Is Dh over reacting

[Tryingmybest1000]

Dh has got up and gone to sleep in the spare room. The reason being...dd (2) woke up coughing at 1am and i still like to have the monitor on so we both woke up (monitor was on half volume next to me) and he hasn't been able to get back to sleep because of it.

He hasn't slept well recently as he has been working nights and has averaged about 5-6 hours sleep a day so i get he is sleep deprived. I have some anxiety around keeping the monitor on as dd sleeps on a different floor to us and we sleep with the door shut.

I'm having counselling for the anxiety and as a compromise we agreed to turn the volume down but dh this morning has told me that he'll now deal with it by smashing the monitor up.

He's also annoyed that i went straight back to sleep after dd finished coughing.

[Waddsup12]

Does he control how you look after the little one?

Why are you doing all the cleaning for hosting stuff?

Might be time to assess the relationship. If he isn't supporting you and you're tiptoeing around him, it's not good.

[Purpleartichoke]

My dd has asthma so we think of coughs a little differently. At 2, One of us would have slept in the same room as her or the monitor would be on full volume depending on how ill she was.

She is 9 now and we don’t use a monitor, but we do have an echo right next to her so she can summon us even if her lungs are weak.

So my first instinct at a parent wanting to ignore a 2 year olds cough is to want to smack him upside the head.

[Tryingmybest1000]

Today is the last day we all have off together before Christmas. And had consisted of dh sulking on thr sofa doing nothing, and me cleaning the house from top to bottom as we're hosting and we need to preparing. Also cooked dinner, cleaned the pets out and watched dd.

Feeling very down at the moment.

[C8H10N4O2]

This is the second thread today I've read from women who are coping with home and small babies whilst their shift working partners opt out and treat the woman badly and expect no change in life with small children.

Maybe you should get together and leave your self centred excuses for men to each other!

[CheshireChat]

OP he sounds abusive and you should be making plans to get out.
Honestly, he wants everything exactly his way and it doesn't work like that he threatens violence and you believe he'll carry it out as well.

Even if he wasn't violent, it sounds like a miserable way to live, there's no room in his life for anyone and anything else other than his wants.

My son is 4 and we still have a monitor btw as whilst he's more than capable to come looking for us, he might not do that straight away. Due to layout, I also can't hear him unless he's screaming his head off.

For example, if he's sick his first instinct is to get everything clean first which obviously isn't the priority.

Useful other times as well.

[SarahET]

P.S my 3 year old is bloody hard work. If it were a grown adult acting that way and I didn't have to put up with it I wouldn't.

[SarahET]

Your husband sounds like my 3 year old...

Mental when tired. Yes.
Needs music to sleep. Yes.
Needs endless attention. Yes.
Breaks things in a tantrum. Yes.
Throws a tantrum if things don't go her way. Yes.

Usually if she's acting like this I put her in time out. Do you have a naughty step you can sit him on?

[MilkManiaMama]

Our DD is 11 months, wakes up most nights around 1am and comes into bed with us because she won't resettle, she then manhandles my boobs all night, thumps me and makes noises in my ear and then wakes us both up at 5am! I often get cross with my hubby because he sleeps soundly all night while I'm being disturbed and if he's had a crap night's sleep because DD is crying all night if she's ill or something then he will be really ratty too. We both often snap at each other first thing in the morning and I can totally imagine him threatening to smash something up with a hammer (it's usually one of the cats scratching on our door at 4am)!

Having said that, we always apologise to each other a few hours later or ignore the ratty comments accepting that the other person is tired. I definitely feel silly for being grumpy and I know he does too, so we either let it go or try and help each other out more the next day.

If I honestly thought that my husband might smash one of our possessions in a rage or if he wasn't apologetic for his outbursts then I would definitely have to reconsider my feelings for him and I think he would say the same about me.

[RogerBannister]

He sounds like an asshole that you would be better off without.

[Tryingmybest1000]

He does struggle with people having anxiety because he thinks its a made up disorder. I try really hard to not mention anything as he is not at all supportive of anything i mention.

I've compromised as much as i can, i sometimes feel like i have nothing left to give.

[BertrandRussell]

"Could he be struggling with living with your anxiety? If so the answers on here aren't going to be helpful."
Struggling with living with her anxiety, so he gets a hammer Nd smashes a baby monitor. Right.

[Eliza9917]

Put the monitor under your pillow then it will only disturb you.

[TopBitchoftheWitches]

Is your spare room on the same floor as your room?

[PyeWackets]

He sounds like a very unpleasant man.

Maybe you need to have a think about your relationship love.

Threatening to smash things up, huge red flag. I wonder how much of your anxiety is because you are with him?

[Birdsgottafly]

Is there a safety gate etc?

Could he be struggling with living with your anxiety? If so the answers on here aren't going to be helpful.

You need a proper discussion with him.

[Tryingmybest1000]

Never heard of a music pillow - have one coming tomorroe for christmas. Thank you for the idea.
Am sure i will get told a reason why that won't work though

He's finally got up, said 2 words to me, upset dd and gone back to bed .

[DoinItForTheKids]

That's a dang good idea about a music pillow!

I imagine there'll be some 'reason' why that won't suffice though, can't you?

It's really not good is it, this man sounds really unpleasant.

[PrincessButtockUp]

Threatening to smash the baby monitor is concerning me.

Scratch the surface and we've found he likes the background noise he likes, which you just have to suffer.

He is jealous of the attention the child gets from you.

He works shifts despite knowing that they play havoc with his sleep and despite you suggesting he make a change.

You have struggled to name any redeeming features this man has.

I think you know where MN will go with all this information.

Personally, I think you need to work out what you want, and have a conversation with him that you won't get bullied or coerced out of, namely that he needs to step up, be a better parent and partner, and not take his sleep deprivation out in the family.

For Christmas, may I suggest buying him a pillow speaker? That way he can listen to podcasts or music quietly without disturbing you. It might be a conversation starter!

[Inertia]

He’s a controlling and potentially abusive man who is punishing you because you are prioritising the well-being of the baby above your partner’s wants. The threats about smashing up the monitor with a hammer are intended to send you a very clear message . Think very carefully about how safe you are.

[EATmum]

We sleep on a different floor than our DDs and had a monitor for far longer than I would have done otherwise it was the fear of not hearing them being sick or something, where they may not be able to shout out, but would need us.

I’ve had insomnia since my teens, but would much rather struggle with another night of crap sleep than the alternative in this situation. Hope you’re ok OP.

[DoinItForTheKids]

Control by baby monitor, that's a new one but given this type of man's general lack of any normal levels of resilience over anything, just one further form of him making all about him and what he wants. Presumably having the bedroom door shut was his idea originally, and another form of control - it's him versus the baby in his mind, never a healthy situation. He sounds awful.

[53rdWay]

he didn't feel like he got enough attention, and that i should be paying him more attention in the evenings

Men who feel they are the most important person in the family often do struggle with the reduced amount of attention they get after a baby comes along. I would ask how much of the evening running-around, housework and bedtime stuff he is doing but I'm willing to bet it is not very much.

I agree with pp that living with someone like this is at the very least not helping your anxiety. Is your relationship something you've discussed with your counsellor?

[ladyflower23]

In your situation I would have a monitor. If I didn't have one it would play on my mind that I wouldn't hear dd if she woke up. I'm a deep sleeper and so is DH and when our DD was 2 she would call for us if there was a problem in the night, not come and get us. So I don't think having some level of anxiety around not having the monitor on is abnormal. I hope he's not making you feel that it is.

[seven201]

I think he's being a dick.

We have a 2.5 year old and still use a monitor.

[Juells]

I'm willing to be the that he is the cause of your anxiety.

It wasn't until I was a few years out of my marriage that it finally dawned on me that all the anxiety and stomach problems and breathing problems I used to have were from the stress of living with my ex. It's hard to identify the cause at the time, you're too close to the situation and have become used to the situation, used to appeasing and trying not to make waves.