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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not send Christmas cards to DH's side of the family

36 replies

SadMummy231 · 14/12/2018 10:27

Basically all their addresses are stored in DH's emails and every year we go through this painful process of trying to find them in time for Christmas cards.

Generally we reserve cards for close friends and family, less than 20. This year I went to a lot of effort to make beautiful (expensive) cards of 1 yo DS printed. They arrived, I addressed mine and suggested we do his. DH couldn't be bothered to look the addresses up, he wanted to play computer games. I've suggested a couple more time since and he's batted me off. I'm fed up with trying now. He has major issues with procrastinating, that I think will only be solved by me not bailing him out.

AIBU to just leave and let his family not get Christmas cards? It will be noticed. But I'm already badgering him about more important things, I don't want to care about this anymore. The only thing that irks me is the pile of beautiful unused cards that won't be good for anything after Christmas (given DS age and the Merry Christmas message they can't be reused.)

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 14/12/2018 10:28

Yeah just leave it
Do you buy presents for his side too?

FairytaleOfWigan · 14/12/2018 10:32

Unless you OH has a serious disability that he hasn’t mentioned, he should be capable of sorting his own cards and presents .

You are right stop doing it for him. Send your lovely cards to your friends and relatives .

And stop badgering him about other things too and let him do it himself. He will only learn when HE suffers the consequences.

Cosmosgrowinmygarden · 14/12/2018 10:35

I'd let it go OP, you've tried your best. If any of his family say anything, I would tell them you bought the cards, wrote them (if you have) and then gave them to your OH to address and post. You've done your bit, no reason he shouldn't do his!

E20mom · 14/12/2018 10:37

I only do cards for my side. My OH's side is for him to do (or not). It's up to him.

Original poster

SadMummy231 · 14/12/2018 10:37

@Shoxfordian no we buy presents together, did that last night, so at least it's sorted.

It's such a pity they won't see the card - it's so cute! 😥

OP posts:

Butteredghost · 14/12/2018 10:38

In future, just get enough printed for your side.

SassitudeandSparkle · 14/12/2018 10:39

Honestly OP it sounds like you will resent it more if the cards are wasted - just get a copy of the addresses. His family are not going to make him change if they miss out on a card, I'm not sure what you think it will accomplish here.

Tackle it after Christmas, 2019 is the year he does stuff for himself.

ChristmasFlary · 14/12/2018 10:39

Cut the photo off and use is as a gifttag for them....

Or thankyou card

PennyMordauntsLadyBrain · 14/12/2018 10:40

Just leave it.

This year for the first time I’ve refused to take on the responsibility for buying birthday and Christmas gifts and cards for DH’s (huge) family. There has been a noticeable decline in the quality and punctuality of gifts since I stepped down, but I refuse to act like DH is suddenly incapable of such a mundane task just because I married him.

I read about the concept of Wife Work on MN and just thought “What the fuck am I doing?” and told DH that it was on him now.

everydaymum · 14/12/2018 10:47

I do the cards for most of our family and friends. If I need an address from DHs side I ask, and if it doesn't appear I don't send the card. DH has some friends and rellies he likes to write a personal message to. I'll set aside those cards for him, but if he doesn't get around to it, they don't get sent. I don't nag or follow up, he's an adult and if he can't be bothered then that's on him.

If it bothers you that the other side don't get cards, keep your own record of the addresses, otherwise give him the cards to do himself and don't worry about it.

Original poster

SadMummy231 · 14/12/2018 10:57

@PennyMordauntsLadyBrain I've just looked it up and reading now, ha!

I did make DH address his card to his parents and gran as he knows that address off by heart. I'll leave the rest for him to do - he might actually remember this weekend.

OP posts:

Original poster

SadMummy231 · 14/12/2018 10:58

Looked up wife work I mean!

OP posts:

AsMuchUseAsAMarzipanDildo · 14/12/2018 11:01

I feel your pain. Every year I have to sort out DH’s family/friends cards and presents. Then last year I told him I wouldn’t be able to with a baby and PND and returning to work. Of course he left it too late and sent some belated vouchers.

It’s crap and I feel embarrassed that his family will think it’s a reflection of me. But on the other hand, I know that if I’d gone back on asking him the sort it himself, I would have felt far more pissed off and resentful.

Leave him to it. I re-used the unsent personalised Christmas cards - some for thank you postcards, some for next year’s gift tags, a couple for DD and my memory boxes.

AsMuchUseAsAMarzipanDildo · 14/12/2018 11:04

And look up “the mental load”. Men are buggers for suddenly becoming incapable of remembering birthdays etc once they’re married...even though they managed fine for X years before.

Shoxfordian · 14/12/2018 11:05

If he doesn't send the cards then it's down to him
Don't worry about it though

thecatsthecats · 14/12/2018 11:05

Nope, you've done enough.

I cheerfully told PILs that anyone who doesn't receive a card is on his list.

You will get some syrupy nonsense about 'You're all one family surely? It would be a kind thing to do. Why wouldn't you do something that will bring them joy?'

Bollocks. Your husband wouldn't even be ASKED why he hasn't sent any. If you're all one family, I'm sure he took a really active part in making sure your side of the family got lovely cards?

Nope nope nope. We're off away for the whole period this evening. All of my cards and gifts were with the recipients by the 1st of December. He's going to do his cards at the airport tonight. I AM going to buy the cards for him on my way home, because tbf, I used all the cards weeks ago for my side, that he bought last year (but he's still had weeks to sort out his own).

BarbaraofSevillle · 14/12/2018 11:11

Men are buggers for suddenly becoming incapable of remembering birthdays etc once they’re married...even though they managed fine for X years before

People always say this (and that they have to do their own cooking and cleaning as well) but I'm willing to bet that a large proportion of single men actually do very little of any of this at all and their relatives won't get cards and gifts, their houses will be dirty and they will live mostly on convenience food and takeaways. Seems that way from my observations anyway.

OP YANBU. If your DH won't share the load, his relatives don't get cards. Would he send cards to your relatives if you didn't? So why would it be your fault if his relatives didn't get sent cards?

Original poster

SadMummy231 · 14/12/2018 11:14

@thecatsthecats

We're off away for the whole period this evening. All of my cards and gifts were with the recipients by the 1st of December. He's going to do his cards at the airport tonight

Picturing this scene made me laugh, thank you! 🤣 Hope you both have a good trip tonight!

OP posts:

jessstan2 · 14/12/2018 11:14

Why don't you write names and addresses in an address book which you put in a drawer and get out every year. Once done you won't have to do it again unless someone moves house.

Keeping addresses only in emails seems a bit odd to me. It's also quite mean not to send cards, people love receiving them.

PennyMordauntsLadyBrain · 14/12/2018 11:15

I cheerfully told PILs that anyone who doesn't receive a card is on his list.

I’ve done similar- not in a nasty way, I just made it clear that DH is sorting their gifts and cards now.

In fairness to them, it doesn’t take Miss Marple to look at the carefully chosen gifts and personalised cards they got last year contrasted with the hastily picked, badly wrapped present and card clearly picked up from the Spar and written on “someone’s” knee in the car on the way to visit to work out that something has changed in the Mordaunt household

Poppyfr33 · 14/12/2018 11:22

We have a very old fashioned address book in which we write down addresses, telephone numbers and email addresses. It works any time without any electronics. 😇

thecatsthecats · 14/12/2018 11:24

Keeping addresses only in emails seems a bit odd to me. It's also quite mean not to send cards, people love receiving them.

Yes, I quite agree. OP's husband had better get his shit together, hadn't he?

glamorousgrandmother · 14/12/2018 11:29

I get DH to write cards to his rekatives as I don't really know them anyway other than mil and bil. Can I suggest making address labels on the computer and just printing them off each year. I did that until I got a new laptop this year and didn't have the relevant programme to open them.

Oysterbabe · 14/12/2018 11:35

I'd tell him once very clearly that you aren't sending them and he'll have to sort it then just completely put it out of my mind.

wednesday32 · 14/12/2018 12:22

You mention that every year you both go through the emails to find the addresses, so perhaps its worth printing off the addressees and popping into an address book, or email a copy to yourself. Ultimately if you bought the cards and wanted to send them out then you could do his side aswell. I would just get on and do it so both sides of the family get a nice card x

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