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AIBU?

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Original poster

Can't stop thinking about the boy in soft play

46 replies

puglife · 12/12/2018 17:07

I realise this isn't an AIBU, didn't know where to put this.

I was at soft play the other day with my DD. On the table next to me were 3 mums and their children. One of the mums had a little boy, I think aged about 3-4. I was there for nearly 2 hours and in that time I watched his Mum hit him several times and shout at him for being naughty. The boy would occasionally hit out at another child and when it happened she shouted over to him and then went to grab him by the arm, drag him back to the table, smack his bottom several times whilst shouting at him about how he shouldn't hit (the irony..).

She didn't speak one kind word to the boy. At one point she said "X (name of her friend) will take you home at this rate. Although she'll send you back straight away as she won't want you either" and continuously told him how naughty he was.

I was close to tears at that point seeing the little boy being spoken to like that. He came over to me at one point and was asking me questions about my daughters toy. He did nothing wrong and was polite, but she just kept telling him to stop it and to stop being naughty.

I sat there trying to think of what I could do but ended up leaving doing nothing.

What I saw would definitely warrant a call to safeguarding, but how do you do that when it's a complete stranger and I didn't have any names other than the boys?! I keep thinking about him and just feel so sad about it. I wondered if anyone would have any advice?

OP posts:
Aprilsinparis · 12/12/2018 18:03

I have intervened in situations worse than this, and have also bit my tongue when I feel I really should have said something. I have been shouted at and abused for all the times I spoke out, but the times that prick my conscience the most, are the times I did nothing. You maybe should have said something at the time, if you felt that bad about what you saw.

ladybee28 · 12/12/2018 18:07

I really can't stand bullies - I ALWAYS stick my oar in on subjects like this.

But given that you didn't... there must be CCTV - can you at least speak to the staff at soft play and flag up what you saw (and who it was) with them?

keepingbees · 12/12/2018 18:12

You could ask about cctv but without their details I'm not sure anyone would be able to trace them anyway. And without evidence or other witnesses nothing could be done sadly.
It's difficult to know what to do in these situations, the chances are you would've just got a mouthful of abuse anyway. Poor boy some children don't stand a chance Sad

Original poster
puglife · 12/12/2018 18:15

Thanks both for your replies. When you say you would have said something - is that to the Mum? And if so what would you say? I did consider saying something to her, but if she's like that in public I don't like to think what she's like at home and I'm not sure me saying anything to her would have triggered her conscience to just suddenly change how she treats her child.
Also I'm not very good with confrontation. Which is a wuss's response I know but if she'd been aggressive towards me I'm not sure I would've been able to stand my ground.

OP posts:
MonkeyToez · 12/12/2018 18:22

Maybe call non emergency police and report to them? I'm no expert but it could surely be possible for them to use CCTV to match her to a car reg in the car park or a debit/credit card transaction using the time and find her name that way, that's assuming they find the threat worrying enough to pursue anyway.

AnotherEmma · 12/12/2018 18:24

How did her companions react?

TetherEnding · 12/12/2018 18:26

I would report to staff.

seven201 · 12/12/2018 18:32

I'd have discretely reported it to staff and told them I expect them to at least talk to her. If they refused I'd have done it and written a review of establishment online.

What's worse is that she was with friends! Wtf! And doing it in public. Sounds like doesn't know how to parent.

rosydreams · 12/12/2018 18:33

my neighbour is just as bad and i have no idea what to do.She has two small ones about 2 and 3 .Every day i hear her scream at the top of her lungs at them.

I have seen her in the hallway shouting at her children for stuff that wasn't bad at all and then the child throw a tantrum and it escalate to screaming .

it tears at my heart

thewinehasgonetomyhead · 12/12/2018 18:34

Oh dear that poor little lad. Makes me so sad.

AnotherEmma · 12/12/2018 18:41

"my neighbour is just as bad and i have no idea what to do."

I'm surprised you have no idea. It's very easy to report your concerns, you have her address. You just call NSPCC and tell them what you've witnessed. They will decide whether it's concerning enough to pass on to social services.

MsLexic · 12/12/2018 18:47

it's very difficult to know what to do. It's wrong, but maybe she is not like that all the time. Horrible, I do feel for you.
When I was a child we knew a little girl who was definitely being abused but Mum didn't know what to do. The little girl used to run about crying all dirty in the street. It was very very sad.
We think now Mum should have reported this to Social Services,she has always regretted it.
I think in this instance I would have perhaps tried to find out her car reg and rand the Police... but it's hard to know if they would step in.

ClaryFray · 12/12/2018 18:50

You had a snap shot into this woman's life, she could have had a bad morning. Not sticking up for her, but you don't know what's going on. By all means report of your concerned but don't start a witch hunt juat yet.

You should have said something at the time, now there's little that can be done.

OlobobTop · 12/12/2018 18:58

I probably would have waited outside in the carpark to get her reg then reported it to the police. Such a shame, poor little boy. I'm surprised her friends didn't do or say anything.

I think saying you only have a snapshot, don't judge etc isn't helpful at all.

Regardless of what is going on with the mother, there is a child on the receiving end of her behaviour and I don't think there is any excuse for it. I was going through a very rough patch a while back and although I was a bit too short and shouty with DS, no way would I stand there and wallop him repeatedly. He gets on my tits some days still but no child deserves that.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 12/12/2018 18:59

I would report and ask staff to report as you have to sign into soft okay sont uou??

TheBubGrower · 12/12/2018 19:00

"You had a snap shot into this woman's life, she could have had a bad morning"

Hitting a child several times, shouting at them and saying horrible things to them is more than just a bad morning! That's not parenting and it's unacceptable. We all have our moments when we maybe snap at our children, lose patience etc but I would NEVER treat my child like that. If this parent acts like that because she's having a bad morning then she clearly is not coping and that is a SS concern.

I'm not sure how I'd react in the same situation OP, i don't think confronting the mum would necessarily help. Although obviously observers should step in if a child is getting hurt. Perhaps non emergency police in this type of situation would be the best solution, and getting the reg number of the car?

CaptainCabinets · 12/12/2018 19:02

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Dimsumlosesum · 12/12/2018 19:09

If she was REPEATEDLY smacking the child like you said, you should've at least phoned 101 for advice. She was assaulting her kid.

ladybee28 · 12/12/2018 19:11

I'm not sure me saying anything to her would have triggered her conscience to just suddenly change how she treats her child.

You're totally right, it's incredibly unlikely that it would.

And for me it's not about that –change happens as a result of lots of things building up over time. I'd bet that if one new person says something to her every day for a month, something in her mind will shift, even if just a little bit. And if I believe that, I have to be willing to be one of those people, whether or not I actually think anyone else will.

We can't only be good people and do the right thing if we're sure it'll have a direct positive impact right then and there. We do it anyway, because that's who we choose to be, and over time, it all adds up.

Most of our greatest and noblest acts will go completely unnoticed by others, and we'll never know what (if any) impact we had. So (for me, at least) I believe we have an ethical imperative to always behave in a way that has the most opportunity to be a positive influence. It's not always about being the direct cause of the outcome - it's about being a part of the process of getting there.

In terms of what I'd say, I'd probably say something like "I'm sorry, I can't sit here and listen to this and not say anything – the way you're treating this little boy is too much. You're being nasty, and you're being abusive, and it's not ok. Please stop."

And she probably would get nasty about it, at which point I'd raise it as a safeguarding issue with the staff.

I think 'standing your ground' in a confrontation like that is just being repetitive and calm – "It doesn't matter whose business it is, the way you've been treating that boy isn't OK, and you need to stop."

It's really hard in the moment, I know – and even if it's just for the little boy to hear a grown-up saying that it isn't ok, it's worth it.

Teakind · 12/12/2018 19:11

I've called 111 before when I saw a dad screaming and swearing at his two children who were also very inappropriately dressed for the cold weather. They took it seriously.

stressedtiredbuthappy · 12/12/2018 19:14

I remember once seeing a woman shout at her son, really shout at him.
It was so upsetting she was telling him to get away from her, that he wasn't going to get birthday presents and he was sobbing.
I couldn't stop thinking about it, people were intervening and telling her how awful she was.
I'm human, I've snapped and shouted at my dd but I always apologise straightaway and tell her I love her.
To continually name call is emotional abuse and I personally believe that does more damage than hitting a kid.

FATEdestiny · 12/12/2018 19:18

safeguarding

The establishment will have a safeguarding policy.

That policy will have a no physical violence clause in it.

Removing all judgement from the situation, the first course if action is to report physical violence to the establishment.

It will be in violation of their safeguarding policy. They have an obligation to ensure the children on premises are safe (in every way, including from parental violence).

SB1013 · 12/12/2018 19:20

Absolutely awful. The laws around smacking in this country are still really murky. I'm pretty sure you are still legally allowed to as long as it doesn't leave a mark. Sadly I doubt the police would have the power to do anything if it wasn't a smack to the face for example? I would have found it very hard to see this also but I don't know what I would have done about it..

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 12/12/2018 19:21

You had a snap shot into this woman's life, she could have had a bad morning

Oh please. I've had the shittest day known to man but haven't felt the need to hit anyone. Can't believe her so called mates didn't say anything to her.

ShellieEllie · 12/12/2018 19:28

If she did that in public I dread to think what might be going on behind closed doors.

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