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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU in telling ex H he’s not getting a penny out of me

66 replies

PrickWhittington · 13/12/2018 03:31

Hi all. Will try and condense this all down a bit.

I finally left my abusive ‘DH’ nearly 10 years ago after he became violentl towards my then 14 YO DS.

Unknown to me at the time, he was heavily abusing Cocaine and around 2 years after we separate he had a breakdown, and was put on anti psychotics and antidepressants which he’s still on. Since being on these he has almost become the complete opposite, almost zombie like instead of angry and violent.

When we split up he moved away to live near his family, which Is only around an hour away, which he has used to avoid having the DC’s for more than a couple of hours every other weekend st the most. He has no interest in things like their schooling, or every day lives. He has paid maintenance, but it’s been very sporadic as he is always in and out of work. He has always paid the bare minimum for them, pleading poverty when in fact he earns a good wage. He is self employed though and hides a lot of his earnings from the CSA and me. He has not ever offered me any support with the DC’s and sees the kids as my job, not his.

Anyway - last year I inherited some money. It’s a fair bit, but not a life changing about. I So far have used it to pay off my debts ( many that should have been his), buy a car, a holiday for the kids and the things they needed but I wasn’t able to provide before this (eg, computer, bike. I have also put some in ISA’s for them, and put some away to help my eldest DD (20) through uni.
DC’s.
Since i got this money, he has suddenly turned into Mr Perfect, seeing the
DC’s more and being nice and helpful.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 13/12/2018 07:07

Get some legal advice about divorce. Do not answer his message until you know where you stand.

It might be wise to offer him a token payoff sum out of the money you have inherited, BUT you have to ask a solicitor about this.

There is so much that you need to talk to a sol about:
A will for you.
Who has parental rights?
Legal guardian of the children if something were to happen to you?
Life insurance for you to benefit the children and not exH.
How to ring fence money set aside for the children?

It will be far cheaper to talk to a solicitor than to end up handing him part of your inheritance. Do it ASAP, before he gets some shyster to write letters to you on spec.

BlimeyCalmDown · 13/12/2018 07:18

Don't you dare give the CF any....Shock

CuriousaboutSamphire · 13/12/2018 07:43

A quick Google and a look at solicitor's advice sites should reassure you that your mum's money is yours and he has no valid claim to it - even if he had been a truly perfect dad and paid all he owed for his kids!

Even if you are happily married an inheritance is not automatically part of the family pot, apparently!

www.co-oplegalservices.co.uk/media-centre/articles-may-aug-2017/is-my-ex-spouse-entitled-to-my-inheritance/

MsJolly · 13/12/2018 07:45

What a wanker-and yes, get divorced and sort it out otherwise he is your NOK!

AndThereSaw · 13/12/2018 07:46

What Curiousaboutsamphire said above is correct.
Also, as you have been separated (with evidence) for over 5 years you can divorce him without his permission.
You can do it yourself. The courts are very helpful if you need to ask about the forms. It costs a few hundred (much less than the grand he's asking.

FoxInForrest · 13/12/2018 07:49

Using the money to divorce him may be a great way to honour your mum's wishes.

OliviaBenson · 13/12/2018 07:54

Just laugh and say you don't have £1k to give him as all your finances go on looking after your kids given that he fails to provide for them.

longwayoff · 13/12/2018 08:21

Oh OP. Tell him you've spent everything on the expensive children he fails to provide for. Don't let him know anything at all about your money in future. And divorce him.

Feefeetrixabelle · 13/12/2018 08:21

‘Of course I can gift you £1000 and now instead of £4500 child maintenance arrears they are now £3500 (replace with correct figures). Your welcome hun’

SushiMonster · 13/12/2018 08:52

Using the money to divorce him may be a great way to honour your mum's wishes

This this this!!!

YoumeandlittleP · 13/12/2018 13:45

Now that you have the money why don't you get legally divorced?

Original poster
PrickWhittington · 13/12/2018 15:50

Oh my goodness - I have just noticed the title and all the spelling errors Blush. I really shouldn’t post in the semi dark when I can’t find my glasses!

But thank you for all the replies, there is some great advice there and I appreciate it.

I have told him I do not have the money to give him, and also how adamant my Mum was that he was not to get any. She hated him because of how he treated us, and also resented how she used to end up buying odd bits for the kids because he never would.

I am going to look into divorcing him ASAP - I didn’t realise I didn’t need his permission now which was another reason I have delayed it. I did start divorce proceedings 2 years after we split but it became clear he was going to make it very difficult for me, and at the time I just didn’t have the strength to battle it, I had enough going on, and was also suffering from quite severe PTSD from all the abuse and his constant temper.

I do feel a bit sad that he has ended up in the situation he is in, despite all that went on I have never wished him any harm. But as others say, he has made his choices, and it is no longer my job to try and bail him out.

OP posts:
Snowwontbelong · 13/12/2018 15:57

Ask a solicitor about financial severance. Cost me £70. Stops you being liable for his debts and him from getting anything you gain!!

Purpleartichoke · 13/12/2018 15:58

I live in an entirely different legal jurisdiction, but where I am, inheritance is joint by default. My aunt actually divorced her husband the day after her father died. His will specified that the money couldn’t go to his kids until a certain amount of time had passed. Not so coincidentally, that amount of time was the length of time it would take a divorce to go through.

Please use some of the inheritance to get legal advice to make sure your assets are protected.

fibonaccisequins · 13/12/2018 16:00

Darling, use your Mam's money to divorce him (seek legal advice first of course, IANAL) and enjoy the rest of your life with your lovely kiddies. Don't give him a 2nd thought. I know he's conditioned you to put him first, but it's time to break that habit.
You can feel sorry for him if you must,
but protect your and the kids' interests first. Well done for getting out. It's not easy.
Flowers

Firesuit · 13/12/2018 16:05

A couple of people have said get divorced to not be responsible for his debts. But married people aren't generally responsible for each others debts in the first place?

Cath2907 · 13/12/2018 16:07

You should have divorced him and got a financial settlement. Legally he might be able to claim some of the money (of course he'd have to go to court to do so which costs money....)

Original poster
PrickWhittington · 13/12/2018 16:50

Thank you all.

I’ve no doubt my Mum would have done something similar with her will, or at least got legal advice as how to get around it. Unfortunately though her death was very sudden and unexpected (and traumatic Sad) and she never got around to it. She was very astute though and did try and encourage me to get a divorce, but TBH I just didn’t see it as a priority - I didn’t have any money or assets that he could take before this, and my DM was in great health and not very old either, I just didn’t anticipate this happening at all (more fool me). She always was right in the end though and I should have listened... Smile

As for the joint debts - after we split it became apparent that he hadn’t been paying household bills/ rent etc that he said he was, plus he had taken out loans and failed to pay them back. At lot of these debts I ended up paying being the only one that debt collectors etc could find as he moved around so much.

Anyway, as soon as I get back now I am going to look up both a divorce and making a will. I doubt I will hear anything more from him now which will not be fair on the DC’s - they have got used to seeing him more whilst he was playing Dad of year for the last few months. I always suspected his sudden character change had an ulterior motive and to be proved right has actually given me the rage Angry

The sense of entitlement of Men like him really is quite astounding. He didn’t even use the word ‘lend’, but ‘give’ like he is owed it. Also - a few months ago he did get snippy when I tried to discuss a divorce with him and suggested that he had thought I would maybe want to pay him back the money he spent on our wedding given that it had been my idea (which it wasn’t!). The cheek of it really.

OP posts:
shouldwestayorshouldwego · 13/12/2018 18:57

If the abuse is documented- e.g. police, social services then it might be possible to get legal aid.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2018 19:02

My god, op. I am gobsmacked you haven't made getting a divorce a priority. Take that money and get a solicitor NOW. You are still legally married and that is extremely concerning regarding your assets. Do not wait another day to get this sorted.

Mabelface · 13/12/2018 19:14

Your inheritance is safe. He's no legal right to it.

Original poster
PrickWhittington · 13/12/2018 19:22

I did try to get legal aid towards a divorce years ago, but couldn’t as it had been longer than a year since the last episode of iolemcw/ abuse by that time.

And I am now going to make it a priority now I have the means to do it, as I’ve said. I did bring up the issue of a divorce with him not long after losing my DMum last year. However, he seemed to cotton straight onto the fact that the timing may have been due to inheritance, so I backed off a bit to try and call his bluff a bit.

Obviously, that didn’t work either. Anyway, if he genuinely is out of work for a few weeks then now is probably a good time for me to do it as he won’t have the money for solicitors/ courts etc (hopefully anyway).

From his txt though it is clear that he thinks that I owe him, and that also he has done me a favour by leaving it this long before asking Angry.

The solicitor who has been dealing with her estate has made an appointment with a colleague of his to sort the divorce and my will. He has been very good, so hopefully this one will be too.

OP posts:
Laska2Meryls · 13/12/2018 19:23

My exh and I didn't divorce until 16yrs after we split.. (not because we ever thought we'd get back together < but for the same sort of reasons as you OP) .
when we finally did I had a house and other assets all accrued after the split.. as i could prove it , They were not counted as joint assets to be shared . The only thing I didn't realise was that had I died (and as I stupidly didn't have a will for most of that e time) he would have had a claim.. so yes If I were you I'd divorce asap.. and do write a will asap if you haven't already done so

AmyDowdensLeftLeftShoe · 13/12/2018 19:23

@Firesuit depends on whether the debts are joint or not, plus some creditors try it on. This is one reason if you have a joint account with your OH to ensure your bank/savings accounts in your sole name are in a different banking group.

HollowTalk · 13/12/2018 19:29

I would change my phone number. There's no reason for him to have it now. And get to a solicitor's asap. This man is awful.

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