Please help :( Angry with MIL...

[IAteMyGrandma]

I know, I know, another MIL thread, sorry everyone. I feel I’m being very unkind to her, but I can’t seem to help it. I’d be glad of your thoughts.

MIL was diagnosed with cancer a month ago. She’s since had an op and has been told she’s cancer-free. Great news!

The thing is, she’s an extremely self-absorbed, selfish person who’s hurt me deeply in the past. I’ve lost four family members to cancer in the last two years. My DM was also diagnosed with breast cancer five years ago and went though chemo, mastectomy, reconstruction, etc. I helped nurse her through her it and what she suffered was genuinely awful.

The only time I mentioned it to my MIL I was told that my mum should think herself lucky to have had cancer, as at least there was a cure, and there’s no cure for arthritis (which she has). This hurt me so deeply - I came very close to losing my mum and to hear her sufferings minimised like that was terrible.

Now I’m finding it very difficult to have sympathy for my MIL in her present situation. Am I a wicked person? Her only concern is her health, and when she was well she only ever talked about her various minor ailments, and I know when I next see her I’ll be expected to listen to the tale... but I’m still so angry with her What to do?

If she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which for some reason so many MILs/Mothers do, she won't be thinking of anyone else but herself, hence her extremely insensitive comments. If it wasn't you, it would be someone else - this is who she is, and I doubt anyone will be able to ever change the core of her.

I would have very little sympathy, too, OP, for someone who has been so self-centred and lacking in sympathy for others with cancer. I would expect her to live by her own feelings on it. Maybe I'm not a great person, either, but I can't stand people who do things like this and then act like it's 'different' when it happens to them.

I find it helps if I lower my expectations. Don't expect her to be anything but self-absorbed and you won't be disappointed and it won't bother you as much. I'm sorry about your mum

^^This

I’d be angry with her OP, don’t apologise.

rise above, but don't feel ashamed of your feelings.

Having cancer is shit, but it doesn't make someone a saint and doesn't wipe out the past or a bad personality. Your MIL is still the same person she was before. Try to remember that her cancer was genuine and she has gone through it all, but you don't own any sympathy now that she is cancer-free.

Be polite and kind, nod and smile.

I can understand your frustration actually, having been in a similar position (sadly my mum died from ovarian cancer, it was dreadful) and my MIL had stage 1 cancer and was cured with minor surgery, great, but we never hear the end of it. I'm also a breast cancer survivor and have had all the treatment and it was awful. So when she goes on about herself, her bad hip, all the rest of it I listen politely, grit my teeth, and try not to be nasty and bitter, but it's not easy. Totally understand!!

Take a deep breath. Treat every visit with her as if it's your first meeting. Try and disregard all previous incidents.

This is exactly what I do with my MIL. It’s the only way to stop feeling angry and it just isn’t worth the energy.

You know what ‘they’ say:
Your next door neighbour may have broken his foot, but it’s your own big toe that’s hurting.

The thing with cancer is that the impact can be relatively minimal for some. For others it is devastating and life changing and as we know, deadly. It sounds as if your mum and other family members had a lot more complications with their cancer than your mil had.

I can understand to an extent how your mil maybe feels about arthritis. I have chronic fatigue/ME plus fibromyalgia and chronic pain. I recently had major surgery. Life is really frustrating for someone like me. I’m far too ill to work and in bed a lot of the time.

Personally I’d much rather have a treatable illness. And one universally recognised rather than often ridiculed. I think it is not useful to give a hierarchy to illnesses as chronic anything with a severe impact on and individuals life is difficult to cope with.

Idk how bad your mil is with her arthritis or how much pain she is in. What she said was very unkind. Sometimes people say really unkind things when they are distressed. I really can attest to being guilty of that myself at times.

You have done your duty to your mil. You know she’s self absorbed and as has been pointed out she probably has no concept of how her conversations can be perceived. It sounds as if you’ve had a lot to deal with so if you wish to withdraw from your mil to process all that has happened in your life it would be understandable and give you a get out clause to allow to see your mil less frequently.

OP i can completely understand where you are coming from.

My MIL got diagnosed with breast cancer in January. My granny got diagnosed with rare cancer and died 13 days after being diagnosed in March. At the end of March MIL text my DM celebrating how she was cancer free and how happy was - obviously so but my DM was still extremely upset at losing her own mum and her and my MIL don’t even speak that much so was weird?

At the time MIL was diagnosed she was told it was caught early and she was lucky and they were 99% sure the operation would remove it which it did. And all she could say was “why me” I mean like 100 times a day. When she should have been saying, ok it’s not great I have it but I’m very lucky I’m going to recover. There are a lot of people who are not so lucky

I know how you feel OP, my mother is just like this. It goes beyond self absorption to actively punishing anyone who dares mention their own or anyone else’s health problems. The last straw for me was my MS diagnosis - no matter how much I avoided talking about my own problems she would make it her mission to bring them up and batter home how her troubles were worse.
It’s the sort of thing you may put up with and “manage” conversations, but at times when you are feeling more emotionally under seige it’s beyond hurtful.
You can protect yourself by withdrawing, to whatever extent, without being unkind. You don’t sound unkind, please don’t beat yourself up about not wanting to be on the receiving end of this behaviour, it doesn’t make you a bad person.

You don’t have to feel sorry for her, you don’t even have to like her. It’s ok to be angry at her for what she has said and done.

Feelings aren’t right or wrong, they just are.

Getting cancer or growing older doesn’t make a selfish and nasty person into a saint .

It can be upsetting to be treated like this if you have a close and loving relationship with your own mother, as you naturally want to be close to your MIL too. But thats not going to happen, she doesn’t want it, she’s not that kind of person.

So just distance yourself emotionally, be polite and detached. Let your husband care for his mother , that’s his duty not yours.

Stop expecting her to care about you or your kids, it’s clear that she doesn’t .

And don’t feel guilty for your feelings, all you can control is your actions.

Thank you everyone for your words of wisdom. I was prepared to be flamed, to be honest! I’d never have told anyone irl how I felt, but you’ve all expressed how I’m feeling so much better than I did. I really appreciate you all taking the time. I feel easier in my mind now.

Of course I’ll continue to be as helpful and supportive as I can, even though I know she doesn’t much care for me. I’ve felt so guilty for feeling this way, but they’re only my thoughts, they won’t translate into actions.

for you all!

Fuck her! Even total cowbags get cancer and she seemed to have nowhere near the ordeal as your own DM. None of it wipes out her terrible behaviour.

I find it helps if I lower my expectations. Don't expect her to be anything but self-absorbed and you won't be disappointed and it won't bother you as much.

Exactly this. My mother is an awful, self-absorbed person but I've found I get a lot less upset and angry if I expect her to be terrible than if I somehow expect her to change magically between visits.

If I were in your shoes I'd reply to anything she says about her cancer with, "Thank goodness you've been cured." This is kind and supportive but also doesn't indulge any complaints she might make. I can understand where you're coming from (similar experience although not my MIL).