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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel I can't cope at Christmas without my kids?

44 replies

bluecanoeforyou · 14/12/2018 13:13

Single parent here, majority custody. I split Christmases with my exDH 50/50 (more to keep the peace than anything else) and this year it's his turn. DCs are 6 and 8.

I've been really really down about this the last month or so, to the point where I've found it hard to get ready for Christmas. I'm spending the time the kids are away with my DP who we're moving in with next year and he's been really good in helping me feel better about them being away - we're going to do lots of adult things the kids couldn't come along to - but I still feel quite heartbroken about the whole thing.

IMO Christmas is so special with kids and there almost is no point to spend it without them. AIBU to feel this way? How do you cope?

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MollysLips · 14/12/2018 13:15

Yep, same here. Mine are with their twat Dad this year. We're doing a HUGE family Xmas day a few days later when they're home again. But you're right, the actual day itself will suck. I'm just going to drink!

blackteasplease · 14/12/2018 13:16

Can you afford to go away somewhere nice?

Or just have a really grown up day when they are there, not even necessarily calling it Christmas. Wine, nice food etc. Not traditional fayre.

And call a different day Christmas when your kids and there and have the traditional stuff then?

blackteasplease · 14/12/2018 13:16

Or just drink which I what I would do.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 14/12/2018 13:17

I spent Xmas alone a few years ago as my ex had them. I sat and ate shite all day, watched Star Wars box sets and drank too much wine. I basically had a proper slob day, and looking back I quite enjoyed it.

My friend volunteered at a homeless shelter for the day and said it was one if her best Christmas’s - might be worth looking into

Cheerbear23 · 14/12/2018 13:19

YANBU in feeling how you do. Please do what you’ve planned and have a special day with your kids when they’re back at yours.
Their father must be torn too when it’s your turn though? I think you’ve come to a fair arrangement.

Original poster
bluecanoeforyou · 14/12/2018 13:27

@mollyslips @blackteasplease this is the plan!! I'm going to go to the pub on Christmas day which I would never do with the kids - this will be fun. We're going to have a big celebration on NYE which will replace our Christmas, such an arbitrary day wen you think about it. I'm not even religious!!!

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Original poster
bluecanoeforyou · 14/12/2018 13:28

@WhoKnewBeefStew I would definitely have volunteered if my DP wasn't around

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Original poster
bluecanoeforyou · 14/12/2018 13:29

@Cheerbear23 he only has them 10% of the time so it doesn't seem to hit him as hard - he's very used to being without them whereas they're with me most of the time.

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Careofcell44 · 14/12/2018 13:29

I've been there and yes it sucks. Allow yourself a few minutes to feel sad then give yourself a stern talking to and get on with your day.
It's good that you're doing non child friendly stuff, and plan lovely things to do with your children when they return.

MollysLips · 14/12/2018 13:31

A big NYE sounds like fun. :)

But also, when this happens again (I guess in 2020), why not just do your own "Christmas day" with the kids, just on a different day? I think most separated parents each do their own Christmas day, on whatever day the kids are at their house. Hence the kids loving the fact they get two Christmases.

DP and I are going to the pub in the morning too! Cheers.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 14/12/2018 13:31

My friend volunteered at a homeless shelter for the day and said it was one if her best Christmas’s - might be worth looking into

Although I appreciate that this is meant in the best way; there were news stories this week about homeless charities not being able to cope with any more festive volunteers, and saying that they use year-round volunteers as the people they serve prefer a face that they know.

Christmas volunteering has been oversubscribed for years. I did it for a while; as I've no family. Don't get me wrong, it's a lovely thing to do, but you'd need to be applying around July/August to get in even if they didn't want regular volunteers.

MozzchopsThirty · 14/12/2018 13:32

My dcs also with the ex this year
So I'm fucking off on holiday
Fly to Berlin Xmas day where I shall eat a lot and drink heavily Grin
Then I'm back on 28th and then fly to Spain with boyf until 2nd jan

I hate Xmas without the dcs and in general really so this suits me fine

VietnameseCrispyFish · 14/12/2018 13:32

YANBU! It’ll be hard, but you will cope. Do you have the sort of amicable relationship with your ex where you could ask him how he coped when he had to spend xmas without them last year?

Christmas is shit for lots of people who are alone and lonely or ill and in hospital or homeless, it’ll be tough but looking at it in perspective you still have your children, you’ll miss them for xmas day but you won’t be alone and have DP to spend it with, you’re in a much better position than lots of people. I don’t mean that you can’t feel sad about it at all. Just, sometimes it helps to get a bit of perspective. You might feel better.

ViragoKnows · 14/12/2018 13:34

Flowers I feel for you.

You sound like youre doing all the sensible things. Just be even more emphatic with yourself that “NYE is Christmas”.

jessstan2 · 14/12/2018 13:34

I do feel for you, I've known plenty of people in your position who really haven't enjoyed Christmas without their children.

All you can do is try to have a good, albeit quiet, time with your new partner and remember, it's only a couple of days. You can still have a Christmas celebration with your children, just not on the day.

FlowersWine

Pandamodium · 14/12/2018 13:35

My oldest DD has never stopped with her dad at Christmas like you she is with me 90% of the time. He has never argued about this, one night out of 14 if that lately doesn't make a 50/50 Christmas split fair at all.

Original poster
bluecanoeforyou · 14/12/2018 13:37

@MozzchopsThirty I fancy this! I like the look of heading to a hot country where they don't celebrate christmas and drinking beer on a beach instead!

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bluecanoeforyou · 14/12/2018 13:39

@Pandamodium I don't think it's fair either - I agreed to it blindly when we first split 5 years ago. DS has been saying this year that he wants to spend Christmas at home this year, so I'm hoping we might be able to negotiate this when it next rolls around in 2020...

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Original poster
bluecanoeforyou · 14/12/2018 13:39

@ViragoKnows I will... it feels so arbitrary anyway. Much prefer the new start sentiment of NYE!

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bluecanoeforyou · 14/12/2018 13:41

@VietnameseCrispyFish he doesn't seem to be affected by not having the kids at Christmas so he'd probably look at me like I'd sprung a second head if I asked - he has them only 10% of the time so is more used to being alone with his DW.

Thinking about it from a perspective POV is a good idea

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MozzchopsThirty · 14/12/2018 13:42

@bluecanoeforyou oh me too, a Muslim country for Xmas is my ideal destination

I'm just pretending it's not happening, it's bliss. I'm looking forward to the drive to Heathrow on Xmas morning and heading straight for the bar 🤣

VietnameseCrispyFish · 14/12/2018 13:43

I’m glad it helps, I really didn’t wanna come across like I was saying if you aren’t in the worst position in the whole world you can’t be sad.

I had a couple of years where I was single, no kids, no family to spend it with, where I would get up early, go volunteer for six hours then go and spend a couple of hours at a friend’s house. It was always absolutely lovely in its own way. I would dread it a bit cos it sucks waking up alone at xmas and it made me feel so sad for the family I’ve lost and the relationships that had ended painfully. But I reminded myself I was so so lucky to have friends who wanted me there, to be in a position to help others having a worse xmas than me, to wake up in a bed with a roof above me and to be able to afford to eat. I felt loads better. It really is just a day.

m00rfarm · 14/12/2018 13:51

Go with the european tradition and have 6th january as your celebration day from now on

yellowumbrellas · 14/12/2018 13:52

Out of interest have you tried asking him if he'd mind if they stayed with you for Christmas? From some of your messages it sounds like he might not be that bothered - Christmas with kids might be much more important to you than it is to him IYSWIM.

Does he live near enough that you could do half day each on the day?

Yummytummy123 · 14/12/2018 13:56

At least you have a dp to be with. Try having no kids with you on the day no family no friends free no money to go away with or for fancy foods. Then try and cope