Fuck off with your fucking balloons

[MaryofMislethwaiteManor]

Alright, hands up, I’m hungover to fuck from a big party last night (free bar and free food which no one was bloody well eating ) and I have to go to a two year old’s party later (I might eat a very rare burger for lunch to try and get out of that, as last time I did that the world fell out of my bottom )

But I’ve just seen on Facebook that they’re currently in the process of blowing up 500 FIVE HUNDRED balloons to fill the restaurant (yes, the two year old is having their party at 7pm in a restaurant )

WHY? WHY??? Why would you just willy nilly leave 500 balloons floating around to just remain in a horrid wrinkly plastic shape for the next 1000 years, or blow away and just hang on a tree, or smother a bloody I don’t know, marlin in the sea? Why????????? And why would you spend your day blowing up 500 balloons???

Arghhhhhh it’s going to be such a long day.

They don’t Mumsnet, the mum of Maccy says it distorts your natural parenting instinct.

He doesn’t know any other two year olds, according to my cousin his best friend is 12.

All those balloons would really piss me off too. I hate the environmental trash that they are. Don't even get me started about balloon releases. Just google balloons and wildlife. I found about 4 on a beach, with the nylon ribbon, in a big tangled mess in the summer. Very sad.

Seriously OP, if I buy you a burger with lots of fries, can I go in your place? I’d love to see this

🍟🍔

hopeful face!

The child who cannot be named? cleanbee

I would pay YOU to go in my place IAteMyGrandma. I honestly think I might die.

This is the post that just keeps giving! His best friend is 12?! Love it

Macbeth's parents are wankers.

That kid is gonna need more than play therapy. Hope they have a savings account for him. Poor kid will need it.

PLEASE go to this party and do live updates like the other Mumsnetter with the boasty FIL....

Macbeth the 2 year old free sleeper who is in therapy for his inexplicable 'rages'. I have definitely heard it all now. Holy shit......

OP, I send you all the strength in the world!

Cannot get the blackadder macbeth skit out of my head now

His best friend is 12? Who’s that? He’s older brother?

And YES PLEASE YES to live updates

On one hand I would love you to go for the updates.

On the other - don't fucking go - are you crazy?

You are hungover, you have that dreadful D&V bug which you obviously don't want to pass on to everyone right before Christmas.
Oh - and you have developed a balloon phobia. Sorted.

Ha, I had a ‘free sleeping’ two year old, not by choice but because he was a little ratbag. I used to quote Macbeth at him when my sanity was really hanging on a knife edge: “sleep no more, Macbeth hath murdered sleep”, but with his name substituted and also when he was tantrumming I would quietly recite ‘tis a Tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing’ It stopped me from going completely bonkers, sort of.

I haven’t had a very good week but am cheered enormously by the thought that tonight I can watch the Strictly final in my pjs and not have to attend a toddler’s party, converse with anyone who has named their child Macbeth, be in the proximity of any balloons and can ‘free sleep’ on the sofa to my own heart’s content. Thanks, OP!

I hope they've given him a more common middle name. He's going to get bullied to pieces at school. Unless Mommy Dearest plans home schooling?

He’s an only child and will remain so because of environmental factors

The best friend is the lad who lives over the road, apparently they just ‘get on’.

Seriously OP, the balloons are the most normal part of this whole escapade!

Macbeth will be unschooled most likely. Teenage Macbeth probably wont see light until he crawls out of bed around mid day.

What are environmental factors?!

Looking forward to the live blog!

I hope they go on to have a very big family, and continue the theme ... Hamlet, Othello, Coriolanus, Titus Andronicus... Cressida, Cleopatra and Juliet for any girls ...

What a pleasant thread.

What I want now you need is a Chinese for lunch to settle your stomach and then to go tonight to 1. Get more drunk 2. Eat more Chinese and 3. Live Mumsnet from the party.

‘I’m sorry, I won’t be able to make it, I’m boycotting events with more balloons than people. Environmental factors, you know how it is.’

The kind of parents whose two year old does ‘free sleeping’ and generally stays up until 11pm.

The ballon thing is wasteful bollocks (not just the rubber Helium shouldn't be wasted that way either) but the sleep is relatively normal for toddlers with a stay at home parent tbh. Around the time of his 2nd birthday my DS was more or less ready to drop his daytime nap and would sleep for an hour or so in his buggy during the early afternoon dog walk. Then stay awake until 10/11pm at night and sleep through to about 8am, have milk, pee and go back to sleep until 9.30/10am. It was actually a very, very lovely schedule that gave us a lot of freedom to do lovely stuff in the evenings, have a great sleep at night and then I'd be up when he'd first wake and have a leisurely coffee while he'd sleep on.

I missed it a lot when he dropped his afternoon nap completely a few weeks later and slept from roughly 8pm-9am. But he's a natural night owl and as he grew older it was always the nighttime hour he dropped. Which was a relief because there was never really any reason for him to be up early and I preferred not being tied to the house for an early bedtime.

And it took him precisely 1 day to adjust completely to his school schedule when he started school.

This whole balloon wankery is so irresponsible and unnecessary.