PDA child and making it fair for the others

[lampshadelife]

Posting here for traffic.

I need help from anyone who has a child with PDA as well as another child/ren.

My daughter (11) is in the process of being assessed for PDA and high anxiety. I'm 99.9 % certain she has it and have been reading up a lot about how to manage children with PDA.

The issue I'm concerned about, is that the way I'd have to manage her behaviour requires a much more passive role from me as a parent.

If I was to describe my parenting, I'd say I'm firm but fair. I'm all about involving children and Positive praise etc. But, ultimately, when I've asked for something to be done or pulled the children up on bad behaviour more than once- I will tell them off. I don't feel young children should be negotiating rules or manipulating parents to get their own way.

I have two other children and a step son (all boys). I've never had to so much as raise my voice to them. A warning or even 'the look' was enough for them to behave.

Realising that my daughter was definitely more challenging lead me to the realisation that she has additional needs. But I'm a bit apprehensive after reading the guide on managing behaviour.

If it was just her I'd have no issues with it. But I feel that the boys will wonder why I'm so lenient with her but not them? Will it cause resentment between siblings or myself and the boys?

Also- how does this really prepare my daughter for the real world? In the real world, people won't find role play techniques to ask her to do something.

Anyone else encountered this before and what was the outcome.
Thanks in advance

Lampshade* PDA children still have consequences. Theyre just natural consequences. It really isnt about letting them kick shit out of people and get away with everything.

The main focus is on reducing anxiety which helps massively, also avoiding confrontation. As said above 'the look' or a change in tone can have a massive impact on pda children. It just doesnt work.

When done properly the positive results can be immense.

Wrong tones of voice can cause catastrophic meltdowns for mine. As for 'the look', fffwwwttt it goes straight over his head, has no effect on him at all.

I don't have any advice as this is one of my biggest concerns with my children. I have 2 with ASD and one with PDA and ADHD. Also 2 NT.

One of our biggest struggles at the moment is the it's not fair situation. Why is he allowed to do that but I'm not.
Well he's not allowed to either actually!

I'll be watching this thread with interest. Good luck OP, It's really hard going living with PDA isn't it and it's a long, hard battle for help.

Thank you so much for posting this OP, I could have cried when I read the title. I've spent the day searching the boards for a similar thread but coming up blank, and have been scared that posting my own would lead to an echoing silence with no replies.

I'm really early on in the process, DD is 6, and we've seen a rapid decline in behaviour/increase in anxiety over the last few months which has lead to us asking for help from school after her violence at home got to the point I couldn't cope any more. She's being assessed for ASD with PDA traits.

My parenting style sounds the same as yours and I'm really really struggling. I can't cope with the violence and the things she says. We've been given a book on NVR by school, has anyone tried this? We haven't got fully on board with it yet as I feel it's better suited to older children but have found some bits useful.

Having a support thread here would make the world of difference if anyone is interested

Id be up for a support thread. My child isnt in education right now as they cant adapt enough for him but ive made a lor of progress at home using info from the PDA website.

So so pleased with the responses! Not because I'm happy that other people are struggling but because it's made me realise I'm not alone here and it's so useful to hear other people's stories and views.

I can't reply properly atm as I'm busy, but if someone is able to set up a support board then I'm completely up for it.

Thank you!

This is a really informative thread. Is it possible for a child to have PDA but behave perfectly typically at school. My ds definitely has a thing with demands but it's seen at home and he does seem a bit anxious also.

mikado yes that's fairly typical pda. They hold it together and then they explode in their safe zone, ie you as mum and home. There are lots of groups on fb toget info from,I'm not in them anymore because I couldn't cope without it all on top of mine.

Sorry should've said they hold it together but the anxiety increases hence the explosive meltdowns when they come home.

My Ds I believe has pda.

My area doesn’t diagnose pda, depends who you talk to reason why . My Ds is in waiting list for adnos.

I find pda approaches work. My Ds also has Adhd. I really only would like a diagnosis for the school to understand him.

We do have some none negotiable rules. There are only a few these are about safety.

I also push on days when anxiety is lower for confidence building however this is a very fine line

Thank you Theoryofmould I've read a bit from the website there, and funnily enough I instinctively parent him that way however he's not ticking anything near all the boxes but the increase in anxiety/aggression definitely there when demands are insisted on/eg shouted. My cm only complained of this the other day 'He won't do what I tell him, when I tell him' but he can be very helpful etc. Really interesting though.

Can anyone share the best resources that they have found regarding PDA? Particularly stuff that can be shared with partners who are not so on board with a change in parenting style?

My DD is fine at school, a little anxiety over work and her teacher says he's noticed she spends a lot of time in the quiet area. She has very few friends. We went through a brief period of school refusal in September which is when the behaviour decline started but she adores her teacher and he's been great at adapting things to make them easier for her. She explodes as we're walking out of school, almost every day.

We have the in-laws staying this weekend and she's also holding everything in while they're here - a few times she's run upstairs and slammed the door and put music on, but that's far preferable to threatening to set me on fire or strangling me which are her normal go tos!

I forgot to say that my son has been out of school for nearly a year now as well. I hear this happens quite often with children with PDA

He has an EHCP and we are trying to get him a place at a specialist school as the provision he needs according to his EHCP can't be provided in mainstream. He's 7.

A support thread would be great.

this comes from a very personal place, but if your child is 'fine' at school but exploding as soon as they leave, then I think the school needs to take that on board and adapt even more. that's quite a high cost to being fine. it might be with a few more tweaks they can explode less often.
I let things go on a bit too long like that and regret it as it meant we were behind with the ehcp process and working on strategies that reduced a general level of anxiety. I wish someone had said to me to be more persistent about how home and school linked.

But should it not be the case that you ask School for how they are successfully managing the behaviour during the day, and seeing if implementing THEIR approach at home works better for you?

Two different approaches and sets of expectations much be VERY confusing to ANY child.

Yes, if the school are successfully managing the behaviour then its a great starting point for getting strategies that work. I certainly started by getting advice from the home-school link worker and class teacher about where I was going wrong and blamed myself a lot.

But what I learned is, if the child is masking and falling apart the second they leave the building, that's the sign the school isn't successfully managing the behaviour at all. Its a red flag to improve stuff.

The school I work at takes a very different approach to children with ASD who mask at school, than the school my child went to. My school fails less children as a result.

My dd has just started secondary school. Her words are “school is unbearable” but she can’t explain why. I think it’s a huge melting pot of the socialising, moving around, different teachers, demands rom teachers.

She has a pass she can use to go to learning support for time out but she rarely uses it. She said she doesn’t want not to be seen as skivimg off lessons plus I don’t think she recognises when she’s becoming overwhelmed. She’s VERY good at masking.

Can anyone give me any ideas of other strategies school could use?

I’m glad I’ve come across this thread too as I’ve been trying to figure out what is going on with my son.
I did wonder (and posted about it) if he had ODD - but I’m slowly coming round to thinking he has PDA but masks st school. I’ve been reading The Explosive Child and trying to implement the different parenting style and it does seem to be working - but I find it hard work! I too am a firm but fair type of mum, worked fine with my older two.
I’ve approached school and they have a slt therapist who is going to assess him to see if he has any lagging skills.
It isn’t every day he comes home ready to explode, but I do find that the more I exercise him the less frustrated he is - early to school for a 20min play and let him run around for similar after.
To what degree he may or may not be PDA time will tell, but I’m going to carry on with my changes to parenting style.

Can anyone talk more about strategies that schools use with a child who "masks" at school and explodes at home? DD is an angel for everyone but us her teachers, so I'm not sure what they could be doing differently during school hours that would reduce the explosions at home

Sometimes, asking a PDA child to collaborate with you in order to get something done is better than pushing buttons that will lead to the whole house being in uproar.

If you are in Yorkshire, The Jigsaw Tree is a supportive group,

I don't particularly agree in ignoring bad behaviour. I do think children need to understand that certain types of behaviour is not ok and they need to know why. I think that's how they learn right from wrong from a young age. I don't mean giving heaps of attention to bad behaviour, but definitely calling them out for it and explaining why.

I found it was better not to call DS out on bad behaviour at the time. He would panic, get angry, get agitated, behave worse. Instead I'd make a mental note and (if I decided it was appropriate) talk it through later in private. I used "social stories" to explain, I didn't write them down but I planned out what I was going to say in the social story style.

We also shouldn't underestimate the sheer power of ignoring bad behaviour. I got taught about that in parenting classes for seriously challenging kids. As a parent I felt as if I ought to react but reacting reinforces, so it was extra important to react to good (and nearly-good) and pass over bad unless I absolutely had to intervene for e.g. safety or the wellbeing of another child. Having a child who misbehaved often I ended up giving too much attention to misbehaviour unless I made a conscious decision to ignore most of it.

If your daughter is fine at school but explodes at home you might want to look into female Aspergers as the child has to work hard all day to appear normal and gets overloaded and stressed so irrupts at home. It presents very differently in girls.

If your sons are older it is not too difficult for them to understand that treating them equally does not mean treating them the same. I have older DDs and younger foster DD. FDD doesn't like following instructions although she doesn't have PDA. although FDD gets away with more, she also has had fewer privileges. Eg I would have happily taken DDs to fair at age 5. FDD - no way, as she wouldn't hold my hand, it wasn't safe. Involve DSs in the plan and make sure you plan in some treats for them.
I find that when FDD is not there DDs slip into silly childish arguments with each other. It's actually their opportunity to relax with each other and be sisters rather than always having to set the good example. I let them get on with it.