurant and took pics of their car and sent it to my mum. She rang my mum to say my brother had threatened her with a hammer but then while my mum was on the phone she sent her 9 year old to go and knock on my brothers door and see if he was ok.... I mean just WTAF

Sorry name change, this post was mine;

anouk first relationship was quite abusive, on the mums part, my brother is a very difficult person to live with, he has the mental age of a teenager. He's like Kevin from Kevin and Perry!
They lost a child which was extremely traumatic for everyone and I think they blamed each other because it spiralled after that - police were often called.

The mum of youngest, lies a lot. When she was pregnant and reached out to us my mum got quite involved messaging her, she once messaged her saying she was heavily bleeding and rushed to hospital in an ambulance, my mum went up to meet her and when she got there the mum was having an injection (I think when you have a blood type that could reject the baby) there had been no bleeding and no ambulance. She also followed my brother and his then gf to a restaurant and took pics of their car and sent it to my mum. She rang my mum to say my brother had threatened her with a hammer but then while my mum was on the phone she sent her 9 year old to go and knock on my brothers door and see if he was ok.... I mean just WTAF

But also what if the child contacts me in years to come!? And asks why I never bothered?

Well it seems pretty unlikely he'll contact an aunt to ask, surely he's more likely to put that question to his parents? I suppose it's possible but then you give an honest answer - you had no input or control over the situation and all the 'bothering' in the world couldn't have changed that. If anything it would have been worse to be a person who dipped in and out of his life.

You haven't made a start on that conscious decision to not keep turning this over in your mind, have you ?

One of my friends got caught up with one of these wastrels.

He seemed relatively normal at the time only 1 DC, he's now approaching double figures

Instead of wringing your hands about what these DC might think of YOU when they grow up, I think it's time you, your Mum and your Dad sat him down and made him think about what they will think of HIM

pawnee the mum is infatuated by him and frequently puts him first over her children so I think it's actually her that's the wastrel. My mum dad and I can sit and have that chat... and we have, he should never have had children, he did, what can we do?

pawnee just reread your post and he has children in double figures? I thought you meant the age of the child was approaching double figures. That's something else. My son fortunately only has 2, if the second is actually his. And the mum of the second has said she wants another and put pregnancy tests in his bin, despite the situation! And yes he's obviously stupid enough to not use contraception. Just to put it into context he said 'I only slept with her once how could the baby be mine? It took ages for ex to get pregnant with ds'

cantsleep not quite 😳 but I can see the mum telling him to contact me! She's quite odd.

My friends ex now almost has children in double figures yes

I meant have you properly spoken to your brother not each other about this

Your father didn't even know his own grandson - that's a bit extreme

I think it's nice you still keep a low level contact. If they are interested later children can find relations and learn more about family, provided they get the gift and know you sent good wishes. If you can't do more then you shouldn't feel bad, it's down to your brother. Don't think your effort is wasted, it's tempting to let it dwindle when you feel like this, but I think there is benefit in continuing if you can

pawnee oh my... how many different mothers??!! Dad still doesn't! He's met him the once at the party without realising it was him. And then another time saw him coming running out, that was it. My dad doesn't want to get involved, I think we're all emotionally exhausted from having been so involved with so many other children to then have all ties cut, not once but twice!

missingstreet ah now that's where the guilt comes in.. the gift is for the nephew that I do know, not the one I don't! I've only ever bought the nephew I don't know the newborn baby hamper.. there was no contact for the first 2 years of his life then all of a sudden my brother got involved again but didn't explicitly tell us, I found out through my mum and then saw him at the party at 2.5, fast forward a year I've not seen him since and not seen my brother all that much in the year either!

4 (I think)

Your brother needs to be told how this is impacting on you all. It doesn't need to be confrontational just

We love you, and we want to welcome anyone you love, HOWEVER, forming attachments to multiple children and then you moving on is hurting us emotionally and we wish you would handle it more maturely.