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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU in telling ex H he’s not getting a penny out of me

66 replies

PrickWhittington · 13/12/2018 03:31

Hi all. Will try and condense this all down a bit.

I finally left my abusive ‘DH’ nearly 10 years ago after he became violentl towards my then 14 YO DS.

Unknown to me at the time, he was heavily abusing Cocaine and around 2 years after we separate he had a breakdown, and was put on anti psychotics and antidepressants which he’s still on. Since being on these he has almost become the complete opposite, almost zombie like instead of angry and violent.

When we split up he moved away to live near his family, which Is only around an hour away, which he has used to avoid having the DC’s for more than a couple of hours every other weekend st the most. He has no interest in things like their schooling, or every day lives. He has paid maintenance, but it’s been very sporadic as he is always in and out of work. He has always paid the bare minimum for them, pleading poverty when in fact he earns a good wage. He is self employed though and hides a lot of his earnings from the CSA and me. He has not ever offered me any support with the DC’s and sees the kids as my job, not his.

Anyway - last year I inherited some money. It’s a fair bit, but not a life changing about. I So far have used it to pay off my debts ( many that should have been his), buy a car, a holiday for the kids and the things they needed but I wasn’t able to provide before this (eg, computer, bike. I have also put some in ISA’s for them, and put some away to help my eldest DD (20) through uni.
DC’s.
Since i got this money, he has suddenly turned into Mr Perfect, seeing the
DC’s more and being nice and helpful.

OP posts:

Original poster

PrickWhittington · 14/12/2018 15:13

Thanks again for all the replies. I have an appointment with a solicitor next Thursday regarding the divorce and a will. Great advice to instead use the money on a divorce - thank you. If there is a heaven then my Mum will be up there celebrating and dancing when it does finally go through

I had a brief chat with the solicitor, she said she was hopeful that he would not be given any given the time since we formally separated, and that I have pretty much single handedly raised and paid for our four DC's during that time. She says she is hopeful though that it won't get to the stage where it needs considering by a court, so we shall see.

I have had a charming text 'thanks Bitch, you've showed your true colours eh, don't expect me to be paying anything for the kids anymore, why should I help you out exactly???'

He always was a charmer!

OP posts:

justilou1 · 14/12/2018 17:29

You can reply "You showed yours by not contributing anything towards your children and then hanging around like a bad smell once you realised that I had received an inheritance. My true colours are bright and strong - yours are beige at best."

justilou1 · 14/12/2018 17:30

*Probs best not to actually engage, btw - but it makes you feel better to think it.

TedAndLola · 14/12/2018 17:33

I just got divorced for reason of living separately for over 2 years (or whatever the exact wording was). It was really simple, though still took several months to be processed. I'd use the inheritance to be truly free of him forever!

NoFucksImAQueen · 14/12/2018 19:59

help you out? by paying for HIS kids! what a absolute dickhead, he doesn't deserve kids.

Original poster

PrickWhittington · 14/12/2018 20:13

Yes, it does make me feel better to think it ha - I haven’t replied though, as someone told me years ago, you can’t reason with the unreasonable!

I will try and go through the official channels Re maintenance, but expect he’ll move on before long so I’ll have to find him first.

And yes - he honestly does think of giving me money for the kids as ‘helping me out’ - on the very rare occasions he has had to look after them for a day or two (at my house as his are never suitable) he calls it ‘babysitting. He is a complete dickhead, yes, just wish I’d seen it years ago!

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 15/12/2018 03:42

Don't dignify that text of his with a response. He is not worth engaging with.

If you do decide to reply, send him an accounting of all the late rent you paid, all the money you spent settling his debs, and an approximate amount that he should have contributed to the children annually. Tell him he knows where he can send his cheque to you to cover all of that.*

*Yes, best not to respond. But get that itemised list done all the same just in case you end up in court.

Birdie6 · 15/12/2018 04:02

I'd see a lawyer immediately. As you're finding out, a divorce isn't "just a piece of paper", it's your key to freedom. When my Dad died and my ex made noises about the inheritance, I told him to stick it up his jumper since Dad had died after our divorce came through. See a lawyer asap.

agnurse · 15/12/2018 04:09

You MUST speak to a solicitor. Given that you're not legally divorced it is very possible that the money could be treated as a joint asset. A solicitor would be able to advise you on what to do.

agnurse · 15/12/2018 04:12

A divorce is indeed not just a piece of paper. It involves legal severing of joint property and joint assets as well as determining responsibility for joint debts. There's a possibility that if he gets into massive debt that could also be treated as a marital debt given that you're still married. Again, I don't know the laws in your area. A solicitor would be able to advise you. You'd also be ensuring that you get regular child maintenance. Even if you don't need or want the money, your children have a right to be supported by their father. This is about THEM as well as about you.

dredwardarabbatemple · 15/12/2018 04:20

This reply has been deleted

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Mummyoflittledragon · 15/12/2018 04:24

Your first priority is actually writing a will incase you die suddenly. If you do, he could potntially snaffle the lot.

dredwardarabbatemple · 15/12/2018 04:36

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Original poster

PrickWhittington · 15/12/2018 17:12

You'd also be ensuring that you get regular child maintenance

Sorry, I get that I need to divorce, but I don't get what that has to do with child maintenance? I'm pretty sure the two are kept separate over here.

your children have a right to be supported by their father

I agree, sadly I live in a country where absolutely fuck all seems to be done to ensure this happens, especially if they have a father who moves around/ abroad or is self employed.

his is about THEM as well as about you

Not sure how you could read my PP's and not realise that I already get that - very much so. It's ALL about them, and they are the ones who are benefitting most from this money, not me.

OP posts:

cakecakecheese · 21/12/2018 06:13

I'm sorry about your Mum OP.

Your ex sounds vile, the more you posted the more shocked I was at his behaviour, it's bad enough how he's treated you but to withhold financial support for his own children just to spite you is despicable really.

I'm glad you're getting legal advice and I'd make sure you keep things like that text in case you need it as evidence of how awful he's being.

QwertyLou · 21/12/2018 08:07

I’m sorry about your Mum too OP, she sounds wonderful. I know Christmas can bring mixed feelings when you’re missing someone

Sorry my first comment was a bit terse. I feel so annoyed when men act this way, I think you have done everything right. Stay strong!

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