to have had enough of emotional intelligence falling to women

[SchoolGateBeta]

Or is it just me? Ok, I'm generally sick of christmas politics but I've had enough of 'arranging Christmas' -in my family anyway- being a women thing.
Men are somehow above making arrangements. If I email/phone the related males in my family, their wives reply, which I don't always find easy, it feels like efficient work arrangements. If I suggest DP deal with his family, then the women still end up contacting me. As if it's the 1950s and men have higher things on their mind and the women don't work.

Surely enough? There probably are deeper things at play here ie.our rubbish family dynamics. But this does seem like a sexist add-on to difficult family relations.

Good grief NothingOnTellyAgain, you seem a bit overinvested in what happens in my relationship

I was responding to a question about why 'making arrangements' was 'wifework' and I just offered my opinion that I didn't consider it to be 'wifework' in my case (did say I wasn't speaking for everyone - just offering my own personal perspective), I considered it to be more important to me as I like being sociable, being around people, chatting to people, spending time with people much more than he does, then I was more motivated.
When we've gone away together for the weekend, he's arranged it, because he like going away for a weekend and I'm a bit 'meh' about a weekend away (I personally think the hassle of arranging it + travel isn't worth the relatively small amount of pleasure I get from it) - so, for that he is more motivated.

My personal opinion is that in my case I do more arranging of the family diary, because I enjoy what we arrange more than dh. That's all.

Ok, mixed response.

Fatted - We're genuinly trying to do same - him deal with his, me deal with mine but they keep bypassing him and contacting me. This is in part due to his vagueness, which isn't just for christmas. But I think it's mostly good old-fashioned sexism.

And as to mine, I really want to organise stuff with my male relations rather than their wives. But if they don't then there's not much I can do, and we'll reach gridlock in the future. And perhaps not communicate?

This isn't really DH in my situation. This isn't me being controlling or him not wanting to see people. It's more his and my very old-fashioned relatives. And I was wondering if this is a thing? The only way to stop it, appears to be by being rude and saying you need to email DP.

Is there a better way? This is 2018

And Nothingontelly - Yes! Why is it the woman's fault when things don't go well? I'm sick of this. Again, it's 2018.

“The only way to stop it, appears to be by being rude and saying you need to email DP.”

How is that being rude? Have a think about it. It really isn’t. I’ve done this. I’ve had DH’s brother’s wife try to email me to arrange Christmas present ideas for each other’s kids. I simply told her that now I was working full time at work in the same way that DH was we had a system where we both arranged our own side of the family’s presents so I asked her to email DH about it or speak to her own DH to see what the brothers had already arranged between themselves.

I don’t do wifework. I did it VOLUNTARILY when I was a SAHM for a couple of years simply because I had much more free time than DH. It did take him a bit of adjusting to get out of that habit once I went back to work but you just have to be insistent. Therr is no rudeness involved. Don’t be conditioned into thinking it’s rude to tell relatives that you and DH arrange each other’s presents now to share the load.

Sorry badly worded last sentence! I meant don’t be afraid to say that you and DH do present buying for your own side of the family only, to share the load.

"The only way to stop it, appears to be by being rude and saying you need to email DP."

It's not rude and you dont' need to give a good reason that you aren't doing it (any more) as per curlyhairedassassin although I fully understand the urge we have to justify ourselves!

If they ring up and say "what does DH want for xmas" just say oh I don't know you'll have to ask him and put him on the phone or say he will call them back.
If it's emails just say I don't know and forward the email.
Ditto the other way around > although you said he's up for it > so he phones / sends email asking for presents, they reply to you, you forward to him or get him to get on the phone etc.

They will soon get the message.

I don't thikn that's rude. In your head just say to yourself, it's a quesstion that you dont' know the answer to. Where should presents be sent?? Does little billy prefer cats or bats? I don't know. DH knows so he should handle it.

Good luck :D

To answer your question OP the men I know and am related don't do that.

If I want to see anyone of my brothers and their families I have to contact the appropriate brother. Presents to me and my family are from that brother. I did have one year as a teenager when a newly married in sister-in-law brought me a Christmas present I wasn't impressed with it as I like the same sort of things as her husband, my brother, and she brought some very feminine stuff.

There is only one brother where sorting out arrangements differs as my relationship with his adult children and my sister-in-law is closer so I find it better to contact one of the children (who are male) if I want to see them all at once.

In fact I have a friend who left a long term partner for that (plus multiple other reasons), and is now with a guy who when he rarely tries to do that over things she tells to sort it himself.

So - any posters nodding along to 'man lets the woman do it all'. Are you thinking YES it's always me doing the organising ...

I have a question. Do you have sons? If so what are you doing to stop this pattern going on and on and on through the generations?