Taking responsibility when you demand your own way. WIBU

[thisismeusernameything]

Jack and Jill are both members of a committee at a small local chairty. Jack and Jill both work very hard for the charity where as the rest of the committee do very little. That’s a whole other thread however.

Jill books all the events and has booked two events for the same evening. The building has two function rooms so this isnt an issue for Jill. Jack disagrees and thinks the smaller function room is too small. Jill reassured jack that she had spoken to the hirer and that everything was ok.

Jack then brings the event up at committee level to in some way over rule Jill. Jill has said have it your way.

Jill has moved a very miffed hirer to the following week and has messaged jack to let him know that she’s done this.

There is also a previous engagement in the diary. The reality is there will be three Saturdays in a row where volunteers are needed now that jack has his own way. Had things been done Jill’s way there would have only been the need for two Saturdays so effectively one each.

Jill has informed Jack that she won’t be available for the third week and that she hopes our paid staff will be available as this wasn’t a planned event.

Jack can’t see why Jill is pissed off and refusing to help. Is Jill BU?

Jill is aware that she is being petty but Jack pulls this shit all the time (e.g. demanding BBQs on bank holiday Monday’s then clearing off to watch football while everybody stays behind).

Jill wants jack to learn the consequences of his actions.

Maybe Jack was right and Jill needs to accept that if the rest of the committee backed him up, Jill might indeed have been in the wrong and suck it up rather than having bad attitude for not getting her own way.

Agreed, step back, give the bookers Jack's phone and email contact details and let them sort it out. Stop spinning all the plates all on your own.

Still to your guns - if you cant do it you cant do it

swingofthings she didn't say the rest of the committee backed him up, she said when he brought it up top the committee she backed down, which he hadn't expected. So the committee presumably did not need to vote.

I would hope that at the Committee meeting Jill explained the implications of moving the event - volunteers not available, a question over paid staff being available, etc. And that she didn't actually say "have it your own way" like a petulant primary school child.

Dumping a colleague in the shit isn't an effective solution - it won't make him reflect on the inadequacy of his decision, merely on the inadequacy of those he works with.

Well, you need to clarify consequences with him at the time of discussion. "Fine, if you do it your way, it will change xyz. Are you prepared for that?" etc. Get clarification at the time. If he can't, it doesn't get changed. Speak to him like a child. "YOu can have your BBQ - you need to be there for it and not leave to watch football. WIll you remain for the entire event? No? Then no event". Etc.

If changing the date was raised at the committee meeting, surely all the stuff about needing paid helpers, etc, should also have been raised at the meeting? It is a tad childish to back down without complaint in public, then say you won't help in private. It would have been better to set out why it had been organised as was at the committee meeting and what the implications of changing it would be. Otherwise, what is the point of having committee meetings? Why punish Jack when he is one of only 2 people who are not a waste of space? Tbh, the whole set up seems a bit martyrish - not even bothering to communicate properly with the committee any more because you assume they are all useless, lazy, pointless shirkers. With this level of resentment built up, tbh, I would be stepping down from the charity altogether, as you seem to have concluded that fixing its systemic problems is an impossibility and have resorted to punishing the only other useful member.

Jack is quite clearly a bit of a twat and has behaved badly here to get his own way/prove a point. He should deal with the consequences and sort out the staffing for the issue he's created.

Jill has way too much on her plate and in her position I would have a long think about whether allocating so much time to this charity is the best thing for me/my family. I'd consider stepping away and giving myself a breather. There are many other causes Jill could get involved in that are less draining and with less toxic environments, after having taken a break.

Jack can be left to fill his boots (whilst being careful of his crown, obvs).

And Jill needs to take a couple of giant steps down the hill to where it's safest.

Why bother trying to change Jack?

Just step back, leave them to it, you're talking about his behaviour like it's someone you're married to (and not s happy marriage)

Stop enabling him, either resign or cut back a lot

Protect yourself and your limited energy for things you want to do and get valued/support doing.

Btw the comments about elderly neighbor DD not on - I have a toxic, emotionally abusive person on DH side who always came across as sweetness and light when I met her , I always wondered why her three DD didn't visit, ten years later and some of the shit she's pulled over the years - I now wonder why the other two DD didn't move further away tbh! You do not know family dynamics or history, so butt out and stop expecting everyone else to martyr themselves like you seem to.

Well, you need to clarify consequences with him at the time of discussion. "Fine, if you do it your way, it will change xyz. Are you prepared for that?" etc. Get clarification at the time. If he can't, it doesn't get changed. Speak to him like a child. "YOu can have your BBQ - you need to be there for it and not leave to watch football. WIll you remain for the entire event? No? Then no event". Etc.

No she does not.

Unless she is Jack's mummy.

Jack can surely work out the consequences all by himself?

Do you want to keep working with a charity?I run a charity and absolutely love it. We've had many personality clashes and different ways of doing things over the years. I always find it useful to try and reflect about being the other person. Imagine they had written this aibu. If they truly believed it would have been two squashed with the two groups then you would have been the one being unreasonable and then have be having a squinny refusing to deal with your own mess up of over booking. once you've had a chance to think about it from a view point try and consider if you're both being a bit unreasonable and think of a way you could work together to resolve it

YWNBU but you do need to make it VERY clear that this is his responsibility now, to everyone involved. Anyone who phones up to discuss the moved event, refer them back to Jack. Ditto any BH monday barbecues in the future - refer them back to Jack.

While anyone picks up the slack for his poor decisions, he will continue - as soon as the full weight of responsibility lands squarely on his shoulders, he might think twice about fucking things over again!

@TedAndLola you win my award for the funniest comment of the year “Does the charity provide help for people who talk about themselves in the third person?”. 😂😂😂😂

No actual award - but feel free to tell anyone you won an award.

sackrifice - there is a whole committee responsible for this charity. It has bugger all to do with mothering Jack. The committee should be more involved and aware of what is going on, including the implications of decisions made on their behalf by other committee members.

you get lots of jack's on committees. that's why i don't sit on one any more. And jack always thinks he is right, no matter how stupid his suggestion and everyone else will look the other way because they don't want any confrontation

Jack can sort out weekend 3 or not as he pleases. Jill could consider integrating her charitable work into her business and thus contributing on her own terms. Marie Forleo (on YouTube?) is very good on this. 💐

The rest of the committee should stop being crap and Jack, as an active member, should be entitled to his opinions. Jill seems too content to cut the committee out of everything.

Jack is an arrogant misogynist all too typical of men his age.
It's very hard to step away from any voluntary organisation you've invested time in but I think you need to resign asap leaving Jack and his cronies to it.

Jill needs to stop being a martyr and rescuer. Stop enabling Jack's behaviour. Resign from the committee with immediate effect, work on your own boundaries and wellbeing.
If the elderly neighbour isn't coping and their family are uninterested then speak to Adult Services and help your neighbour get the support they need.
In short let Jack fall down, just don't tumble after him

^This.

I think you need to send the committee an email simply saying that you’ve decided to step down from your current role from 31st December.

Things aren’t going to change with Jack.

Jill has moved a very miffed hirer to the following week and has messaged Jack to let him know that she’s done this.
This was where you went wrong. You should have let Jack contact the hirer and make all subsequent rearrangements. Don't do his dirty work for him. If Jack makes demands (eg Bank Hol BBQ) then let Jack organise. Don't let Jack call the shots unless he takes responsibility for the project.