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Original poster

I’m at the end of my tether with bedtime

50 replies

DoneWithToday · 14/12/2018 19:22

I know I am massively UR.

LP to a 3 year old DD who has a diagnosis with Developmental Delay of no known cause. They don’t think she’s autistic although I think she probably is.

She has extreme tantrums. She’s not violent, but once she’s in one there’s no calming her at all. She can go for an hour or longer, screaming and crying.

Tonights is because she was brushing her teeth and kept deliberately spitting at me, so I warned her then when she did it again she ended up in timeout. Only she won’t sit in timeout, she comes off and runs around laughing. I ignore her but she doesn’t care. So I resorted to putting her in her room behind a babygate, I thought with her being on the smaller side she’d not work out how to get out of her room but she does, and then just sits in the hall crying. One gate on top of the other didn’t work as she just climbed up the higher one and got out. She’s also worked out the mechanism on both gates, and the one on the kitchen (all different brands) so has basic free rein of the house which I can’t do.

I am done. Bedtime is hell, we’re never in bed before midnight. She is tired, I know she is, but she’ll scream and cry until she wears herself out. I do bath, teeth, story, medicine (asthmatic), lights out for 7pm but as soon as I leave she screams and cries. If I leave the light on it makes no difference. If I sit with her until she falls asleep she bites, kicks and pulls my hair.

Earlier bedtime makes no difference and if I put her down later then she stays up until the early hours. I need her to be up at 6.45am on 3 days a week, and 7.45am the other days apart from Sunday but I just get the same in reverse for getting her up, she screams and cries. She won’t sleep anywhere but her bed so it doesn’t help. And she sometimes bites me to go back to bed. I have been late for work 3 times this week already.

I am done. No-one cares. My neighbours have complained to my Social Worker at my insistence, and she just shrugs and says it’s life with SN children. No-one cares because at Nursery she’s behind but happy and content. I’ve been told not to film her because it’s a violation of her privacy, I don’t intend to put it on SM I just want to show people what she’s like but I’m not allowed to.

I have no help at all. She’s not allowed to see her dad for more than 2 hours a week (court ordered) and if she stays with anyone other me she doesn’t sleep for weeks.

I am done. I just want to sleep for more than a few hours a night. Nothing is working. The current tantrum has been ongoing 40 minutes now…I know she’s tired, her speech isn’t making sense, she’s rubbing her eyes, and she’s yawning occasionally. If I go near here she stands up and hits me or bites me, she’s already headbutted a wall. If I pick her up and put her in bed/her room she comes out either by climbing or opening the gates.

This is a rant. I have nowhere else to go. I am done.

I love her more than anything, but I can’t cope.

OP posts:
MissionItsPossible · 14/12/2018 19:27

I’m not a parent so I’m sure other people have better advice and this might be wrong, but could you film her outbursts and then make a fresh case with a new social worker and show the footage? NOT to put on social media, but just so you have filmed evidence?

Do you have family? Does she act up for them? Do you have any reasoning why she behaves in nursery? Has she ever hit or kicked or hurt other children or adults at her nursery?

cestlavielife · 14/12/2018 19:28

You need a ss assessment for you and her under children with disabilities team.
You need behavioural support.
You need to tell ss you can no longer cope and need over night respite and mean it. There are experienced foster carers who can do shared care.. Ask to go on list for family link or equivalent.

Original poster
DoneWithToday · 14/12/2018 19:29

Do you have family? Does she act up for them?
My mum and brother help out. She's generally good for my brother but can be a bit cheeky and bossy with my mum, never anything as bad as this though

Do you have any reasoning why she behaves in nursery? Has she ever hit or kicked or hurt other children or adults at her nursery?
No idea why she behaves at Nursery, she's never had the behaviour policy used on her and she's never lashed out at anyone at Nursery.

OP posts:
Iamtheoneandonly2018 · 14/12/2018 19:31

My DS was like this - it's REALLY REALLY hard to do this but when he started s meltdown / tantrum I used to hug him. Rinse and repeat. It's v hard to do this when you're angry yourself but I found it was the only thing that worked

cestlavielife · 14/12/2018 19:32

Get her assessed for asd it might open more doors.
Don't time out for spitting just ignore it. That s not a battle to focus on.
Headbuttong etc is communication...
Ask for support with communication strategies.do you use visual schedules ?
Try dosing with Calpol and anti reflux in case it s pain.
Ask paed for melatonin it was a wonder for d's in getying him to sleep when he was younger

TeachesOfPeaches · 14/12/2018 19:32

I feel for you OP. I'm also a Singtel parent to a 3 yo and it is tough, must be even harder with SN.

My son sleeps in my bed with me and we go to bed early, sometimes even 7pm even though I only get back home from work around 6pm. Could you try this perhaps?

cestlavielife · 14/12/2018 19:33

What do they use at nursery I guess it is more structured so she knows the routine?

Iamtheoneandonly2018 · 14/12/2018 19:33

Also - when he was up early the next day on a weekend I used to let him.get in bed with me with tablet and headphones

Sirzy · 14/12/2018 19:34

As hard as it is don’t get into a battle of wills. Ignore things like the spitting (with lots of praise for the good) because that just leads to everyone getting more wound up.

I agree with filming things. And don’t feel bad if you need to walk away (knowing she is safe) into another room if you need to.

What time does she fall asleep now? What happens if you just do the medicines and then wait until she crashes and burns?

Sirzy · 14/12/2018 19:35

Also look into deep pressure that may help

Auntiepatricia · 14/12/2018 19:36

Sometimes these things just spiral and there is no easy or maybe even no hard solution. But with kids you just wake up one day and realise things have gone differently and that shitty phase is over.

Might not be helpful but for a technique to try, read easier, calmer, happier parenting. It’s a great technique and has sometimes sorted problems that if lost control of.

LauraPalmersBodybag · 14/12/2018 19:36

Dear op, I don’t have much in the way of advice but I just wanted to applaud you on hanging in there, it sounds like you’re doing your very best in a terribly hard situation. I hope you find the support you need. Sending you a hug Flowers

MissionItsPossible · 14/12/2018 19:38

My mum and brother help out. She's generally good for my brother but can be a bit cheeky and bossy with my mum, never anything as bad as this though

In your opinion, what is it different that your brother does that you, and a lesser extent, mother doesn’t that makes her behave more for them? It could just be a case that she knows you’re there for her unconditionally whereas she has to behave more to get nice interaction from her peers/staff/uncle/nan.

KateGrey · 14/12/2018 19:40

You have my sympathy. Two kids here with Sen. Bedtime isn’t fun. Do you have a visual timetable? I found the younger years awful. Both girls were generally super hard work. Youngest is 6 and still wakes up at 1am and comes in to us. Have you tried melatonin? Or celebra for sleep advice? What about a weighted blanket? Some places loan them out. I’d also consider filming her. Have you got a paediatrician? Do you think she’s working so hard to keep it together at nursery that it is coming out at home? Some children mask and come home stressed and let rip.

Jackshouse · 14/12/2018 19:40

My DD has started having hour long tantrums, screaming constantly, hitting and nipping. Sometimes in the middle of the night.

We always lay next to her to go sleep. We got a new nightlight which seems to help.

Original poster
DoneWithToday · 14/12/2018 19:41

What do they use at nursery I guess it is more structured so she knows the routine?

I copy their routine as much as I can at home apart from on Sunday. So we go breakfast, then an activity/group, snack, free play, lunch, quiet time/story time, activity/group, snack, walk, evening meal, then freeplay until bedtime routine. Nursery do the same but have their activities/walks etc at different times depending on the day and time of year.

Could you try this perhaps?

She won't bed share, she says it's not her bed and she doesn't like it. She won't go in my room at all, not because I've stopped her but because it's not hers.

What time does she fall asleep now?

Anytime between midnight and 2am

What happens if you just do the medicines and then wait until she crashes and burns?

Nothing different, she still chucks a tantrum.

OP posts:
Augusta2012 · 14/12/2018 19:44

Does she have books and toys in her room? I know it’s not recommended, but if she’s not sleeping anyway, it might keep her in there occupied until she dozes off.

Otherwise as a last resort, if you lay down and cuddled her off, would it help?

Jackshouse · 14/12/2018 19:44

Can you fit in her bed with her?

grasspigeons · 14/12/2018 19:44

Can you dissassociate the chore side of bedtime to different times - so teeth brush straight after tea, pjamas as soon as home, so bedtime isnt a series of demands.
Melatonin sounds an idea, calming aromatherapy oils? Audio book or other white noise playing.
It sounds so hard snd my heart goes out to you.

Jackshouse · 14/12/2018 19:45

Does she nap during the day?

Original poster
DoneWithToday · 14/12/2018 19:46

Do you have a visual timetable?

No I don't although the Nursery use one, so could ask them for a copy of it.

Have you tried melatonin? Or celebra for sleep advice?

Not tried anything. She has a paediatrician but as she's so little she's only on yearly checks with him as he doesn't want to go further with diagnosis until she's older.

What about a weighted blanket?

She tends to kick her duvet off so not sure it'd help, but could look into it, where would I hire one?

what is it different that your brother does that you, and a lesser extent, mother doesn’t that makes her behave more for them? Do you think she’s working so hard to keep it together at nursery that it is coming out at home?

I did think this as once I get to Nursery she won't leave my side. The other children will greet their parents and then wander off to get pictures/bags/costs etc but DD stays next to me and if I walk off she runs to catch up.

She can speak. Her speech is ok, not completely normal but she is understandable.

OP posts:
Original poster
DoneWithToday · 14/12/2018 19:49

Does she have books and toys in her room?

Yes she has both plus a nightlight

if you lay down and cuddled her off, would it help?

If I lie with her or go near her she hits and kicks and bites me so I stay away.

Can you fit in her bed with her?

I can as she's in a single bed but if I get in with her she starts lashing out at me; hitting and kicking and biting me.

Does she nap during the day?

Only if we're at home and she has access to her bed, she won't nap at Nursery or in her pushchair or in the car.

OP posts:
DorisDances · 14/12/2018 19:52

Oh, OP I wish I had a solution for as my heart goes out to you. Your resilience and love are impressive. I do hope you get the support and advice you need. Hang on in there....

Youmadorwhat · 14/12/2018 20:10

My Dd doesn’t throw tantrums as such but when she gets upset she can continue being upset for 30 mins+ and it ends up being about everything (it’s very draining I know) so I did some reading because I figured there was a better way for me to be handling it. I used to leave her and ask her repeatedly to stop. One article I read stated that a child’s tantrum is like a mini breakdown, when they are in the middle of it they have gone into defensive mode so they can’t take in information or process requests. The suggested method was to hug them and hold them (lightly not forcefully) and shushing to them like a baby until they are calm. I have to say it works wonders for my two. It has completely changed everything. 💐

Almostthere15 · 14/12/2018 20:12

I know this probably doesn't help but her behaviour with you is because you're her safe person. She loves you. It's hard to believe that when she's biting and hitting but she does!

Could you show what youve written to ss. It might be life with sen but that doesn't mean you should get no support.
You sound a great mum but we need help to keep going too.

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