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Original poster

to have had enough of emotional intelligence falling to women

32 replies

SchoolGateBeta · 15/12/2018 16:21

Or is it just me? Ok, I'm generally sick of christmas politics but I've had enough of 'arranging Christmas' -in my family anyway- being a women thing.
Men are somehow above making arrangements. If I email/phone the related males in my family, their wives reply, which I don't always find easy, it feels like efficient work arrangements. If I suggest DP deal with his family, then the women still end up contacting me. As if it's the 1950s and men have higher things on their mind and the women don't work.

Surely enough? There probably are deeper things at play here ie.our rubbish family dynamics. But this does seem like a sexist add-on to difficult family relations.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 15/12/2018 19:09

I don't claim to speak on behalf of all women, but, in my family, my dh really isn't that bothered about seeing other people - his family, my family, even groups of friends, or "drinks" with people we know through belonging to things, so I do tend to do the instigating as I, personally love getting together with people. Now, it seems like a small thing to do to me - there are bigger issues to get worked up about. I could say "Why is it always the sociable one that has to do all the arranging" and that would be more accurate for me.
Would that help you if you weren't thinking of it as being 'wife work' but 'sociable person work' ?

Camomila · 15/12/2018 19:16

I think it really depends on the couples personalities.
DH def has better emotional intellegence than me.

This year his family are all going to their home country though so we're doing mostly stuff with my family and friends. He was in charge of organising the 'his old uni halls' annual xmas lunch though.

NothingOnTellyAgain · 15/12/2018 19:17

Would you DH genuinely be happy if he didn't see any family at xmas, or any friends?

If so then I suggest you stop inviting him along TBH as if he doesn;t like it why are you making him go out?

Fact is that most men claim to be "not that bothered" but actually would be really miffed / upset / confused if Xmas decs didn't materialise, they got no presents for xmas birthdays, there were no "special" meals etc.

Some men (and women) genuinely don't care for any of that and would be happy not seeing anyone / eating cheese sarnies same as usual & etc

But actually most men enjoy this stuff but they dont' see it as "their job" to facilitate it happening.

NAMALT my DH buys for his family and is better at gifts than me - because we are people not stereotypes. I also dont' see the point of cards at all really.

OP - I know what you mean about how it does seem that lots of families see this as womans work (and wider society too) and have heard on here about women gettign married and suddenly his female relatives are in touch about their families birthdays etc as obviously that is her job now...

Mental load / emotional legwork as you say.

NothingOnTellyAgain · 15/12/2018 19:18

Sorry my question was for backforgood.

CoughLaughFart · 15/12/2018 19:18

It’s fine to be annoyed about having to do all the organising - but it really isn’t up to you to be picking holes in how other people do it. Does it matter that your husband’s aunt rings you rather than his uncle?

NothingOnTellyAgain · 15/12/2018 19:19

Some of DH family tried it with me a bit when we got married > and I said dunno, ask DH.

That seemed to work :D

NothingOnTellyAgain · 15/12/2018 19:20

"Does it matter that your husband’s aunt rings you rather than his uncle?"

I think her point is that the aunt or the uncle should be ringing HIM as they are HIS family! lol

NothingOnTellyAgain · 15/12/2018 19:21

Essentially it's an unpaid PA job to keep the important person free to do important things.

Comes from the same place as lost people in offices tending to ask random women for directions rather than men.

HestiaParthenos · 15/12/2018 19:34

I observe this phenomenon, too. My mother does limit her own work, but when we are invited and my aunt's husband doesn't bother to help with serving the food/ clearing the table, my mother feels it is her duty to get up and help my aunt. And she glares at me if I don't follow her example.

Going on strike is probably the only solution, but be prepared to have people get angry at you. Most probably other women who'd rather pick up the burden than inconvenience the men.

Comes from the same place as lost people in offices tending to ask random women for directions rather than men.

To be fair, I just don't like talking to male strangers. Not likely to be the explanation for why men do that, though.

Fatted · 15/12/2018 19:38

My in laws are like this. My MIL once told me I hadn't got some one in their family a birthday card. I swiftly told her she was the one who had raised a man who didn't know when any of his family members birthdays were. He arranges everything with his family, I arrange everything with mine.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 15/12/2018 19:40

Men are somehow above making arrangements.

In my experience most men just aren’t as fussed about Christmas and all the self inflicted stress, expense and over the top consumerfest bollocks that it has become.

NothingOnTellyAgain · 15/12/2018 19:47

Yeah that's not true

Loads of men would not like it if they got no presents, there were no decorations, they didn't see family, no xmas morning excitement with the kids if they have them etc.

ALL my DH single friends and all the friends of all boyfriends I've had have ALWAYS gone out on Xmas eve for a knees up with their mates (ie arranged something), bought presents for their mum dad grandparents etc.

It is a total myth that men simply aren't interested in their family, would never care if they never got a present again and etc and so on.

Total balls. Honestly.

Unless there are some parts of the country where all the men are total ly different to how they are here, I find that somewhat hard to believe though.

NothingOnTellyAgain · 15/12/2018 19:49

What happens is that often once they have a long term partner, magically all that stuff becomes her job, and this is supported by society advertisers etc

Because women are all into stressing themselves out and mindless consumerism, obviosuly. Vapid & foolish things that we are.

NothingOnTellyAgain · 15/12/2018 19:49

And yes I KNOW that comment was goady, but jesus christ.

BackforGood · 15/12/2018 20:19

Would you DH genuinely be happy if he didn't see any family at xmas, or any friends?

Yes, well, any of the friends that I do the arranging for. He does make arrangements with one or two friends to do a hobby together. He wouldn't bother with his family particularly though - never fallen out or no issues, he just doesn't prioritise seeing them as being important. When the dc were children I wanted them to have a relationship with their Grandparents so I was happy to make arrangements (also taking in to account that I worked PT to dh's FT so I have more time for family stuff). Now they are adults, I forward any requests for arrangements to our 'house family' Whatsapp group and they all are responsible for replying.

NothingOnTellyAgain · 15/12/2018 20:26

So you do all the organising otherwise the kids would have no relationship with their paternal GPs and you manage the family online organisation app thingy.

If he doesn't want to go out with your friends why do you bring him along? Or don't you - but it did seem that way from your post.

I'd leave him to it personally.

NothingOnTellyAgain · 15/12/2018 20:27

I think it's rubbish TBH.

What kind of man would never take his kids to see his parents / invite them to see them.

That's beyond useless IMO.

If god forbid something had happened to you years ago, they would not know half their family etc.

I think that's not true and he would have stepped up and done it > just he doesn't need to does he.

NothingOnTellyAgain · 15/12/2018 20:29

In fact they wouldn't know their whole family as if he wouldn't bother doing anything to get the kids to even see his parents once a year or whatever then clearly he wouldn't have botehred with yours.

Do you think that's what would have happened?

I mean yes some people (men and women) are happier by themselves but on the whole humans are social animals and most maintain some relationships.

NothingOnTellyAgain · 15/12/2018 20:34

Sorry I know that sounds mean and I do the lions share of family oraginsation in my household -
BUT if push came to shove surely he would do it? If you genuinely think not then that's kind of rough.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/12/2018 20:37

I wonder if it’s a generational thing as it’s not my experience at all. Brothers, husband, dad, male friends all equally involved in gift buying, food planning and plan making.

Wearywithteens · 15/12/2018 20:45

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

NothingOnTellyAgain · 15/12/2018 20:49

Actually it just reminided me of something else.

As well as the phenomenon of women gettign asked for help more in offices than men

There is also a lot of stuff about how most of the virtual "assistants" are "female" (I mean they aren't they are computers so why are they given a sex at all? The Google one makes more sense "hey google" makes you conceptualise what you are talking to, why otherwise are we encouraged to see it as a human female?

Whether we personally feel it or not in our own lives, it's clear that helping, facilitating, that sort of thing is "women's work".

NothingOnTellyAgain · 15/12/2018 20:53

Wearywithteens - OK

But OTOH I know men who have their kids at xas and spend it down the pub... It's not much fun for the kids being there all day with their drunk dad and his drunk mates etc

Sure they are happy to relinquish the drudge but most wouldn't do it that way for the kids if it was their responsibility, I hope? Just take them to the pub day after day and sit them down with an ipad and some crisps.

Women do it because it is expected of them.
If they didn't men would pick it up I am sure.
Because people in general LIKE having celebrations and happy kids and all the rest of it.
Men can opt out because they know women will pick it up, because society says it is women's job and if xmas is shit at their house it will be her fault not his.
If a woman took her kids to the pub all day every day over xmas and sat them down while she got pissed people would have MUCH more to say about it than when a dad does it.

mummabubs · 15/12/2018 20:54

Oh the timing! I've literally just been on the phone to my mum having a bit of a weep as I just truly despair of my (otherwise lovely and brilliant) DH who literally never does anything for Christmas or his family's birthdays without repeated reminders/prompts/me stepping in. This year his dad received his birthday present 4 months late as I told DH I categorically wasn't going to step in and "rescue". This year he promised to have everything sorted for Christmas before we leave to travel home and with only a few days to go he's still got 7 presents (ie all bar one) to buy and he has no ideas and it's now too late to arrange some of the ideas we'd originally discussed.

Like other posters I just really resent that it's somehow my responsibility to gate keep all of this just because I'm a female when he doesn't do a thing towards any of my family's birthday or Xmas (and nor should he, they're my family and I'm a grown adult!)

Sethis · 15/12/2018 21:02

Emotional intelligence =/= inviting people to social gatherings

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