PDA child and making it fair for the others

[lampshadelife]

Posting here for traffic.

I need help from anyone who has a child with PDA as well as another child/ren.

My daughter (11) is in the process of being assessed for PDA and high anxiety. I'm 99.9 % certain she has it and have been reading up a lot about how to manage children with PDA.

The issue I'm concerned about, is that the way I'd have to manage her behaviour requires a much more passive role from me as a parent.

If I was to describe my parenting, I'd say I'm firm but fair. I'm all about involving children and Positive praise etc. But, ultimately, when I've asked for something to be done or pulled the children up on bad behaviour more than once- I will tell them off. I don't feel young children should be negotiating rules or manipulating parents to get their own way.

I have two other children and a step son (all boys). I've never had to so much as raise my voice to them. A warning or even 'the look' was enough for them to behave.

Realising that my daughter was definitely more challenging lead me to the realisation that she has additional needs. But I'm a bit apprehensive after reading the guide on managing behaviour.

If it was just her I'd have no issues with it. But I feel that the boys will wonder why I'm so lenient with her but not them? Will it cause resentment between siblings or myself and the boys?

Also- how does this really prepare my daughter for the real world? In the real world, people won't find role play techniques to ask her to do something.

Anyone else encountered this before and what was the outcome.
Thanks in advance

PDA?

Pathological demand avoidance

Pathological Demand Avoidance. Sorry OP I don't have much experience but I'm sure someone will be on soon.

There is a good facebook group for girls on the spectrum called Colouring Outside the Lines. You may get some answers there x

Stoppedat1- thank you! That's really useful:-)

Op my son has PDA not diagnosed. But he does. His official diagnosis is asd, add and odd. But it is certainly PDA. I have no advice except that your other children like Mine will realise that life is not fair.
Their sibling will be treated differently and that is not fair but in order for your family to survive it is the only way. I am like you I am a firm parent it is hard for me to parent a child with PDA but if I were to treat him as I do the others then violence occurs..and that is worse than dealing with a little bit of inequality.
I hear you op it's the most challenging thing I have ever had to deal with.

Parenting a pda child means turning everything on its head. It didn't cause any resentment with my other children. I think they were just glad of a quieter more ordered existence.
As for preparing them for the future, I don't think mine will ever cope in the real world as others do. Have you applied for an ehcp?

I babysat for a girl with this (and her much younger brother.) It was the hardest thing in the world when she was almost breaking his arm to get up and go into the kitchen with a manufactured excuse. It worked - she lost interest and left him alone, but there was no way she would've let him go if I'd stayed and pleaded with her to stop.

I'd read a book her mum had (I think it was this one where it mentioned that you couldn't make any demands because they'd be resisted.

The PDA way of parenting is actually a good model of parenting. It isnt about giving into kids at all. That wouldnt work.

It's about ignoring bad behaviour, focusing on good. And most importantly making them think theyre making the right decisions off their own bat.

It's about having good.routines, giving them control with bounderies and talking things through instead of reacting to behaviour.

I don't have a.child who has PDA but I do know a couple. And the techniques really do work. Stick with it, just model it as a whole family approach.

ive a pda child hes 8,he also had asd,adhd,gdd by 18m-2y,spd, cluster speech(was non verbal till he was 5),severe separation anxiety(ie me as i cant leave him) and doesnt sleep

he has a 14 y old brother with 8 disabilities as well

i follow gentle parenting,its way to much to go in to here but google it

what you have wrote is where your going wrong

a pda child will always react negative to any telling off as it will automatically get their hackles up and will respond with violence or resistance

its the same if any every day demands that are asked or expected of them

normal type of parenting will just not work and it will be a everyday battle

i will say out of all the other disabilities this is the hardest to deal will but when i got my head around it and researched and researched it just come second nature to me as i never followed "normal"parenting to begin with

Wow thanks for all the responses! Kind of feel alone in this process as I've never met someone with a child with PDA.

PDA Society

Cheeeislifenow- thank you. I suppose it's true that the others will just have to accept it. I think they will, but I feel guilty. Like a hypocrite I guess.

It's a tiring process isn't it. Having to think about how you are going to ask a child to follow a basic demand and going against your usual parenting tactics.

Thanks Theory- no ehcp yet. It's all early stages. I'm pushing for this diagnosis. The assessor at CAMHs suggested it may just be her personality! I disagree and insisted they explored the idea of PDA.

Interesting responses. I worry about similar (how to be and appear to be fair to both DC, when one has additional needs)

My daughter (11) has asd but I’m sure she has what I have heard referred to as a pda profile.

I read this blog by a mum with a nt child and and pda child which helped me understand it all a bit more. She has a fb page too. It’s a very long standing blog but I found it a really useful and interesting insight. www.stephstwogirls.co.uk

My older daughter hasn't got PDA but sounds pretty similar in the way her anxiety manifests itself - total control freak. I don't get anywhere with conventional authority. Everything has to be managed in a round about way and by avoiding confrontation.

As a result my younger daughter has had a much more lax style of parenting. This has generally been OK. She does understand about my older daughter's needs. She will sometimes express anger at the injustice, but generally I can hug her and we can have a moment of understanding and exasperation about older daughter and move on.

I have often thought how different my style of parenting might have been if my older daughter had been more conventional.

I think if you can find a way to give equal attention to all the children (although I understand that might prove difficult), then even if the rules are different, you are providing another kind of equality.

I thought this was a thread about Public Displays of Affection.

I will say though thatthe crucial bit will be getting the school to follow pda strategies hence me asking about an ehcp. If they don't or won't use the correct strategies then it can make life extremely difficult and the child can end up having real issues accessing education.

Mine is a frequent absconder/school refuser because teachers just don't get the different way he needs handling. It's a long term battle getting educational provision right.

Depending on the ages of your other children, I’ve always liked this to explain the difference between equality and equity.

Sorry picture didn’t attach...

I think children with this disability don't yet get the recognition that I hope it will in the future. I've even heard of doctors refusing to believe it, exists when a patient sitting right in front of them is suffering with it.

One said a child was just 'naughty'. About time that word was put to bed when describing any child's behaviour.

It really is scandalous. I hope you get some help OP and the PDA Society will be useful with that.

In the real world, people won't find role play techniques to ask her to do something.

I would say, don't worry about the "real world" yet. My DS (Asperger's diagnosis with quite a few PDA qualities though PDA wasn't a thing when he was diagnosed) had an amazing social skills tutor. And one thing I learned from her was to think forwards, not backwards. She wouldn't say, when he is an adult he will need to do this or that, so we have to teach him to do this or that right now. Instead she said, OK, this is what he can do now. This is where he is, developmentally. And if he can do that, then the next step for his development will be to do this as well. So she would encourage him to learn this next step, to move forwards.

We couldn't tell how far he would get, what he would be able to do or not when he is an adult. DS is now 20 and there are some things he can do that amaze me, that I would not have expected when he was 6 or 12. And there are other things he still can't do, things that still upset him, things that don't go as well as they should. But he has come a very long way, one step at a time. At the moment you are still figuring out what works for your DD.

A lot of PDA management is really about reducing anxiety. For kids with PDA scoldings, The Look, etc, can raise anxiety (if they are picked up and understood at all). My DS was really triggered if I just used an angry or sharp tone, I found I had to learn to use a very neutral factual tone and even turn my back on him when I needed to explain about behaviour (may not be the same for your DD). Anyway you may well find that when you are into the swing of PDA management and figured out what works best for her, your DD will start to be (a little) less anxious and more open to learning the next steps.

I used quite a lot of Explosive Child which is another low-demand strategy, not specific to PDA. I also used ASC-specific communication strategies, plus just making some stuff up as I went along that seemed to work for DS.

Anyway, sorry for the long ramble, which I realise isn't really answering your question. And if you head over to the MN Special Needs boards you'll find quite a few parents whose kids have PDA.

^*The PDA way of parenting is actually a good model of parenting. It isnt about giving into kids at all. That wouldnt work.

It's about ignoring bad behaviour, focusing on good. And most importantly making them think theyre making the right decisions off their own bat.^
^
Babyshark-*^ i do agree to an extent. Although, I don't particularly agree in ignoring bad behaviour. I do think children need to understand that certain types of behaviour is not ok and they need to know why. I think that's how they learn right from wrong from a young age. I don't mean giving heaps of attention to bad behaviour, but definitely calling them out for it and explaining why.

I believe my DD1 (16) has PDA too, no diagnosis but after reading an article about it when she was 14 it was like a light going on. I then looked at the PDA Society website. She is hopefully getting a referral to CAMHS after a bad episode at college. She also has lots of anxiety issues.

You describe your parenting style similar to mine, and after realising about the PDA I had to make some changes. Not big but just making her aware of things more. Her main issues were if she felt days out (even those for her benefit), or changes to our routine were made at short notice she couldn't cope and would become angry and start to refuse to do anything. So giving her more notice of these changes where possible helped, if she did start to get upset then learning to leave her alone to calm down and trying not to get angry (still learning this one!) at her if we needed to leave immediately. The more people react to her, the more upset she gets. My youngest two didn't notice too much difference as they are pretty laid back.

We spoke to the school about it, she had a great teacher at the time who helped but sadly left in Year 11, and when she had her college interview we made them aware of her need for solitude sometimes, or the way she may react in certain situations.

To be honest, even though she doesn't have an official diagnosis, just reading the information for herself made a difference. She is much more confident now in speaking up for herself.

I do think children need to understand that certain types of behaviour is not ok and they need to know why

I agree with this. Even though DD is 16, if she has some particulary unpleasant behaviour then there will be consequences. In our case it usually involved her phone and removing it as she cannot self-regulate her use, especially at night and doesn't sleep well because of it.