Friend ‘harming’ herself

[INeedToKnowAbout]

I noticed today her arm is covered in scratches. She said she got them from a bush when walking the dogs earlier. They’re not that sort of scratch. All the same and the same direction - wrist to elbow. It doesn’t sit well with me and I’m worried.

I know she’s under a lot of stress at the minute so maybe its her way of releasing her stress/anger, but she was really coy and covered up when I asked her about them.

I don’t really have an aibu but should I talk to her or will she close down on me?

What would you do?

Oddly, I've never had it anywhere other than at my house, so I find the idea of me being the person "going home" breaks my brain a little. One person was there in the flesh, the one with a plan had sent me a text message (I rang her and we talked for hours) , the other had left me what read like a suicide note on instant messaging, but turned out not to be.

The people who were trained weren't there for anyone, are you seriously suggesting they would all have been better off if I'd ignored them and / or kicked them out?

In my mind, people who self harm are usually very aware of their wounds and don't usually forget to cover them up. Sometimes they want someone to offer support even if it's as vague as do you want a cup of tea and a chat, how is work etc and revealing sounds can be a way of doing that. You can give a window to allow them the opportunity to talk if they want to, without being really direct and fearing causing upset.

Equally, self harm is a coping strategy. As wrong as it sounds, it shows some willing to want to carry on and battle through.

I would say her not wanting to be here means not wanting to be on earth any more. As in wanting to end it. I would be seriously concerned about her.

I agree with asking if she has a plan. If she has thought of ways to do it. She is crying for help.

It sounds like you truly care for her. Help her get the help she needs. Wether it be getting her to the hospital if she is in dire straights and has a plan in place to commit suicide or just someone to call. Have the suicide hotline number for your area on hand as well as other resources she can contact.

You don’t have to be an expert to help someone. Just someone who cares and is willing to be there for them. Just don’t leave them stranded. Ensure they are safe.

@Chouetted think you're seriously overthinking my comments. Bar the line of I disagree re asking about suicide, the rest of my post isn't in response to yours, it's to the OP.

@flowerpot 2005 Ah, sorry about that - that wasn't clear. I figured that since the first line seemed to be aimed at me, all of it was

I'm still curious about where the training is though, cos I'd actually quite like to get some, in case it happens a fourth time (which sadly, it probably will). All I've found is mental health first aid courses, and adapting one of those is somewhere on my to do list for an organisation I'm involved in (in cooperation with a professional, yes).

You can get trained in counselling, you can get trained in mental health nursing (both of which I'm unfit for, being autistic), but I've yet to find a course aimed at nonprofessionals who live with and around actively suicidal people.

@CanuckBC

I would never leave her stranded, and in reply to a comment above, absolutely I would be there at 3am to listen to her cry.

Chauetted

Honestly, nothing was aimed at you. I simply said I disagreed with the statement.

As for training, we have suicide training (NHS) which covers self harm. I'm honestly not sure where you could access some independently. That said, have you thought of approaching the Samaritans, think you'd be really good at that & of course, you'd get a lot of training in this area.

@Flowerpot2005 @Chouetted I second the Samaritans, it sounds like you'd be amazing at this, I have a close friend who volunteers for them and you have to follow a very careful line of questioning. The work is relentless and I am certainly not strong enough to do it, I wish I was. I feel not enough people know about Samaritans when they are in need though.

@INeedToKnowAbout I agree with PP and @Chouetted definitely make your friend aware that you know she is struggling and you're always here if she needs to talk, maybe don't reference the self harming but say it's been playing on your mind that she said she doesn't want to be here any more and maybe go down that line, but gently and just say you're always here when she needs to get away. It's a very scary thing to be going through for you both, but please remember that you aren't in control of your friend and her actions and with the best will in the world you cannot fix her problems, all you can do is be there for her. A close friend of mine has severe mental health issues and has left me what I thought was a note before, I spoke to a counsellor about it because it was taking over my life, I was consumed with guilt and felt I had to do more, the counsellor did say to me that I am in no means in control over my friend or their actions xx

I don't know why part of my post was in bold there!! I don't even know how to make things bold!

@ohchristmastreeoh

I sent her a message today, told her I love her and I’d see her tomorrow. She sent one of those kissy emoji thingys back.

@INeedToKnowAbout that text would have meant a lot to her :-)