..to think I am not meant for driving?

[Gannicusthemannicus]

Looking for a bit of advice and encouragement, I've had my 20th hour of driving lessons and I feel like I will never learn as I'm just not getting better. It just does not work in my brain and I've ended up crying in the car twice now due to frustration. Plus my parents are paying and keep asking when my test is, I'm so bad my instructor hasn't even mentioned a test!

My instructor is very good and knows his stuff but I keep doing dangerous things because I'm nervous and then doing more dangerous things because I got told off for the first mistake and it made me more nervous! He's a bit like a kind but stern grandfather. I just panic the moment I see a roundabout or even a turn and know I'm going to mess it up and I forget the order of things I have to do, I can recite the procedure for a roundabout sat on the sofa but the second I'm in the car it goes to pot.

My instructor keeps telling me to 'think like a driver' and that I need to concentrate but I don't know how to think like a driver. I'm currently spending half the week dreading my lesson every week, does anyone have any advice?
Also I do only have one 1.5hr lesson a week and would like more but my instructor doesn't have the time. Could this be against me, as I feel like all my confidence and knowledge is gone when I've been out of the car for a full week. Is there anything that helped anyone else? Books or youtube videos or anything to keep in the driving mindset and ease my nerves?
Thanks to anyone that reads this!

I had 45 hours of lessons. I then passed first time and I have been driving for nearly 14 years now.

Some people take longer to learn. It WILL click.

It clicked for me the day before my test
I suddenly got it!

Get a new instructor, this one is not right for you.
Also try an automatic.

It took me years off and on, 4 instructor and as many tests. I had no one to practise with other than my mother who was herself a reluctant and not very confident driver.

You will get there.

New Instructor..and yes try an automatic.
They used to be more expensive but now as cars are moving towards electric (which are always automatics) they are plentiful and easy to drive. I've had a manual licence for 30 years but drive an auto (a Smart fortwo) for pleasure and would never buy a manual again. Mine's like driving a bumper car...just steer and brake!

Don't give up... driving is a complicated skill but most people CAN do it. It just takes the right instructor for you !

You need a different instructor! God I wasted sooo much money and time and emotional energy on the wrong instructor.

If he makes you nervous that's not helpful. If he tells you nonsensical things like "Think like a driver", that's not helpful. In fact I also think reciting procedures on the sofa is totally unhelpful because actually what you need to be doing is looking and judging at the time rather than thinking about procedures, I assume this is what's meant by "think like a driver", but it would be more productive to explain it better.

There is a nice Youtube channel called World Driving School, I thought he sounded like a lovely instructor (in a sort of "Wait... instructors can be like that?" kind of way) and I found his videos very helpful. My sister specifically sought out a female instructor, which worked for her. That's my next plan. I even found somebody but then the person who was paying for my lessons gave up so I am waiting for the right time. I actually think it will be nicer and less pressure when I'm doing it on my own timescale and own funds too. That might be taking a toll for you.

Your instructor should be encouraging and make you feel like you're improving, even if it's slow progress. They should also be able to coach you where you're going wrong and help you see things differently.

I think that by telling you off he has made you nervous. Perhaps that would be a motivator to another learner, but it's not the right approach for you as then what happens is the nerves/anxiety take over.

You need an instructor (perhaps with dual controls) who can gradually help you feel confident in managing these situations so that rather than feeling nervous you feel competent.

20 hours of lessons is nothing, absolutely nothing. About 30 years ago it was said the average learner took 35 to pass their test. That was then, and it took no account of the area you're learning in and its traffic conditions (for instance most of London and its suburbs are the driving equivalent of black runs on the ski slopes).

A really good instructor will grade your challenges rather than drop you in it. For instance we have some very quiet little mini-roundabouts near us with next to no traffic except learner drivers. When you're used to those you move on to the slightly busier one at the end of the estate. Only when you're confident with busy junctions are you let loose on the large and busy one that is locally named after the supermarket that's off one of the exits.

One more off-piste suggestion (excuse the skiing metaphors; I seem to have a thing for them tonight). You could try an off-road driving centre. They are really good for mastering the mechanics of driving so you don't have to think about the clutch, the gears and how hard to press the brake. I also believe there are such things as driving simulators where you can learn to assess traffic and get a feel for how it moves in certain situations, and if you crash it doesn't matter.

Switch instructors anyway, and remember it's still relatively early days.

Yes to automatic - in five years most new cars will be gearless electrics, there's no sense putting yourself through gears and clutch at this point.

Change instructors. Test-drive a few.

Try some calming techniques - get yourself a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy guide or do some meditation or a bath before the lesson or whatever works for you. Don't do caffiene before a session.

Another who can't understand the enthusiasm for limiting yourself by only getting an automatic DL. 20 hours is nothing to learn to drive.
I am inclined to agree though that it doesn't sound like this particular instructor is helping. He might be a 'good instructor' for some, but if he is making you nervous then he isn't a 'good instructor' for you.

It sounds to me like you could do with some quiet, traffic free driving to practice the physical side of literally driving the car, without the additional side of learning to drive, which is dealing with all the other traffic on the road.

I wondered many times if I was just not meant for driving. I had a year of hour long weekly lessons, and then a break because I just wasn’t getting anywhere, then another six months of two hour lessons, sometimes I could drive and then in other lessons it was like I was a complete beginner. I had another break, and then did a 30 hour intensive course, failed my test, and then did another six hours of lessons and passed.

I was similar to you in that I’d think roundabouts through at home but as soon as I was in the car I’d feel completely confused. It really did not come naturally to me, I think it probably took me 20 hours to just not be completely pain stricken every time I was in the car. It is just a case of practice! It sounds like your instructor is not helping the situation, I was never told off and it would have made me feel even worse, so it may be worth looking elsewhere.

Learning in an automatic isn't limiting. It could be viewed as a temporary measure just to get up and running and build confidence. It's no good spending loads of money on lessons and tests in a manual and not getting anywhere.

Try an automatic and a different instructor before giving up.

I tried for a couple off years to do manual. Failed many tests. Tried automatic and never looked back.

I had over 80 hours of lessons. Foist lot when I was 17 with instructor1.
Second lot I was about 22, instructor 2.
3rd lot I was about 26, instructor 3.

Instructor 3 thought the same way as me. Would answer my questions, instead of telling me I didn't need to ask those questions. He realised I needed to work things through in my own way.

Suddenly it clicked.
Passed 1st time. 2 minor faults.

I practically live in the car now.

He's a bit like a kind but stern grandfather.

Sounds like you need a new instructor.

I was a nervous, flappy learner 15 years ago but now I'm a very confident driver. If I can do it, you can do it.

I think changing instructor is a good idea too! The fit has to be right, for me the click came with my second instructor who firstly had the patience of a saint and secondly explained things in a way I actually understood. My first one - though highly recommended and experienced just couldn't communicate with me in the way I needed. Stick at it though, it's worth doing even if it takes a while to get there!

My dd had this experience when she first tried to learn 4 years ago. The instructor taught the basic skills, but had no strategies to deal with her severe nerves. He wore her confidence down to zero, she thought she was hopeless and would never drive.

She gave and went away to university. While she was away my two other teens learned with a different instructor. This one came by high recommendation from another instructor who was too busy to take my twins on.

The instructor we had was fantastic. A much higher level of teaching in every respect - really taught them to be safe drivers, gave them confidence and real driving knowledge and ability. She was a world apart from the previous guy, they passed with no problems.

When my older dd came home, we booked her in with the new instructor, talked over her previous anxieties, what she struggled with etc.

She didn’t need to switch to an automatic, you can learn to drive a manual, the difference was teaching style, her new instructor had a real understanding of teaching someone with severe nerves and clear strategies to help dd overcome this. It was key. She was also direct and clear, but endlessly patient and encouraging.

After 3 previous fails Dd passed on her first test with the new instructor after 3 months of lessons, average 2 hours a week. Not even a minor fault.

If you go on the GOV.uk website you can search for higher level instructors in the professional development scheme. They also have to pass a standards check test every so often and you can ask them what their most recent score was. E.g.,

0-30 Fail Your performance is unsatisfactory
31-42 Grade B You’ll stay on the approved driving instructors (ADI) register
43-51 Grade A You have shown a high standard of instruction and you’ll stay on the ADI register

Sorry for the long reply, but the difference a great instructor made to my dd was immense, she could’ve written your post so I want to share her experience. Please find a new instructor, explain fully and ask them specifically about teaching a person with severe nerves and confidence issues.

Just to add, she usually did only 2 hours at a time because she could become overwhelmed with more, but you do need more than 1.5, perhaps 2 hours twice weekly? Also, that practising in a different car with e.g., a parent, actually proved confusing and unhelpful in my dd’s experience so wasn’t recommended by our instructor.

I ended up a nervous wreck from my first round of driving lessons, with a male driving instructor who was...inappropriate, let's say. And not very good with someone who was nervous.

What worked for me, and I am in no way a natural driver, was a break, followed by two lessons per week with a calm female instructor. The female part was relevant to me due to an incident with aforementioned dickhead driving instructor; it may not be relevant to you but it's important to find someone you click with and who is a calm personality.

What also helped was practice between lessons, but that's dependent on having the right kind of person to supervise you and who is willing/able to put you on their insurance.

I had way, way more than 20 lessons! But I did pass - and was ready to drive alone once I did.

A good instructor will explain what they mean - not "think like a driver", that's meaningless. I've just had refresher lessons with a truly excellent female instructor - very calm, very clear, very concise in terms of how she explains things but makes it clear what you do when - and also in such a way that you retain it.

Stick with manual rather than automatic - it will give you more options.

20 hours is nothing. Took me nearly a hundred before I passed my test!

Get a different instructor.

I had 2 hours a week for 2 years. At first both together in a long lesson but eventually 2 shorter as it was easier to keep focus and have it reinforced more frequently.
There is more to manual than just the gears, and its not always the way of teaching. I liked all my teachers, but what i struggled with was things like clutch control. I was always stalling. Im actually pretty uncoordinated that ive considered im maybe mildly dyspraxic, and i could never get to grips with the bite on the clutch. I just cant control my foot that delicately. I would stall all the bloody time and then id get stressed. Also found it quite hard to keep the steeering wheel steady with one hand while going at speed so would drift while changing gear on fast roads. Thats stressful too. Its not just about changing gears.
I decided that i can do these mechanics of the car OR I can concentrate on the road. Can't do both at the same time adequately. Automatic was a game changer. They are the future. As soon as i tried one i was like "Why did nobody tell me sooner?" Best thing i ever did.

If i want to try and get my manual licence in the future i still can and maybe one day i will If i find i need to for some bizarre reason, but this got me on the road and driving,

He's a bit like a kind but stern grandfather. You don't need stern. There are instructors who are consistently calm and unflappable - change to one of those.

Don't get practice with relatives until you feel confident - having someone you love get hysterical because you've made some minor mistake isn't good for confidence.

If you're nervous about stalling the car, driving an automatic will make a difference. But if the gear changing comes easily to you and isn't making things worse, then you might as well stick to manual. If you pass on a manual, you can still drive an automatic, but if you pass on an automatic you have to take another test to drive a manual. Auto only makes it more expensive to rent a car, more expensive to buy unless you buy second hand. But otherwise it's a lot easier, especially driving in town.

MereDinto is spot on - both about the qualities of a good instructor and about how to make the decision between sticking with manual or changing to automatic.

YANBU at all. Not everybody has an aptitude for driving. I haven't. I did pass my driving test, but I don't drive now because even after passing I had that same feeling of not being able to remember everything/think of so many things at once, and I felt it was sensible not to do it.

Driving an automatic isn't the solution for everybody, either. As it happens, my DH has always had an automatic and I did a lot of driving practice in one (though I had my actual lessons, and passed, in a geared car). If changing gears is your biggest issue, an automatic might help. Mine was spatial awareness, especially changing lanes. I don't think it would make any difference at all for that.

You might get on better with a different instructor, I don't know. But although it always seems to be an unpopular opinion around here, I truly believe there are people who could never be entirely comfortable driving, and there's no shame in deciding that you are one.

the only downside to automatic ive found is there is a bit less choice when buying a car, but its a car, you dont change them that often, so its not a massive issue.
I think hiring one abroad too, they arent always available, but I think driving on the other side of the road is more of a deterrant than cost of hiring. I can live with that, as if I couldnt pass my test at all, i wouldnt be able to hire a car either

my spatial awareness has always been a bit crap, but actually regular driving has improved it so much. I do probably take less chances with gaps than some people though

Took me a year (maybe 45-50 lessons and two different instructors (first one I wasn't progressing with) before I passed on my second test.

I was NOT a natural. I didn't get it. But then, it happens. It clicks. Concentrating becomes much easier. And you really become a driver after you've passed and been driving a year or so. It will be automatic!

I've driven lots of miles over the past 15 years, in different countries/states too across America, Europe and I've never had an accident. (Cursed myself there, haven't I?)

But what I mean is just because you're finding it hard now doesn't mean it's not for you. It's the hard things in life that are worth doing!

Good luck.

OP, you sound exactly like me.

I understand theoretically what I need to do, but when I'm in the car, having to do it, with the pressure of time and other drivers around me I just crumble completely. Also, I find that I make one mistake and it's not the mistake itself that makes me panic, but not knowing what to do next, so I make another mistake, and then I panic...

I gave up on my lessons in early October after a particularly horrific one, and have since been trying to figure out what to do. First of all I allowed myself a break - not having that dread for my lesson each week has been lovely, and I think I needed that recovery time.

In the new year I intend to find a new instructor and possibly try learning in an automatic. (Not sure how far I'll get, though, as I'll be 6 months pregnant by then...!)

I'm also hoping to get my OH to take me out just on a quiet housing estate somewhere, so I can just get more comfortable with the basics, with someone who knows me and how my brain works.

As a last resort, I'm considering hypnotherapy to help me stay calm and concentrate.

We bought a house in a rural village with no transport last year, so I absolutely have to learn!!!