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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please help :( Angry with MIL...

41 replies

IAteMyGrandma · 14/12/2018 19:12

I know, I know, another MIL thread, sorry everyone. I feel I’m being very unkind to her, but I can’t seem to help it. I’d be glad of your thoughts.

MIL was diagnosed with cancer a month ago. She’s since had an op and has been told she’s cancer-free. Great news!

The thing is, she’s an extremely self-absorbed, selfish person who’s hurt me deeply in the past. I’ve lost four family members to cancer in the last two years. My DM was also diagnosed with breast cancer five years ago and went though chemo, mastectomy, reconstruction, etc. I helped nurse her through her it and what she suffered was genuinely awful.

The only time I mentioned it to my MIL I was told that my mum should think herself lucky to have had cancer, as at least there was a cure, and there’s no cure for arthritis (which she has). This hurt me so deeply - I came very close to losing my mum and to hear her sufferings minimised like that was terrible.

Now I’m finding it very difficult to have sympathy for my MIL in her present situation. Am I a wicked person? Her only concern is her health, and when she was well she only ever talked about her various minor ailments, and I know when I next see her I’ll be expected to listen to the tale... but I’m still so angry with her Sad What to do?

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 14/12/2018 19:14

How can you he angry with someone for having cancer? What help have you given her whilst she's been ill?

Original poster
IAteMyGrandma · 14/12/2018 19:15

I’m not angry with her for having cancer...

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 14/12/2018 19:16

Ok. What help did you give her?

Fluffyears · 14/12/2018 19:16

Getting angry does nothing. She isn’t self aware enough to realise what she’s doing. Change the subject every time she brings up herself and just don’t give a shot about her blabbering. It’s the only way I can tolerate similar.

SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 14/12/2018 19:18

No you aren't wicked, not at all. I've got arthritis too, the rheumatoid flavour. While it is true there's no "cure", it can certainly get a whole load more manageable with the right treatment. If I have to be ill, I'm grateful that it's RA and not cancer.

Singlenotsingle · 14/12/2018 19:18

Tell her she should think herself lucky there's a cure for cancer! ~And there are very effective painkillers for arthritis. Lots of people get arthritis as they get older, it's just a fact of life. And it's not a killer like cancer is.

But surely if you can see MIL for what she is, you can just take her as she is? No one's perfect and she has faults and frailties like everyone else.

PurpleWithRed · 14/12/2018 19:18

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MakeAHouseAHome · 14/12/2018 19:18

I would have zero sympathy for her. And would not help her out in anyway shape or form. Remind her that their is 'supposedly' a cure for cancer...

Laiste · 14/12/2018 19:18

Having cancer doesn't automatically make you a wonderful, likable, sainted person. Your MIL sounds like she's a PITA with or without cancer.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 14/12/2018 19:19

I was told that my mum should think herself lucky to have had cancer, as at least there was a cure

fucking hell thats a truly vile thing to say. Did you stand up for your mum? If not then I would say you need to be more assertive in general but perhaps now is not the right time to start

Original poster
IAteMyGrandma · 14/12/2018 19:20

Angry was the wrong word, I made a mistake there... I’m not angry with her. It’s a whole accumulation of things. I so wanted to get on well with her when I married DH but she’s never been remotely interested in me or the DC. I don’t know really. She’s only ever said things to hurt and upset me, never anything nice.

OP posts:
Skipuation · 14/12/2018 19:21

Take a deep breath. Treat every visit with her as if it's your first meeting. Act.Try and disregard all previous incidents. Then reward yourself with something nice after every visit.

You are not going to change her, so you must emotionally detach yourself.

CrookedMe · 14/12/2018 19:21

Some people are cunts. Don't let them turn you into one too.

Wasywasydoodah · 14/12/2018 19:21

YANBU. I’d keep my distance politely but firmly.

Aria2015 · 14/12/2018 19:22

I get it, when it was affecting you (when your mum was ill) it was ’no big deal’ and now it’s happened to her it is a big deal and you resent having to support her when she was so unsupportive to you. I’d find it hard too but I think you need to try and treat her the way you wished she’d treated you (as hard as that will be). Don't mirror her previous behaviour towards you because you’ll probably not feel good about it and so you’ll not be in a better position. I've had a similar situation recently and it felt like swallowing knives to be nice at first but then it felt good and I felt a bit better about everything because I knew I'd acted kindly even if I hadn't received the same beforehand. Kill her with kindness lol!

Intohellbutstayingstrong · 14/12/2018 19:22

How can you he angry with someone for having cancer? What help did you give her?

Oh FFS that isn't what the OP meant. Christ alive.... first response and someone is already being a belligerent twat

Original poster
IAteMyGrandma · 14/12/2018 19:27

Thanks so much everyone. You’re all saying what I know to be true... I mustn’t be unkind or unsupportive - and I haven’t been, honestly, I’ve said and done all the right things - it’s only in my head I have these thoughts. It’s hard to rise above it and be the bigger person though, it surprises me how difficult it is.

OP posts:
bunnyup · 14/12/2018 19:29

Second the post that @NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 is a belligerent twat

DBN1 · 14/12/2018 19:30

How can you he angry with someone for having cancer? What help did you give her? Having cancer doesn't make you a saint ffs!

By the way, I've had breast cancer, partial mastectomy, chemo, radiotherapy and I'm on treatment for the next 5-9 years. Both my parents have had cancer too. All 4 of my grandparents died from cancer and guess what? We are/were all just normal people. No special treatment needed and if being a rude arse, would expect to be called out on it

SilverLining10 · 14/12/2018 19:31

You do have a right to be upset with her. And you do have a right not to want to offer yourself to her. You can be glad for her that she is in better health but you can do that from a distance. What she said was vile.

jessstan2 · 14/12/2018 19:33

My mum was a bit like that, blunt and tactless, absorbed with her own ailments (real and imaginary). I put up with it, she was good in other ways. I hated being with her with other people though, never knew what would come out of her mouth.

You'll get through somehow.
Flowers

Engorged · 14/12/2018 19:34

Why do you need to be supportive to someone nasty and cruel. Cancer is terrible yes but just because someone is very ill doesn't change them from a shit to a saint!

Besides which she's in remission now so even less reason to be supportive.

cuppycakey · 14/12/2018 19:34

Did you post about it at the time? I seem to recall this particularly nasty MIL....

Anyway, distance yourself. See her as little as possible and when you do have to see her, try to talk with others and avoid any 1:1 with her. Be pleasant but keep your boundaries up.

TeachesOfPeaches · 14/12/2018 19:39

There isn't a cure for cancer

ittakes2 · 14/12/2018 19:42

I find it helps if I lower my expectations. Don't expect her to be anything but self-absorbed and you won't be disappointed and it won't bother you as much. I'm sorry about your mum.