Friend ‘harming’ herself

[INeedToKnowAbout]

I noticed today her arm is covered in scratches. She said she got them from a bush when walking the dogs earlier. They’re not that sort of scratch. All the same and the same direction - wrist to elbow. It doesn’t sit well with me and I’m worried.

I know she’s under a lot of stress at the minute so maybe its her way of releasing her stress/anger, but she was really coy and covered up when I asked her about them.

I don’t really have an aibu but should I talk to her or will she close down on me?

What would you do?

I’m not sure there is much you can do apart from keep being a good friend, be watchful for anything and just be as supportive as you can be but not bombard her that she avoids you. But be ready to suggest outside help if it feels appropriate.

I still self harm sometimes nowadays because it’s the least destructive thing I can do when I’m on a downward spiral (although that sounds terrible). I can’t speak for everyone but I’d be so uncomfortable talking about it. I can’t speak for everyone in that situation though. It’s difficult.

If I were you I wouldn't confront her directly about it. Just be a good friend, maybe send her a message saying you know she's having a tough time and you're here for her if she wants to talk about anything.

Be a good friend and keep an eye on her in case she gets worse.

Self-harming behaviour in itself is only a symptom, so I don't think you really have to discuss it, unless she does it in a dangerous way, but it doesn't seem like that.

This happened to me with a friend - I asked her about the scratches and she brushed me off. I knew they were self harm but I chose not to push her about them; I made sure I was consistent and supportive with greater care though, checked in more frequently etc.

I probably wouldn't mention it unless they looked infected or not properly treated, in which case I'd probably want to discuss harm reduction tips.

I have friends who self harm. It's a coping strategy. It works. Just be generally supportive and otherwise normal.

It’s tricky because everyone is different. I used to self harm as a teenager and I remember once my dad saw the cuts on my arm. He asked me about them but I gave an evasive answer and he never mentioned it again. That upset me because it felt like he didn’t care. Same with friends who let me brush it off- I wanted them to push me. One friend did grill me a bit and she became a lifeline because I could talk to her about it.

I like the idea of a PP: mention you’re there for her if she wants to talk about anything. That way she has the choice to open up if she wants. Although even that can be difficult without someone prodding you a bit.

You sound like a very good friend OP. I’m sure whatever you say to her, she’ll appreciate that you’ve noticed and care for her.

Thanks everyone. Im going to see how she is Monday and decide if I should talk to her then.

Self harm is about controlling strong emotions that are threatening to overwhelm. So you need to be very careful about how /if you approach the issue because it's her coping mechanism.

I spoke to her earlier this week about what’s happening in her life and she kept saying she couldn’t cope, she didn’t want to be here anymore. I’m worried now. I just assumed she meant couldn’t cope with being stuck at home. What should I do??

I don't know why noone else has replied, but suicide is one thing you should ask her directly about.

This is a situation I've been in myself, several times. I usually follow a process of working from the very unspecific, down to very specific questions, to ease people into talking about what they may never have articulated to anyone else.

I might say to her, that I'd been thinking about the conversation we'd had, and I thought I might have misinterpreted what she said. And then I'd ask her directly, whether when she'd said she didn't want to be here, did she mean her house, a particular place, or in general.

If she says some particular place, that's your cue to act enlightened, and ask if you can help that happen in some way - you would have offered earlier if you'd not been so dim.

If she says "in general", then ask her directly if she means she wants to die?

Then you can ask if she just generally wants to die, or if she's thought about actually killing herself?

Has she thought about how to do it?

Does she have a plan? You don't need to know what it is.

Does she have a date or time?

Is that date or time soon, or far away?

The further you get down this line of questioning, the more worried you should be. Just generically "not wanting to be here" is really quite normal (at least in my social circles - I'm autistic, and so are my friends, so generally other people would really we weren't here as well ), thinking seriously about ways and means to make sure you aren't is not.

If she has a plan, and/or time, tell her that you don't mind talking about it, that you're genuinely interested. Tell her that it's common, but that it's usually a sign of illness, like a high temperature.

Ask if she's in contact with any professionals about it. Who are they? Possibilities range from GP, counsellor, to CMHT and crisis team. Don't expect them to be very helpful, mental health budgets are minimal.

If not, ask if she'd like help getting in touch with some. Offer it. Go with her if she'd like. Disregard what I said above - some professionals are absolute stars, and she might be lucky.

Ask her to let you know if her plans change. If you're happy to be rung up at 3am just to listen to someone cry down the phone at you, let her know.

Make plans with her to do things, if she's up for them.

Above all, don't promise things you can't deliver on

I've self harmed for the past 6 years, ended up In hospital in September because of it and sometimes it is almost a cry for help, for someone to notice and ask how you are and if you're okay.
Sometimes it is just a release of something.. I can't explain what it is. I just, do it.
Even though when I was asked about the marks on my arms I would still lie to my mum and tell her I was playing with my friends dog.

Do speak to your friend and make sure they're okay.

@Chouetted

Thanks for all that info it’s really useful. I’d hate to think I missed her asking for help when she said it to me so I’m going to take your approach and see what she says.

She could've covered the marks presumably, by wearing something with long sleeves, so do you think that either consciously or sub-consciously she wanted you to see them?

Also, OP, you may already be aware, but if someone's mood has been very low, even suicidal, for some time and it suddenly improves, that can be the sign that suicide is imminent. It's the knowledge that the pain will soon be over that causes it.

You're right to be concerned but it's important to try & keep that concern under control.

I also think it's important to not scare your friend by letting her see how worried you are. I'd take it very slowly & keep reassuring her you're there for her.

Let her talk in her own time & just be who you've always been with her. She has a lovely friend who I don't doubt she appreciates much more than you realise OP.

She was wearing a long sleeved top but I noticed when she went to lift something down as the sleeve slipped down.

Self harm is about controlling strong emotions that are threatening to overwhelm. So you need to be very careful about how /if you approach the issue because it's her coping mechanism
Absolutely this. Take it very slowly.

Thanks everyone. I don’t want to pry but I am worried.

Some people do drugs, others alcohol, others as your friend is.

The physical pain she feels, is actually less than the emotional pain she struggles with, almost satisfying.

Try to remember, you can't fix this for her. You can support her but you need to remember when you need to step back because you're important in this scenario too.

@Shepherdspieisminging Yes, an important addendum - I thought about putting that in my post but thought it was sufficiently implied, and didn't want to accidentally introduce the fallacy into the OP's head where it didn't previously exist.

I would though challenge the theory that people who self harm and don't cover it up want people to see it. You simply can't draw that conclusion. They may well just not want to wear long sleeves. I don't think I've known a single self-harmer who wasn't utterly sick of them.

Apologies, I've just read a post above & have to say I disagree with asking your friend directly about suicide unless you're trained to fully support her should she say she has.

When someone is distressed, they adopt coping strategies which help them feel safe & in control. If you push to hard & they disclose more than they're ready for, emotionally, you run the risk of leaving the person very vulnerable because you go home at some point. The person stays where they are feeling utterly overwhelmed & without support.

@flowerpot2005 Sadly there is no training (well, some "first aid" courses, but that's not much), and the professionals go home at five.

I've had variations of this conversation three times so far. One of them had a viable plan and a very soon time, two of them didn't. All three are still alive. I'd feel horrendously guilty if I'd avoided talking about it because I wasn't trained, and that one person had gone ahead with it.

But, I do agree about not leaving them vulnerable, which is why I said not to offer any support you can't deliver on.