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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU? WWYD? Step parent related.

26 replies

Mildinsanity · 16/12/2018 11:01

Not stepped in here for a very long time but I really am in a dilemma and need advice.
So brief history DD4 has a different dad to my other 3DC.
I'm remarried, happy and everyone gets on fine overall.

However DD4 dad EXP has been in a relationship for the last two years, I found out around a year ago, and they are looking at moving in together next month and are engaged.
I don't know much about her except she has some health issues and did have two children, that's it.
She no longer has her children, there is no sign of them on her social media (except for her cat she calls a daughter) and my EXP has avoided the whole conversation since.
DD4 has been introduced but doesn't have regular contact with her.
EXP has already said when he moves in with her he will still have DD at his mums and he doesnt plan to really mix his two separate lives.
AIBU to want to know why she doesn't have her children when she's going to be involved with mine?

EXP mum picked DD up the other day and I asked her why as EXP is avoiding the conversation and she had no idea the girl even had children.

The problem is it doesn't work like that unfortunately my health is also bad and I'm looking at 10 years left so DD4 would probably want to live with her dad in the future.
He is marrying a girl and trying to keep the whole thing seperate from his daughter.

So now I've been deleted from Facebook and he is avoiding any conversation.

Am I right to be suspicious?
I want to tell him outright that he can only have DD4 at his mums until I know the truth.
AIBU?

OP posts:

BoneyBackJefferson · 16/12/2018 12:29

Mildinsanity

I am not sure what you are trying to accomplish when your plan is to do exactly what he wants. It won't force him into any type of discussion.

Handsfull13 · 16/12/2018 12:33

I'm sorry your having to deal with this all. It's horrible you have to think and plan a future for your child where you might be there.

I think you have to put it all out there and basically tell him why you are worried about this situation. Let him know there may come a time when he will have her full time and you need to know she will be looked after and happy. And once you know the reason why his future wife doesn't have children you will feel better about him introducing her to your child.

Chloe84 · 16/12/2018 12:37

Once he settles in with her he may prefer to have dd at his rather than at his mum's, so yes, I would want to know why she no longer has her dc.

It may be related to her health, but I think if dd is going to spend time with her then you have the right to know.

However, he hasn't moved in yet so don't force it.

ItIsChristmasTime · 16/12/2018 12:38

Are you worried that she isn’t allowed to have contact with her children because of an issue such as abuse or similar? If so, maybe it is worth speaking to Social Services. I doubt they will be able to tell you anything but if they are aware of an incidence or reason that she should not be allowed contact with your DD, they can liaise with your EXP and make sure your daughter is safe.

Mumshappy · 16/12/2018 12:40

I think your entitled to know why she doesnt have or see her childre. Its very rare that a mother is in this position. My exh has had succession of girlfriends who he likes to introduce to dd8 very quickly. He had one last year who didnt have her children and could only see them at a contact centre. He wouldnt tell me any more info so on that occasion i said i didnt want her round dd. They didnt last long so its a non issue now but in your case given your health of course you need to know. If her children arent allowed to see her for safeguarding reasons then why doesnt your child deserve that protection too.

Snowwontbelong · 16/12/2018 12:42

Maybe a call to ss? If she isn't allowed near a dc they should know she may have one in her life at some point.
It's not up to ex to keep possible vital info from you.

Confusedbeetle · 16/12/2018 12:46

Although social services cannot tell you anything, you can flag up that your ex and this person will have the care of your daughter. That will alert them if there are any issues of concern why this woman should not be caring for children. You have a right to know if there is any potential risk

Confusedbeetle · 16/12/2018 12:47

I would also talk to your health visitor

sockunicorn · 16/12/2018 13:02

EXP has already said when he moves in with her he will still have DD at his mums and he doesnt plan to really mix his two separate lives.

this would indicate to me she isnt ALLOWED near your DD. who actually chooses to seperate their lives like that. Maybe contact the police/social services and ask if your daughter is in immediate danger near this person. Isnt there a law/thing that says if they deem it a risk they can tell you? Also the fact he hasnt mentioned the whole "other children" to his mother would make me think theres definitely something in it.

Have you googled her name and area for court cases? Or type her name and area into facebook and twitter so if anyone else has posted about her or included her name in their posts it would hopefully come up.

Enko · 16/12/2018 13:07

Going against the grain here. No I do not think you are entitled to know why her children are not with her.

I DO think you are entitled to know your dd will be safe and not placed in the care of someone who can be dangerous for her. That is where I would go in.

There are plenty mothers who do not have their children living with them without there are any reasons for that bar the fact when she and her ex parted they decided the dad was the more stable place for the child to be. My best friend and her X did 50 50 for 4 years then their son said he wanted to stay with dad as that was his childhood home (he was 14 at that time) This is now 5 years on She never posts about her children on any social media as they do not like it. However she has a close loving relationship with her sons and speaks to all of them daily.. Sees her youngest several times a week and he pops in when ever he feels like it.. No concerns about child endangerment. Just 2 parents no longer together doing what they feel is best for their sons.

RolandDeschainsGilly · 16/12/2018 13:07

I would call SS and give them her name.

I say this as someone who’s ex friend has had 3 children removed and she will bleat to all and sundry it wasn’t her fault but she categorically should never be allowed near children. And I would report her if I found her to be in a relationship with a man who has children.

swingofthings · 16/12/2018 13:13

I agree theres a big difference between her kids being removed from her to her kids living with their dad for whatever reasons. I would call SS and ask if there is a safeguarding issue and if they confirm that there isn't, I would leave it to that.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 16/12/2018 13:21

I'm a social worker. You need to call social services because it sounds like it is a possibility that her children have been removed from her care.

VladmirsPoutine · 16/12/2018 13:23

I don't think you should drop it. I know I might get flamed to high heavens but usually when a mother does not have access to her children or is reliant on external agencies to facilitate contact with her children there is something very amiss. Men can all but walk out with no fucks given, women don't usually do that sort of thing.

StillMe1 · 16/12/2018 13:26

I agree that SS will not discuss any situation with the woman and her DCs with you, I think they will give you some sort of answer when you explain the situation.
I had to ask about a distant relative because I had a child at home. I was told that there was no reason for me to worry. I didn't try to ask any more questions.

HolesinTheSoles · 16/12/2018 13:27

YANBU. It's very strange that he doesn't want his DD at his own house and if her living with him in the future is a possibility of course they'll inevitably have close contact. How much do you trust exP to keep DD safe and keep her away from anyone who might be a risk to her?

BlueEyedBengal · 16/12/2018 14:00

I'd be worried by the way he's reacting not answering your questions. You have a right to know when it comes to a new partner that has contact with your child. If it were the other way around he would want to know wouldn't he?

Original poster

Mildinsanity · 16/12/2018 14:02

I will give SS a call, it just doesn't sit right that there appears to be this level of secrecy. I don't care what EXP chooses to do but I'm concerned for my child, he wouldn't not tell his mum unless he knew she'd not be happy.
I know he wouldn't intentionally put her in harm's way but he is very nieve.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mildinsanity · 16/12/2018 14:05

Blueeyed that's the thing he doesn't seem to understand, if my partner had children and no longer had any custody EXP would be demanding answers for his own peace of mind.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mildinsanity · 18/12/2018 12:53

Ok so I had a conversation with EXPs new partner as he won't tell me.
She was surprisingly honest and forthcoming but I honestly don't know how to respond or deal with it.
So she has two children who were removed years ago she says under forced adoption because of her health issues, she smoked pot (no judgements I'm a believer in its medicinal value) and her partner at the time was a junkie.
She states she has no intention to get involved with DD4 in anyway (except if she has to cos I die or something) and EXP will only have DD4 at his mums anyway.

I don't know how to feel, people change and I can't judge her but she has had two children removed from her care.
I don't like the fact that EXP is in a position of choosing between his partner and his dd, if the shoe was on the other foot he wouldn't be happy about me marrying someone who doesn't want to be involved with my family or had children removed.

I'm at a loss, I feel bad for my daughter because it seems her dad's always gonna have to make a choice and that he may just abandon her.
Any advice?

OP posts:

Allthewaves · 18/12/2018 13:03

I'd sit down and have a chat with ex and partner. She seems to be honest and open. Explain your concerns about your life expectancy. It could be new wife is too scared to form another emotional bond with a child if she's changed.

HerRoyalNotness · 18/12/2018 13:07

I’d go ahead with speaking to SS as PP have recommended. What she is saying doesn’t seem to be the whole story.

Original poster

Mildinsanity · 18/12/2018 13:36

We are all going to sit down in the new year and she's going to tell me the whole story, I feel for her because it's obviously a struggle for her to talk about but I've got to consider my daughter.
It could be about bonding I'd not thought of that.
If I don't feel comfortable after the sit down I will call SS.

OP posts:

lau888 · 18/12/2018 13:42

Is she clean now? Her kids were clearly adopted out because of her drug use and unstable environment. Do you think she's trying to reassure you about not getting involved so she doesn't come across as an overbearing stepmom? She's said that she would get involved if necessary. (Perhaps, also if invited?) Finally, how old is your eldest? In a few years' time, perhaps your older children will be a position to care for their youngest sibling. In fact, in a few years' time, perhaps your ex will have a different girlfriend. The future is never set in stone. x

Jaxhog · 18/12/2018 13:50

Sounds like you have things well in hand now Op.

Regarding your worry about who would look after your DD4 in the sad event you couldn't - wouldn't your current DH be involved?

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