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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To cut my daughters hair off?

72 replies

Holdmydrink · 12/12/2018 13:15

DD7 wants her hair cut very short, like boy short. She had a short bob currently, and asked in the summer about having it cut off. I felt it was a bit drastic, and explained that if she suddenly changed her mind, it'd take a looong time to grow back, but that if in a few months she still wanted it, I'd have another think.

Well she's still going on about it. I asked what her reasons were for this, and the only way she can describe it, is that she "wants to feel different", she wants to stand out from other kids.

Bless her, she was trying hard to explain what she means, but it feels like big thoughts for someone so little. I told her that it's totally normal to want to feel different and find out who you are, but inside I'm worried it's a little extreme.

AIBU to put it off for longer? One part of me wants to let her, the other worries. What is she doesn't like it, what if it doesn't suit her.

A side note, we think she has OCD, though this is being investigated, but this does mean she has a lot of anxiety. Is this related, what if it causes her more anxiety as she doesn't like it

OP posts:

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Bluetrews25 · 12/12/2018 14:26

Oh my, OP, you are worrying about so many things here! From a haircut for your DD to getting her into school. Some things are reasonable to worry about, others shouldn't be giving you such grief. Do you have an anxiety problem that your DD has picked up on and run with? Saying this kindly, do you need some help too?

Original poster

Holdmydrink · 12/12/2018 14:34

Namestheyareachangin that's good insight, thank you. It's a delicate issue, and after a crazy year I'm trying to find stability. They just started a new school, which is a small country school, and have just started settling and finding their place, which is lovely, and after such a crazy year with DD having so many anxieties and it being really rough, I finally feel we're starting to settle.

I guess thinking deeper about it, I just want her to not take a step backwards and refuse to go into school as child xyz is calling her names. To those who don't have children with mental health issues, I can see why this may not seem like such an issue. If it was DD1, we'd chat about not listening to silly comments, just to be herself etc. But with DD2, it is not that simple.

Thanks for all the input folks. We'll take the plunge and cross our fingers. See you on the other side...

OP posts:

Original poster

Holdmydrink · 12/12/2018 14:38

Bluetrews25 that's a fair question to ask. But no, I don't. We've just had a rough year with DD, and I'm keen to not derail our progress I guess. All parents worry.

OP posts:

Allfednonedead · 12/12/2018 14:40

Her hair, her choice. It’s a valuable lesson.

I let my 4yo DD get her beautiful waist-length blonde hair cut short, as she had repeatedly requested. I was in bits but she was sure. And it looked great short!

A year later, she is now growing it out again, but she doesn’t regret having had it cut.

Her twin decided at the same time she wanted a fringe, which also looked great.

I would also encourage your DD in wanting to stand out. Not enough little girls are happy to shine bright in this world. She sounds completely fab.

Bluetrews25 · 12/12/2018 14:41

That they do!
You just had me a bit concerned for you, OP.

JellyBears · 12/12/2018 14:42

Don’t let her!! I insisted about the same age to have it all cut off and I hated it and i cringe when I see photos now!!! My dad used to call me Charlie 😱

sollyfromsurrey · 12/12/2018 14:43

It's hair.....grows back. Don't make it turn into a battle. She has expressed an interest in short hair for long enough now. I did exactly what you did. I had it cut shorter and told my DD that if she still wanted it short we would do it next time. She did want it shorter so we went for a very short bob. She liked it at first but gradually decided she wanted it longer so now it is just below her shoulders and she seems happy. She didn't have a meltdown or get emotionally scarred from having short hair.

How about something like this (it's not a boy cut but it is shorted than a bob):

Allfednonedead · 12/12/2018 14:45

Oops, I didn’t read the whole thread.

My advice basically stands, just with a bit more compassion and support to you in a really difficult situation. My formerly long-haired DD has awful anxiety and it’s so hard to hold the balance between keeping them feeling safe and helping them push their boundaries.

foxtiger · 12/12/2018 14:47

I would go for it. She's wanted it for a long time so it isn't a passing fad. I would cross the bridge of when (if) you come to it - there's no point in worrying her over something that might not happen. But if she actively wants to look different from the others you might find that she's prepared to put up with a few negative comments. Also, both before and after she gets it cut, keep reminding her that if she does decide to grow it again it will only be about a term before she can begin to have it shaped into a bob again, so it's not a decision for life.

foxtiger · 12/12/2018 14:47

Sorry, there's a word missing there - the bridge of teasing or criticism.

RedSkyLastNight · 12/12/2018 14:49

DD had her hair cut short at a similar at a age. She was the only girl in her school to have short hair. She kept it short for 3(?) years, then gradually grew it out. Now (nearly 13) she has long flicky girl like pretty much every other girl around her :)

Based on her experience, I think if you're going to have it short, this is definitely the age to do it!

masterandmargarita · 12/12/2018 15:06

Whats wrong with being called charlie

wallyfeatures · 12/12/2018 15:08

Dd had hers cut very short earlier this year. We used this picture as inspiration

witherwings · 12/12/2018 15:10

Hair grows back. If she doesn't like it, it will grow.
Annoying obsession with girls having to have long hair.

BertrandRussell · 12/12/2018 15:11

And why as a Christmas present? Isn’t it usual for parents to pay for children’s haircuts?

Amaaboutthis · 13/12/2018 23:10

I would add that if you are going to get it cut short do take her to the best hairdresser you can find, it’s really hard to hide a badly cut crop and the cut will make all the difference to the way that it falls.

SE13Mummy · 15/12/2018 00:51

My DD2 is one of the few 9-yr-old girls with a pixie cut. Her motivation was so that she didn't have to brush her hair and over a year on, it's still short. It was hard for us to find photos to show the hairdresser but since DD2 had hers cut, I've come across a couple of Pinterest boards and Instagram accounts featuring girls with pixie cuts so she's definitely not the only one out there. In fact, since my DD had hers cut short, three of the other girls in her year group had theirs cropped too, not as short as DD's but short at the back with more length on top.

As you're worried about the potential for a short hair cut to lead to situations that may exacerbate your DD's anxiety, how about you sit down with her and rehearse some stock answers to the comments and questions she may encounter? Some of the ones my DD has had include...

boys aren't allowed in the girls' toilets
how come you're in the Brownies if you're a boy?
are you a tomboy?
are you a girl or a boy?
why do you have boy's hair?
I liked your hair more when it was longer.

She is nearly always referred to as he/him/your son when we're out and about so I spend a fair bit of time saying her name is XX. It's made worse by her favourite colours being blue, green and grey so she's usually dressed in those shades so people assume she's a boy because of that too. Mind you, even when she's wearing pink, people address her as though she's a boy. It doesn't usually bother her unless people are persistent. On one particularly memorable occasion, a couple of children went on and on about how she must be a boy because of her short hair and in the end she shut them up by saying, "I'm not a boy because I've got a vagina."

I think short hair looks fabulous on girls and I'm pleased DD2 wasn't put off having short hair because of what people might think or say. Her big sister finds it quite upsetting that everyone assumes DD2 is a boy and would love her to grow it longer again.

HestiaParthenos · 15/12/2018 01:16

It is hair. It grows back.

Do it.

Considering it is not even waist-length princess hair, she can have the present haircut back pretty fast if she doesn't like the new one.

GlitterPixie · 15/12/2018 01:22

She obviously wants it why not let her have it? Short hair is lovely

Graphista · 15/12/2018 01:51

As a fellow OCD sufferer I'm wondering

A - if she has it cut its not INSTANTLY resolvable if she hates it

B - is she worried about the length because she fears it being touched/catching on things? That's something I struggle with.

Also there are lots of hair products around now that can be used to style a bob to look like the type of short haircut she's meaning by slicking it back/down - at the very least it's a way of her "trying before buying"

Could you experiment with that with her?

Purpleartichoke · 15/12/2018 02:40

If she has persisted for a couple of months, then it is time to let her get it cut.

kmc1111 · 15/12/2018 07:13

If she doesn’t like it short then she’s just in the same position she is now, not liking her hair. At least she’ll know.

I think you’re making a much bigger thing of this than necessary. It’s just hair, it’ll grow back. In the months you’ve put it off she could have had it cut and made significant progress towards growing it out, if that ended up being what she wanted.

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