to feel my husband is on a fast downward spiral?

[Yolo89]

I woke up at 3am last night and couldn't see my husband in bed. He had been out but I hope he was home by now..I walk into the kitchen to find him asleep on the floor next to the oven l. His response was ai was so tired. My response is he was too drunk. Tonight he g it home..Ge is looking for a job so is out a lot on the phone talking to recruiters etc. Tonight he got home and even though I'd told him.Inwas feeling very anxious (a problem for me) he took.ahes to come home. Then I clicked from.his s0eech he had been drinking
.Syre enough he had. When I had a go at me he sighs at me like im a nag, as he is so drunk he can't respond rationally. Cue an awful fight which had me bawling as my anxiety is through the roof . I told him.I was fast losing respect for him and he says oh great and buffs a d puffs agsin. What dies he honestly want me to think??? He is going through depression and is on meds but is self medicating with alcohol. He had gone from.suoer fit to having a large belly and blames it on.his lack of time to Exercise . Ah it is more to do with all the beet and pizza at 3am. I find it utterly ridiculoys..ai have empathy for depression but not for someone tyat won't help themself. This is not the first Friday this gas happened. It turns into a hellish experience and I am not sure I want to be dragged down so much as I am.already in a bad way myself due to other factors. He hides alcohol and empty beer bottles etc. What should I do?.ive told him to seek help . It is impacting the family and I am.scared it will fracture the family. what do I do? Help

sorry so many typos

There’s a lot going on here. Is he alcohol dependent? Do you have children? Are you getting help for your anxiety?

purple- thanks. I don't think he is alcohol dependent but I feel he is self medicating a lot as he is depressed and out of work (though about to get a job just waiting to hear) I have peri menopause issues involving anxiety, low moods and anger and speak to my GP about every 3 weeks as it is quite severe and I am.on.medication to help - so yes I try and help myself a lot which is why I find this so frustrating. It is really dragging me die. He is angry with himself he said tonight bit he won't do anything.

Yes we have two DC

I think your mh issues would miraculously improve, were you to spilt from your h. His behaviour is exacerbating your anxiety.

My issues are solely to do with peti menopause - I don't have mental health issues they are not..But you are correct - he is definitely making it worse. Tonight I was sobbing with his behaviour towards me and telling me it s always about me as my menopause symptoms are severe, even though he has depression and I don't take this into consideration.apparently. I am.often sobbing with my low mood symptoms which seems more severe than his symptoms. But I try and help myself and he does not which is hard to take.

He is showing typical signs of depression, often it is very easy to drink to excess as a way to stop thinking. He will want to avoid any confrontation which is why he tries to hide the evidence of his drinking. You can't force him to talk or seek treatment the only real options are to walk away or to give him support.

Single I don't wantbto walk away as we are actually ok underneath it all..I try and support the depression.but I can't support his drinking and when he will not help himself. I don't have the strength with everything going on and looking after kids. He was useless tonight with them.and they wwnt to bed late . How do you support that? He also dies not open up much which is tricky

No point talking to him after he has been drinking. Wait till he's sober and have a serious talk. You may find al anon helpful. Sorry op it's a tough situation, he needs to sort himself out or you may have to bail out. Good luck

Missing - thank you. Yes I agree I should not have engaged with hom.but I was so angry and it affected our mightband his ability to look.after children etc so I could not help it. I have just lost all respect for him. I don't want to walk.away at all I am far from it but I need it to improve a lot. We just have a diabolical combination between us.

Yolo, my mum was an alcoholic, and my ex was a heavy alcohol abuser and cannabis user. From my own experiences, with them and from seeing it in other people along the way - you CANNOT help someone who doesn't want to help themselves, or who won't recognise they have a condition/illness/dependency. It's often hard to tell what started first, the depression or the dependency, but nevertheless, until they decide they have a problem and decide they're going to do something about it, it will only continue to destroy them, and damage everyone around them.
From your post, I've picked up on - 1) he has depression, is medicated and is making things worse by drinking on top of it. 2) He's said he won't do anything. 3) He's not communicating openly with you, hiding booze bottles, 4) he's been dismissive of your own issues, and places his problems above yours, or at least sees them as more important than yours, and most importantly 5) it's affecting his parenting. He's been dismissive of your issues. You have two decisions. 1) Put up with it - if he has no intention of addressing the issues. 2) Split up. Unfortunately it really is that simple. Aside from anything else - is this the family home environment you want for the DCs? It's rough - I really feel for you, because I've been there (in fact, I thought you might be my ex's current partner, but he doesn't have more dcs - as far as I'm aware.) It's very easy for everyone to say LTB, but of course, much harder to do in rl. I think you need to take an immediate look at your financial situation, and see how you can make things work for you and the DCs without him. It's very sad that he's lost his job, and understandable that it would cause depression, but alcohol IS a depressant, so he's making things much worse for himself. I hope you can find the right way forward for you and the DCs quickly, and try to resolve this somehow without too much heartache.

I think your mh issues would miraculously improve, were you to spilt from your h. His behaviour is exacerbating your anxiety

Sorry, but I agree with this. I had a 'DH' with similar issues, I developed crippling anxiety and panic attacks despite previously being a very laid back person before I met him. I also put it down to hormones (PMT). It wasn't, it was HIM, and the truth is you have no idea whether it is solely down to peri-menopause or an outlet linked to all the toxic behaviour you are being exposed to.

I don't want to walk.away at all I am far from it but I need it to improve a lot. We just have a diabolical combination between us.

No one wants to walk away from it, but there are times you HAVE to, to save your DC's from any more damage if not just yourself. This sounds like one of those times. You want it to improve, but all the time you are there enabling him and trying to 'fix' things it is not going to get better. It will just get much, much worse. And you will end up ill as well. Your DC's need one of their parents at least to be the strong one and get them away from such a toxic, damaging environment. It isn't easy, but it is doable. You really do need to walk away.

Thank you for your thoughts dangly. I really appreciate them.and sorry you have been through similar. I think you are fairly accurate on most things though he dies understand where im.comibg from.and try to help but he does say it is always about me. Bit this i feel is because my symptoms are very much more severe daily in terms if being teary and sobbing and very anxious and very angry. His depression.I guess is a but more silent perhaps though it affects him. So I guess my symptoms are mote immediate which is why it maybe see.s like it all about me but it is not . He doesn't talk.about anything and duesnt talk to mates . He is going to see someone next week i.should gave mentioned but he needs to do a lot more and see someone every week..this is through the NHS so not sure how many times he will go. He dies cut mevslacknwhen im.havinf a down day but he says it is all about me. How do I guess when he is down ?.hevtbinks I should just see the signs. I have no sympathy for the alcohol at all. No sympathy. Hecsays he will stop
Tonight he made my anxiety and anger very high and the poor children saw us fight..athis us awful for them. What do I do in.the morning? He always apologies but then it happens again

prick thank you for your thoughts. My anxiety is definitely related to hormones . It is of course not helpeeceith this behaviour but the anxiety is most definitely peri menopsuse.

There is a lot tyat we have goibg fur us but I feel very dragged down at the moment. so feel he had no friends to talk to. so just don't knkwcwhat to say or do but I can't do it for him.

Depression is the hardest thing to deal with you want help but cant accept it, you want people to be there but push everyone away. For your sake if you cant deal with it you really need to walk away. It may.be the best thing you can do! Depression is a lifelong illness with no real treatment. Exercise and healthy diet might help also music among other things

I am.often sobbing with my low mood symptoms

And I'm sorry, but you DO have MH issues - what you are describing there is depression. But it sounds like that is not allowed, as the only one allowed to have any sort of illness or problem is HIM. In fact, it's all about him isn't it? I would be, and was, depressed and anxious in your situation too.

As a PP said, you can't help someone who won't help themselves, and you need to save yourself and your children, only he can save himself.

I put up with my drinking, abusive ex "D"H for far longer that I should have because his doctor diagnosed 'depression', and I thought it was my duty to try and help him. Guess which one of us it was who ended up with PTSD, suicidal and close to being sectioned though? Who once locked all the windows then drove miles to throw it in the sea in case I decided to try and jump out one of the windows once the DC's were asleep (first time I've ever written or thought about that with no shame attached actually...)

Please look out for yourself, don't let it get to the stage I ended up at. You may think it's hard to walk away, but it's a lot easier than recovering from that sort of state. He is making you ill, and you need to get away, you can't help him, only yourself . You need to stop making excuses for him and start getting bloody angry, once that happens you're on your way to finding the strength to get yourself away from him and such a toxic, horrible way of living. You and your children deserve to live in peace, not with all the shit and grief he is causing.

but he does say it is always about me

I'm sure he does. Look up projection, as what you say there is a perfect example of it.

I also think there is a lot you are not telling us about his behaviour, and that what you are describing is just the tip of the iceberg. Please at least consider a way to get away from him. I think it is very telling that more than one survivor of an abusive relationship have related so well to the situation you describe on here.

If he is willing aa may help him. He needs to know what is on the line and decide, be clear but you can't do it for him. Depression is not an excuse and drinking is not a help. Good luck, hope he sees sense, but get help for yourself too.

Someone has a alcohol problem when their use of alcohol is causing problems in their life and others life. Your dh has an alcohol problem. Sleeping on the floor is not normal. Its serious dysfunction and so bad for your dc as well as you.
It doesn't matter why you have anxiety. You have it now and need to be in a less stressful situation in order to get some ease. Would you have counselling yourself?
If you are determined to stay with your dh could you detach a little bit. If he is drunk on the floor leave him there. Leave him take the full hit from any consequences. Don't prop him up in any way. Don't bother asking him to get help. Just focus on your own life and your dc and step back in a big way.
But eventually you have a decision to make.

Prick very sorry to hear about your situation as it sounds very tough. Im.so sorry that would make me feel like you too.

My low moods are caused by a drop in oestrogen therefore drop in serotonin. But I am not depressed as I am not crying about anything.It is caused purely by the hormones. Im. happy, but the crashes cause low moods. Make sense?

I have felt depression.after a break up and this is not depression.

I would have all these symptoms regardless due to peri menopause but my husband is taking it to another level.

He has woken this morning full of apology. He is seeing a psychologist this week bit I just don't know what else to do- he needs lots of help and not sure the NHS will be enough.

I don't know how to treat him - a sorry don't cut it. How do I behave?

I don't want to berate him.every second but I don't want him to think it is forgotten

june- yes I would go to counselling. We are sort if getting help through a psychologist at the moment about something else unrelated wont go into.

I wouldn't bother trying to help such only for the children as I don't want them to have to put up with this - ie can't put them.to bed as too drunk. he says he will stop amd is seeing someone thus week so we shall see.

he does not do this all the time but recently alcohol has been a medication.for depression.amd it is dragging us all down. i wpuld never go to alcohol for this issue so.i just don't get it

Were you quite drunk when you made that post?

I DON'T drink I was seething with anger. I know lots of typos!

Yes. Lots, and much more coherent posts since.

I would say there's possibly a lot more to this.

I would say there's possibly a lot more to this

I'd agree with that. OP, a PP actually has it right when they said that actually, it doesn't really matter what is causing your anxiety/ low mood or whatever you want to cause it. The fact is, you have those symptoms, and by your own admission, they are being exacerbated by your DH's behaviour.

You say you want to help your DC's but there is only one way you can do this, and that is get them away from the toxic environment they are currently having to live in. You can't change or help him, only he can do that. If I were you, I'd definitely look into counselling for just yourself. You need to start taking the focus off him, and start looking at yourself to try and find out why you feel like it is your job to help or save him, because it isn't your job, and it is also completely futile and a waste of your energy, energy and emotional reserves that you simply do not have to give.