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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step-son moved in

55 replies

Shimna · 13/12/2018 14:00

Hi, my 21 yr old step-son has moved in with us (I bought the house before I met his father). He has a new gf who stays over 5/6 nights a week. Neither have jobs and just sit around my house all day using electricity/gas at an alarming rate. I have just told him he needs to ask prior permission if he wants guests and even then no more than a couple of times a week. I have also asked him to contribute a little towards the bills. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Angrybird345 · 13/12/2018 15:02

I’d put a stop to this now, and give them a timeframe to get a job by. And start paying now! Can you turn Wifi off during day?

Babygrey7 · 13/12/2018 15:02

your partner and son are taking the piss

Unless son is ill AND he has offered to do lost of chores, and is a great help where he can.... doubt it somehow

How much do you and your DP each contribute? If your DH earns and pays all the money for bills, I guess it is not your problem? if it comes out of your wages too, I'd feel really "used" !

Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2018 15:04

If you are the one who owns the home, give this young man 1 week and then he's out.

IdaBWells · 13/12/2018 15:04

I agree with Aquamarine and everyone else. I would not let my own kids mooch around with no plan and definitely noone sleeping over such as girlfriends. They are both taking the p.

IdaBWells · 13/12/2018 15:05

Wow just saw Aquamarine's update, cross post! Not sure I would be so ruthless but definitely have an agreed deadline for him to leave if nothing changes.

NonaGrey · 13/12/2018 15:06

So you are covering costs for two additional adults? And your DH tells you to “chill”?

Hmm

You DH needs to cover his son’s costs if the boy can’t and the girlfriend needs to either contribute or not stay.

Bunnymumma · 13/12/2018 15:17

Pay rent or get out. That's my thinking and what I did with my parents! Got myself a job and laid them rent while I saved up to get my own place after uni, without them asking because I respect them.

Oh and I wouldn't have dreamt of having a boyfriend stay over! Your home isn't a doss house for 20-something jobless shaggers!

UnicornSlaughters · 13/12/2018 15:19

The GF isn't staying over 6 nights a week - she's moved in!

Kick all three of them out.

Ellie56 · 13/12/2018 15:21

They are taking the piss OP. You do not have to put up with their freeloading. Tell your stepson to either start contributing or find alternative accommodation. Why can't they go to the GF's house?

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 13/12/2018 15:23

Your other half is hoping you will not raise it again, hence trying to make out you need to chill. (You unreasonable woman Hmm ) YANBU. My biggest nightmare is that something will happen to DHs XW and my needy, whiney, manipulative 19 yr old SD will want to come and live with us, same set up, my house previously. (Still my house Xmas Grin )

AmyDowdensLeftLeftShoe · 13/12/2018 15:24

The PPs saying kick them out aren't being ruthless. While you need to stand up for yourself you are not helping the boy long term by enabling him to live without a job.

Redken24 · 13/12/2018 15:30

Son / stepson it doesn't matter. He's taking the piss and so is his dad.
When I was unemployed and claiming jsa my mum took money off me (rightly)
I was living with her at the time. She isn't a high earner then or now.

AdaColeman · 13/12/2018 15:32

The father, son and girl friend are all taking advantage of you to a huge degree.
You need a family meeting and your agenda should be:
that the girl friend's visits stop immediately.
that the son immediately starts paying a third of all utility & food bills
that the son moves out by early January

If they don't agree to this, then the father and son can both move out ASAP.

Seniorschoolmum · 13/12/2018 15:34

YAnbu.

He’s 21. Tell him to sign on and you want £50 a week to cover his costs. If the girlfriend wants breakfast, that’s extra. Hmm

ChasedByBees · 13/12/2018 15:34

Whilst they do sound VU it does depend on whether you are married and how long you’ve been together. If you’ve raised your SS since he was 2, then you’re B a little U.

blueskiesandforests · 13/12/2018 15:34

Is the house 100% funded by you? Have you actually been step mum to step son for a long time, or is he essentially your boyfriend's / partner of just a year or two's son?

If you haven't been together since step son was a child and your partner doesn't pay half towards the mortgage plus bills etc then act unilaterally and tell dss his girlfriend can only stay 1 night per week and he can stay til Christmas but as of [insert date] he is to leave or start paying 1/3 of all bills (1/2 if he wants girlfriend to move in too) plus whatever housing benefit would cover in rent for his/ their room (there's a calculator somewhere on line where you can look that up).

If you've been together since dss was 8 and DH/ DP pays his fair 1/2 of all costs then I would treat DSS as my own, but that doesn't mean that you can't be very clear about limiting girlfriend staying over to 1 or 2 nights per week and insist he pays his bills and token rent after a grace period.

AdaColeman · 13/12/2018 15:36

As to the father telling you to just "chill", what an entitled arse he sounds!

blueskiesandforests · 13/12/2018 15:37

Yes, the "chill" comment from someone old enough to be the parent of a 21 year old does make him sound an utter knob ...

Namestheyareachangin · 13/12/2018 15:39

Your husband sounds like more of a twat than his son to be frank. "Chill"? Tell him he's not a teenager and to stop acting like one - or better yet, tell him to move out into a flatshare with his babified adult son and they can be 'lads' together without you 'stressing them out'.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 13/12/2018 15:55

No, there’s nothing good in any of this.

It’ll stress your relationship. It’ll stress you. And your step son can just put off growing up. It’ll ruin your relationship with your SS and DP.

Put your foot down.

sunglasses123 · 13/12/2018 15:58

I am surprised you think you might be seen as unreasonable. Two lazy devils sitting around, clearing the fridge, making sure they are warm and having various baths, showers (because actually they have nothing much to do all day!)

I think you need to speak to your DP about this. Why cant at least one of them get a job?

We have almost full employment. There is no reason why they cannot do something but of course if they are being funded by you why on earth would they change their ways.

RomanyRoots · 13/12/2018 15:58

Tell your partner to sort his own children. Did they even ask if both of them could move in?
I'd also be telling dp that you too are being stressed out and if the son doesn't go then the dp will be going.
Does your dp contribute to mortgage and essential bills.

m00rfarm · 13/12/2018 16:01

I am enraged just reading this. I was in a not too dissimilar situation where I paid most of the bills but the house was rented, so not my own house. And I was still seriously pissed off about it. I cannot IMAGINE how I would be feeling if the house actually belonged to me.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 13/12/2018 16:02

Where was he living before? If you said he could stay as a stopgap then tell them the stopgap has come to an end now. It's not "a never ending stopgap".

Just tell them straight and the sooner the better. Coz whats gonna happen now is, instead of them being grateful for what you HAVE done for them, they're gonna moan and bitch and winge about what you're NOT doing for them that they think you should be.

wednesday32 · 13/12/2018 16:05

you are not being unreasonable, however you and your partner need to have a united front on this matter and stick to the rules you apply. If you say his gf can only stay round 2 nights for example, on the 3rd night you say that she cannot stay and suggest he goes to hers. Also you need to find out what his plan of action is-as long as you are providing heating and food etc he has no reason to go and motivate himself
. I would give him an allocated time to get a job and save for a deposit to rent then a deadline to be out by. Also set a timer on the heating and hot water so its not being rinsed by him all day. If the house is cold he may have the incentive to get up and do something.

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