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AIBU?

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Original poster

To go to the school play twice

46 replies

beingmumanddad · 13/12/2018 12:27

Ok not really, I am actually delighted I can

I have a voluntary job which is lovely and supportive and have told me I'm not to come in and to go again a second time

The school obviously does 2 shows - to help out working and split parents to go to the most convenient performance- very considerate

But my sons dad is an arse who wouldn't go if he could

So I had a tearful child that nobody would go today for him as I was planning to work

But once I find paid employment I won't be likely to have such support and will need to take leave for things like this or disappoint my son

I'm feeling really scared about that and a bit broken at how gutted my son felt.

Parents in my position... does it get easier? How do you manage it emotionally?

Feel like such a wimp today as I am delighted I'm going twice but simply fearful of all the times that this will cause a problem in the future and I've burst into tears myself over it

Once upon a time his dad could be arsed but since we split he's not interested in his son and even if he did a U turn the school would probably be uncomfortable with him turning up after things they've been aware of that he has done. As much as he doesn't want contact, even if he did I'm not sure he would be granted it easily.

OP posts:
Nix32 · 13/12/2018 12:33

Harsh though it sounds, you need to prepare him for the fact that he won't have someone in the audience for every performance. As long as he's been seen by someone, that should be enough. I say this as a teacher and a mum. My own children know that someone will come to see them, and they understand that. No advice on how to deal with a dad who's not interested though, sorry.

DewDropsonKittens · 13/12/2018 12:35

I work full time, so does my husband.

Our school has 2 performances, we can only make the evening one. I think it is natural to feel guilt about not being able to go to everything

But children have to understand that we are providing for them not swanning around.

Upanddownandroundagain · 13/12/2018 12:37

If you have got the opportunity to go twice, go for it. It’s a very fortunate position to be in, and you might not get the chance again. Plus, your kids are only kids once, when they’re grown up you won’t get these opportunities to support and enjoy them. Go, and enjoy it.

(I went twice last year. Nursery allowed 3 tickets per family, most invited a grandparent, I used the third ticket for a different performance)

redastherose · 13/12/2018 12:39

As he gets older he will be less bothered by these things, if you are friends with one of his friends Parents then you could say that you aren't able to be there but 'Joe's' Mum/Dad are going to watch him for you and tell you how well he did. I worked full time when my eldest was little and had to miss things when I couldn't get leave. It's upsetting but sometimes that's just life.

Kardashianlove · 13/12/2018 12:42

But surely lots/most of the kids won’t have someone there at every performance? Lots of parents will go together to the same one, some won’t be able to go at all because of work etc.

The usual reaction would be ‘don’t be sad, I saw you yesterday/I’m coming to the one tomorrow remember’.

Your job as a parent is to help him manage feeling upset/disappointed, not to necessarily ‘fix’ everything. I know it’s hard seeing them upset but I’m not sure changing your work because he wanted you there a second time is necessarily helping him in the long term. I’m sure lots of the kids would like their mums to go twice but life is just not like that unfortunately.

Cheby · 13/12/2018 12:45

We could onl make one this year. Told DD that she should think of the first show as an extra practice. She was fine with it.
Honestly, most kids will only have someone at one show.

DinoDave · 13/12/2018 12:45

Tbh op I’ve always found the concept of there ‘having’ to be someone in every performance completely bizarre...and dare I say it, a little worthy of special-snowflake status in older kids that can’t handle it otherwise.

We’ve never done it. Always told the dc that we love watching them in their show and we’ll be at X performance this year. Not all of them.

When you get to year 6 and have to watch a ten year old sobbing hysterically because this year was so busy that mummy couldn’t get tickets for all three performances and it was soooo unfair that no one was there at one (complete with stamping feet...I witnessed this last week!)...it’s made me very grateful that I never set that expectation in the dc tbh.

Original poster
beingmumanddad · 13/12/2018 12:46

That's true, I was caught up in mum guilt and feeling shit for him I hadn't actually thought about parents who'd only go together to one.

I guess next year I will have to explain it to him in advance and can use that as an example that he won't be the only one

OP posts:
DinoDave · 13/12/2018 12:48

Your job as a parent is to help him manage feeling upset/disappointed, not to necessarily ‘fix’ everything

This with bells on.

I hate it when the dc are disappointed about something...but a child that’s never experienced disappointment is likely to turn into an incapable adult imo.

Knittedfairies · 13/12/2018 12:49

My son’s school put on two performances because there wasn’t room for everybody if they only had one showing. That wouldn’t work if people went twice!

Original poster
beingmumanddad · 13/12/2018 12:52

He's experienced enough disappointment to last two lifetimes over, I think he's fed up of being disappointed more than he is a snowflake demanding it tbh

Which makes me feel more of a guilty mum who wants to never let him be hurt or disappointed again

But yes, I will have to help him manage expectations to what actually is possible for me in future

OP posts:
ChanklyBore · 13/12/2018 12:53

Who goes to all the performances?! I thought there was more than one for space reasons and to align with more working hours. You can barely fit through the door here as it is - 180 kids in one play! - going more than once is going to deprive others of the chance to go at all!

user1474894224 · 13/12/2018 12:54

What about offering the other ticket to a grandparent? Aunt? Uncle? Other friend or relative?

Original poster
beingmumanddad · 13/12/2018 12:54

I definitely am not depriving anyone - small school, no tickets

You can see it whatever, you just may not get a seat. I didn't yesterday... wasn't fussed about it. Better view probably stood up

OP posts:
MarilynSlumroe · 13/12/2018 12:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
beingmumanddad · 13/12/2018 12:59

Grandparent went with me yesterday, can't today

I should have not gone yesterday I guess but obviously I was planning to work today...

I don't think anyone is near enough though normally to fill in for me.

Oh well... it's not actually a problem as I am going shortly...

Just had an emotional morning myself about it but the example that some together parents would still only get to one makes me feel a bit less shit about the future

OP posts:
Babymamamama · 13/12/2018 12:59

The reason the show is put on twice is so all parents who wish so get to see it once. Not twice. If everyone did that wouldn't it be overcrowded? It's not a big deal if no parent is there for the second showing. Lots of children will be in the same boat and it isn't a big deal.

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 13/12/2018 13:02

I'm going twice,the first one is today.If I couldn't go due to work reasons id explain that to him

CuppaSarahsCuppaChristmasCheer · 13/12/2018 13:03

Are you friends with any of the other parents or has he had playdates with any other families? Then you can see who will be at the other performance and let them know there will be a familiar face cheering for them.

Original poster
beingmumanddad · 13/12/2018 13:03

Also hadn't considered overcrowding as it wouldn't be the case in DS school

Split into year groups and small school

But obviously a reason in other schools and will probably apply in secondary

OP posts:
AllTakenSoRubbishUsername · 13/12/2018 13:04

YANBU to go to it twice, if you have been given two tickets! But yes, your son's Dad is a complete arse. We get two tickets so usually one of goes to one and one goes to the other to avoid the children not having someone there for them, but if you have to go twice, just go and enjoy it.

caringcarer · 13/12/2018 13:04

With youngest son both me and his dd worked full time so could not get time off to go unless in evening. We made sure we always attended everything that was put on in evenings. No grandparents close by either so our youngest dd often had nobody at all to watch him. Sad but we both needed to work to support son. Just enjoy going twice this time.

Kardashianlove · 13/12/2018 13:07

I’m guessing your DS will be minority of DC having someone attending both performances. It’s about what is possible for you but also what is normal. So it’s not normal to go to both, especially when you were supposed to be working and only went a second time once he got upset. It’s probably not helping him to change your plans like this because he decides he wants you there a second time. Far better in situations like this to explain that there are two performances so parents can choose which one they go to and some DC parents go to the first one, others to the second.
I bet there are lots of parents who have told their kids this and then will have to deal with ‘But Freddie’s mum came to both, why didn’t you’ etc!

Original poster
beingmumanddad · 13/12/2018 13:09

Yes he does have a friend who actually I sometimes go to stuff and tell him I'm there as his mum couldn't get there

I guess I can ask her if we can go to opposite ones in future for them

Thank you all. I guess it's not as big a problem as I thought it was. Just an emotional morning of mum guilt after the tears and not thinking massively clearly about it

OP posts:
Mrspotter12 · 13/12/2018 13:09

What we do is grandparent goes to one and half sister goes to the other. Last year I went to one - DD never goes. This year it doesn't look like I'll get there as I'm stuck at hospital half an hour away and it starts at two 😿 but I had a conversation with her about it and although disappointed she understands.

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