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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is Dh over reacting

101 replies

Tryingmybest1000 · 16/12/2018 07:32

Dh has got up and gone to sleep in the spare room. The reason being...dd (2) woke up coughing at 1am and i still like to have the monitor on so we both woke up (monitor was on half volume next to me) and he hasn't been able to get back to sleep because of it.

He hasn't slept well recently as he has been working nights and has averaged about 5-6 hours sleep a day so i get he is sleep deprived. I have some anxiety around keeping the monitor on as dd sleeps on a different floor to us and we sleep with the door shut.

I'm having counselling for the anxiety and as a compromise we agreed to turn the volume down but dh this morning has told me that he'll now deal with it by smashing the monitor up.

He's also annoyed that i went straight back to sleep after dd finished coughing.

OP posts:
fairylightsandfire · 16/12/2018 09:03

OP I don't say this lightly but he seems like a horrible person. Very little of what you have said is acceptable behaviour for a full grown man and a 'loving' husband. Why are you with him? Does he have any redeeming qualities?

Also I couldn't agree more @Makido

FlamingJuno · 16/12/2018 09:09

Wouldn't separate bedrooms be the easy answer to this? You could then have the noise you want and need i.e. the baby monitor and he could have the noise he wants and needs i.e. the tv. You have a bedroom available, use it to relieve some of your joint stresses. Everyone will be happier and kinder with better sleep.

PumpkinKitty82 · 16/12/2018 09:11

Sleep with your door open and throw away the monitor. She’s 2!

M0RVEN · 16/12/2018 09:11

Please don’t have another child with him.

LL83 · 16/12/2018 09:13

@owletele of course there is no limit on a monitor but if one person in the room doesn't want it that has to be a consideration.

OP DD coughed in sleep and didn't need you, how often does noise come through on the monitor that you don't need to act on? During the day if your DD shouts/cries for you can you hear her from one floor to the other? The answer to these questions would make decision for me.

If you genuinely think he will smash the monitor up and the calling you boring is normal behaviour for him that is a bigger issue and something he should work on. If he has put up with monitor this long I think he would have binned it/smashed it by now if that's what he wanted to do. So likely just words said in tiredness.

cuppycakey · 16/12/2018 09:16

He sounds fucking awful.

So, just to clarify as I may have misunderstood. He HAS to sleep with the tv on. But if his child is unwell and coughs, it enrages him to the point where he is getting out a hammer and smashing things up?

I agree with PP - how do women tolerate living like this?

Short term, offer to sleep in spare room with monitor.

Long term - is this how you want to spend the next year/five years/ten years?

BertrandRussell · 16/12/2018 09:19

OP-are you safe?

Nanny0gg · 16/12/2018 09:20

I think you should sleep separately. In different houses.

BillyGoatGruff007 · 16/12/2018 09:21

He makes you sleep with the TV on? What would happen if you threatened to smash that up with a hammer?
Yes, this.

And I'm another who wonders how do women tolerate living like this?

pictish · 16/12/2018 09:22

The issue isn’t this isolated incident involving the baby monitor. We can all understand a sleep-deprived person overreacting to being woken up.
The problem is with your selfish, domineering wanker husband.

MissyCooper · 16/12/2018 09:24

Yet another absolute arsehole husband on MN. Seriously every time I come on here I can't get my head around how many women marry these horrid men and then keep having more kids with them

This 100%

BertrandRussell · 16/12/2018 09:27

"Yet another absolute arsehole husband on MN. Seriously every time I come on here I can't get my head around how many women marry these horrid men and then keep having more kids with them"

Absolutely. And a depressing number of posters-presumably other women- saying "oh dear, he must be tired, the poor lamb. Appease him-he can't help it"

AnoukSpirit · 16/12/2018 09:28

Yes, there is a pattern of behaviour here. And it looks to be about domination. Hence his decision to deliberately deprive you of sleep and put the blame on you as he was doing it.

What makes you so certain he would get a hammer to smash it up?

Op, how is it you've come to believe all this behaviour is normal and acceptable?

Because it very much is not how any of us should ever be treated by a partner who says they care for us and love us. It's so very far from normal.

Oh, and his rejection of compromise is because he wants to be the one in control with power. He doesn't compromise on anything else either, does he? You've just had to gradually give more and more so he has what he wants. Like not being allowed to sleep in silence yourself.

Because you know he will kick off if you don't do what he wants. That's control, not love.

pictish · 16/12/2018 09:29

“How do women tolerate living like this?”

I hate these lofty sort of statements. It’s so rude and unhelpful.

MissyCooper · 16/12/2018 09:32

It’s not “lofty” to point out that it is not normal to want to live with someone who smashes objects with a hammer when he’s mildly inconvenienced.

Original poster
Tryingmybest1000 · 16/12/2018 09:33

I'm trying to think of dpme redeeming features dh has but i'm struggling. Ever since we had dd we have clashed on everything and the monitor is the latest thing.

The last argument we had was that he didn't feel like he got enough attention, and that i should be paying him more attention in the evenings (after i've put dd to bed, tidied up, sprted bags and lunches for all for work and nursery the next day )

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 16/12/2018 09:33

but dh this morning has told me that he'll now deal with it by smashing the monitor up.

This, and the fact he came in at 2am and told you how boring you are means he has completely lost any sympathy I may have felt about his insomnia. He doesn't sound a keeper to me.

pictish · 16/12/2018 09:34

“Yet another absolute arsehole husband on MN. Seriously every time I come on here I can't get my head around how many women marry these horrid men and then keep having more kids with them.”

How is this statement anything other than a further kicking to someone who is already down? Is this really how you want to be seen to be advising a victim of domestic abuse?

bastardkitty · 16/12/2018 09:35

I think your H needs his own room in a seperate flat. You have a life of misery with him, don't you?

BlimeyCalmDown · 16/12/2018 09:35

@pictish Why? are you living with one of these types of men as well?

pictish · 16/12/2018 09:37

It is lofty. It’s a sweeping statement the places responsibility on the victim.

Windgate · 16/12/2018 09:40

Trying your H's behaviour is controlling and abusive. If I were you I would discuss this event with my counsellor. I'm willing to be the that he is the cause of your anxiety.

Puggles123 · 16/12/2018 09:40

How many nights a week does he work?

pictish · 16/12/2018 09:41

Thanks for caring...but no. It’s about the fact that blame is being directed where it doesn’t lie.

MarthasGinYard · 16/12/2018 09:43

He sounds controlling and vile

Why on earth does he get to decide if door is open or closed??

Your dc sleeps on a different floor, too right you want the monitor on.

He wants attention? He sounds pathetic