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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help

26 replies

SquirrelsTyrells · 15/12/2018 19:40

My DH is an arsehole. He has depression. Anxiety. Stress. Paranoia. Insecure. The lot. His anger and impatience is off the scale.

He brings home the money and is selfless with it.

But he is so unpleasant. Everyday he loses his temper. Shouts. Swears. Calls me names. He isn’t going to change as he thinks he isn’t doing anything wrong.
He is absolutely vile to my eldest child. He can’t parent with her and See you soon x awful things to her.

We own this home together. In an ideal world he’d leave and me and children stay put with him welcome to come see them here whenever he likes. Even on a temporary basis.l till he can get his head straight.

I run a small but successful business and would have to reduce this to minimal or close it completely if we split up. This is due to childcare.

Can anyone suggest what I can do? He won’t leave. He says he will not pay the mortgage then he wil destroy my credit file and I’ll not be able to buy a car etc. Which id need to get kids to school, clubs etc.

He needs to go but I don’t know how and I’m also afraid.

OP posts:
brizzledrizzle · 15/12/2018 19:50

My DH is an arsehole. He has depression. Anxiety. Stress. Paranoia. Insecure. The lot. His anger and impatience is off the scale.

it sounds more like he is ill than an arsehole but I get that it's hard for you too Flowers

Original poster
SquirrelsTyrells · 15/12/2018 19:58

I don’t care now ill someone is, it doesn’t give them the right to abuse us.

He’s had ample opportunity to seek help and support but fails to get it. The lack of support doesn’t help either.

I’m not putting me or DC through it any longer. Their memories should be magical not tainted by daddy’s ‘illness.’

I have no sympathy for him anymore.

OP posts:
Lifeisabeach09 · 15/12/2018 19:59

Legal advice asap. Also, if he is getting abusive, I'd document every incident with the police.

brizzledrizzle · 15/12/2018 19:59

What support has he tried? There is precious little available on the NHS these days so he might need to go private if that is an option.

Dodgepodge · 15/12/2018 20:00

Being I'll doesn't give you the right to abuse those closest to you.

What help is he getting?

What support do you have?

Jackshouse · 15/12/2018 20:01

Does he treat other people this way? Or is it just his partner and child?

Dodgepodge · 15/12/2018 20:01

*ill

MumW · 15/12/2018 20:03

Talk to Womens Aid?
He might be ill but he is still being abusive.
Flowers

Original poster
SquirrelsTyrells · 15/12/2018 20:05

He treats us and his parents badly.

He is on various medication. He has tried mindfulness, counselling. Then exercise. Cutting down on booze. Losing weight etc.

He’s been slurring his words this last week. Some of his behaviour is so irrational I can’t get my head round it. His memory is TERRIBLE.

What support do I have? None. But I’ve been through worse and am strong.

Anyway, we can do something privately. But what?

OP posts:
Jackshouse · 15/12/2018 20:12

He has depression and he is only cutting down on alcohol. It does not sound like he is tries to me. I know depression makes it difficult to try though.

You are very right that you need to protect you and your child. I asked the question about treating other people before I saw that you want to get out as I thought you might be happy to go along with it.

I would ask MN to move this to relationships as it is probably a more helpful board.

Original poster
SquirrelsTyrells · 15/12/2018 20:15

If he can get better, I’d love to stay as we have an empire and wonderful children and family and plans.

But this resentment and hatred he has in him is hard to tolerate. He’s struggled immensely with transition to father hood. Sacrificing the things he once so enjoyed. Money and time prevent them from happening so often nowadays.

His shift pattern causes him to have little sleep. Changing isn’t an option at the moment for various reasons.

I just want peace, love and simplicity.

OP posts:
PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 15/12/2018 20:25

In this situation I wouldn't wait for DH to get help you need to get him away from the kids. Hopefully he gets help later but the kids are your main responsibility not DH. I think you need legal advice ASAP.

brizzledrizzle · 15/12/2018 20:27

Women's aid seems like a good starting point given he's not really making much of an effort to get the help.

Whatthefoxgoingon · 15/12/2018 20:29

You will have to sacrifice your financial security and get away from this man. Or you’ll be stuck in this bastard of a life forever. Very sorry this is happening to you. No one deserves to be treated this way, mental illness or not.

LakieLady · 15/12/2018 20:29

Keep a diary of every incident. See a solicitor.

His behaviour is abusive, and children should not be brought up in an abusive environment.

Doyoumind · 15/12/2018 20:36

Surely there will be some kind of childcare solution. That isn't enough of a reason for you to stay with him.

He doesn't need to act like this even with his MH issues. If he manages to keep a lid on it at work then he should be able to at home.

I agree - Women's Aid then legal advice.

feliciabirthgiver · 15/12/2018 20:41

Sounds awful for you, do you think the slurred speech and memory loss may warrant a trip to the GP, these can be signs of medical symptoms? You are in my thoughts Thanks

cuppycakey · 15/12/2018 20:43

You need legal advice. Flowers

LMDC · 15/12/2018 21:41

Poor mental health is not an excuse to be a cunt.

I grew up with a mother who used her mental health as an excuse for her nastiness (& still does) and it has affected me in day-to-day life even to this day.

You deserve much better OP, and your children shouldn't grow up seeing such casual abuse. I really feel for you, and I hope you get help so that you and your children have a happy, warm and loving life Flowers

FullOfJellyBeans · 15/12/2018 21:48

Even if DH's mental health problems give him no control over his behaviour (and this seems unlikely) it doesn't stop his behaviour damaging his DC and they have to come first. I would leave him. Even if you're much worse off. You'll need to get good advice about the best way to leave him and how exactly to go about it.

missymayhemsmum · 15/12/2018 21:54

Are you afraid of him op? Does he have awareness of the effects of his behaviour on you and the kids? If he is managing not to be an angry and abusive arsehole at work then he clearly feels that he can behave like that at home.

If he isn't motivated to change his behaviour and get help for his prblems then there come a point where you have to end the relationship, but don't pretend to yourself that that will be easy or that he will carry on paying the mortgage, you will need to grow your business to support yourself and the children entirely.

missymayhemsmum · 15/12/2018 22:03

Sorry, saw your next post. Nobody can be their best self on long term sleep deprivation. The behaviour you describe could be down to just that. Shiftwork can cause depression and illness. You say changing isn't an option but it might have to be, or at least for him to take a break, maybe sick leave, or cut down his shifts. Money isn't worth wrecking his health, your marriage and your children's lives. With the forgetfulness and irrationality he needs to see the GP and get signed off.

MilStrikesAgain789 · 15/12/2018 22:07

Do you have any family close by that can help/ help out with childcare?

Original poster
SquirrelsTyrells · 15/12/2018 22:36

No we have no help. In laws can occasionally but they’re a nightmare. We have a babysitter who comes occasionally.

You’re absolutely right about the shift work. It’s a killer and is likely to be the main cause of his turmoil. We’d not be able to survive without it. When both DC in full time school he can go onto a better shift pattern. Even sooner if the baby can start playgroup/preschool.

OP posts:
Cubrrt · 15/12/2018 22:44

Has this been a very abrupt change? You mention he hasn't transitioned well into fatherhood and it sounds like you have 3 young children; has he deteriorated significantly after the most recent?