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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Taking responsibility when you demand your own way. WIBU

46 replies

thisismeusernameything · 15/12/2018 01:11

Jack and Jill are both members of a committee at a small local chairty. Jack and Jill both work very hard for the charity where as the rest of the committee do very little. That’s a whole other thread however.

Jill books all the events and has booked two events for the same evening. The building has two function rooms so this isnt an issue for Jill. Jack disagrees and thinks the smaller function room is too small. Jill reassured jack that she had spoken to the hirer and that everything was ok.

Jack then brings the event up at committee level to in some way over rule Jill. Jill has said have it your way.

Jill has moved a very miffed hirer to the following week and has messaged jack to let him know that she’s done this.

There is also a previous engagement in the diary. The reality is there will be three Saturdays in a row where volunteers are needed now that jack has his own way. Had things been done Jill’s way there would have only been the need for two Saturdays so effectively one each.

Jill has informed Jack that she won’t be available for the third week and that she hopes our paid staff will be available as this wasn’t a planned event.

Jack can’t see why Jill is pissed off and refusing to help. Is Jill BU?

Jill is aware that she is being petty but Jack pulls this shit all the time (e.g. demanding BBQs on bank holiday Monday’s then clearing off to watch football while everybody stays behind).

Jill wants jack to learn the consequences of his actions.

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 15/12/2018 01:14

Well have you talked to Jack about it, Jill?

Unicornandbows · 15/12/2018 01:17

Jack made his haystack bed let him lay there on his own Jill

Original poster
thisismeusernameything · 15/12/2018 01:20

Yes user I spoke to him before he tried to make me look a twat by bringing it up at committee level. I don’t think he expected me to turn around and say have it your way however. He’s now pissed off that he will probably have to work the third event alone

OP posts:
TedAndLola · 15/12/2018 01:24

Does the charity provide help for people who talk about themselves in the third person?

Original poster
thisismeusernameything · 15/12/2018 01:26

Just to add jill is young (ish) works 7 days a week at her own business, runs most of the admin for the charity, takes care of an aging neighbour (because her daughter doesn’t give a shit. Again another thread) has two children to look after and a chronic illness of her own to manage.

Jack is retired, still very fit and healthy and has a lot of time on his hands ( own admission not my observation).

OP posts:
Original poster
thisismeusernameything · 15/12/2018 01:28

No I was trying to get a balanced view without giving away who I was Jack or Jill but gave up half way through my OP as I’m just so tired and pissed off with the whole situation.

OP posts:
Billben · 15/12/2018 01:39

I’m a firm believer in letting people learn from their own mistakes if they are not smart enough to listen to sound advice.

JustABetterPlayer · 15/12/2018 01:46

But did they go tumbling down, that’s the real question?!

knittedjest · 15/12/2018 02:26

Jill is an idiot and doesn't have the foresight to see that if things fall apart, as she is the one who planned everything she is the one who will get the most fallout and Jack will skip off into the distance singing about why the only reason it didn't work out is because Jill never bothered to turn up.

knittedjest · 15/12/2018 02:31

And if it goes well Jill looks bad because it will look like Jill wanted both events on the same weekend because Jill had other plans the following week.

Weezol · 15/12/2018 02:50

Given the amount Jill is doing elsewhere, Jill should resign from the committee and organisation and look after her physical and mental health by carving out some downtime for herself.

As Maya Angelou said: "Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option."

itswinetime · 15/12/2018 03:03

You're right! Jack made a stand and changed the plans you don't have to bow down to him now and change things when you already had it sorted. He raised it at a committee meeting (so I'm assuming some kind of minutes including his concerns and the subsequent change exists). If/when it all goes wrong It can be referred back to who changed things! Step back and leave him to it!

trojanpony · 15/12/2018 07:51

YANBU

Leave knobhead jack to it and do not engage
#teamjill

Chloe84 · 15/12/2018 07:58

YANBU. Can you leave the charity? Concentrate on your business.

AutumnCrow · 15/12/2018 08:04

OP, I would step down. And make the rest of them step up.

NationalShiteDay · 15/12/2018 08:06

I don't think YABU but it does sound like you're martyring yourself.

How are you managin to take care of yourself, two young children and your business whilst running around for neighbour (admirable but ultimately not your responsibility), the charity, and jack?

One of those three, great.
All three? Not so great.

Iloveacurry · 15/12/2018 08:13

Jack’s a knob. The hirer was happy with the smaller room so there wasn’t an issue.

Jack has now made it a problem by needing staff for the third weekend, so I don’t blame Jill by saying she’s unavailable. Jack needs to sort.

Windgate · 15/12/2018 08:13

Jill needs to stop being a martyr and rescuer. Stop enabling Jack's behaviour. Resign from the committee with immediate effect, work on your own boundaries and wellbeing.
If the elderly neighbour isn't coping and their family are uninterested then speak to Adult Services and help your neighbour get the support they need.
In short let Jack fall down, just don't tumble after him.

ushuaiamonamour · 15/12/2018 08:18

Fair play to you for the work you're doing especially as it sounds as if you're surrounded by slackers; it can be thankless work at the best of times. Stand your ground. If you're feeling especially generous when the 3rd weekend rolls around, drop a parcel with a few jars of vinegar and a couple reams of brown paper on Jack's doorstep

mummmy2017 · 15/12/2018 08:18

Confront Jack at committee everytime.
Jack you raised this, can you confirm for the meeting that you will personally take charge of x...
OK here are the details...
Can we please note Jack wishes to be in charge.
Jack BBQ... Will you confirm you will be clean up crew for this event...

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 15/12/2018 08:38

Jack is a dick.

Honestly Jill, I think it's time you stepped down from the charity. For several reasons:

  1. you're overstretched - cutting out one big time drain will help you

  2. you and Jack are apparently involved in a power-play for dominance of the group. That's exhausting

  3. power plays won't help the charity achieve its aim. One of you should step down.

  4. one of you has lots of other interests; one has only this. The one with only this should stay.

Chalk this up to a conflict of personalities and move on.

category12 · 15/12/2018 08:42

Have to agree with Thinkofawittynamelater. ^

onalongsabbatical · 15/12/2018 08:54

Why doesn't Jill resign, does she need this shit in her life for some masochistic reason?
Come on Jill, resign, home, feet up Gin laugh. Honestly you won't regret it!

Ohyesiam · 15/12/2018 09:00

Jill, I think leaving jack to sort it is a great idea, and exactly what he needs.
You sound over stretched though, would you consider stepping down.

WhatsUpHun · 15/12/2018 09:03

Jill needs to stop being a martyr and rescuer. Stop enabling Jack's behaviour. Resign from the committee with immediate effect, work on your own boundaries and wellbeing.

This

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