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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Depressed doesn't mean spiteful and unhelpful, does it?!

49 replies

Neverender · 11/12/2018 20:32

DH was signed off work for depression and then 'let go' with a settlement agreement.

He was very down and sleeping a lot but now seems fine, going for walks, drinks in the pub.

He said today he'd, "See you when you get home."

Got home to a cold, dark, empty house, a full washing machine and a pile of washing up. Oh, and DD to collect in the freezing rain. Massively fucked off but he's happy because he, "Went for a lovely walk, went to the pub and I'm out tonight as it's darts night."

AIBU to have had a cry (on my own after DD went to bed) and be eating dinner alone after getting up at 6am and doing a full time job? Feel like a cow but also feel utterly shit right now...

OP posts:
CottonTailRabbit · 11/12/2018 20:35

You sounds depressed.

Why didn't you send him out to get DD? Leave the housework for him to do tomorrow. When is your "darts" night out with mates?

Original poster
Neverender · 11/12/2018 20:36

He wasn't home so I had to go and collect her. It's not optional...

OP posts:
Original poster
Neverender · 11/12/2018 20:37

And I had to clean up or we would be adding more washing up to the pile of shit!

OP posts:
Original poster
Neverender · 11/12/2018 20:38

Normally I have Thursdays as I go to yoga but I've had an operation on my leg and so can't do it for a while

OP posts:
Grannyannex · 11/12/2018 20:39

If he’s at home he
Should be pulling his weight

EerieSilence · 11/12/2018 20:40

He needs a good dose of reality which is that there's no excuse for this kind of behaviour. If he can do the walk, pub and darts, he can do his part of chores.

QuizzlyBear · 11/12/2018 20:47

My DH is also suffering from depression- which seems to mean that we all are. He sleeps until the afternoon at the weekends, snaps at the kids, argues with me and has no patience for ANYTHING that isn't directly related to him.

He's stopped lifting a finger around the house or with the kids. Honestly I'm not sure which if us is more depressed about the situation at the moment, especially as he refuses to see a doctor. Envy You have all my sympathy, OP - make sure you do something just for you Wine

CSIblonde · 11/12/2018 20:57

Now he's feeling well ask him to help out more (write an achieveable list if he's clueless or needs direction) and ask him to start jobhunting. He could at the very least do daughter pick up & some household chores.

Original poster
Neverender · 11/12/2018 20:59

QuizzlyBear at least he's been to the Dr I suppose but the sertaline means he takes it every day, feels shit and then does back to bed - every day. I've found the transition from, "You're being a dick head." To, "Your unwell." Really, really hard. I'm not sure being depressed means you can do all the things you want to, and none of the things you can't be arsed to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Neverender · 11/12/2018 21:00

CSIblonde should I really write a list? Seriously? The bins were overflowing the the sink was full - it's pretty obvious to me, but I'll write one if I need to!

OP posts:
KlutzyDraconequus · 11/12/2018 21:01

write an achieveable list if he's clueless or needs direction

Or treat him like the adult human male that he is and tell him to pull his head out of his arse. .if the depression suddenly reappears because he's expected to behave like a grown up, I'd call bullshit.

Depression is a horrible illness that affects Millon's of people. They can't all just hand over the reigns and let their partners get dragged down while they do nothing but stuff they enjoy. That's not being depressed, that's being a selfish jerk off.

Original poster
Neverender · 11/12/2018 21:02

QuizzlyBear it feels like it's catching - I know it's not but the impact on my life is so negative, it's unbelievable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Neverender · 11/12/2018 21:03

Thought so...I'm going to have to go to bed soon as I have to get up again at 6am and do it all again...

OP posts:
Cherries101 · 11/12/2018 21:03

You need to be blunt with him. If he’s at home he is the house husband / stay at home dad, and as such you expect a certain amount of housework. If he can’t do that then he must use his settlement to pay for the housework to be done.

MummatoaMunchkin · 11/12/2018 21:19

What time of the day is he taking sertraline? The best time to take it is at night then you sleep through the side affects, might help with the tiredness?

As someone who is also on it i sympathise with the depression BUT if hes well enough to go to the pub (which he shouldn't be drinking on them anyway!) he is well enough to help with housework!!

MrsJamieFraser2 · 11/12/2018 21:23

I agree with MummatoaMunchkin, Sertraline really works but is best taken at night.

And he does need to pull his finger out. You're enabling him to behave like an arse.

Original poster
Neverender · 11/12/2018 21:23

He takes them in the morning and then feels awful and has to go back to bed. He says he gets a headache and heart palpitations - I can't argue as I have no idea how he feels. The leaflet says to avoid drinking until you feel ok, and he says he feels ok so, "it's fine."

OP posts:
masterandmargarita · 11/12/2018 21:27

Not something I'd happily put up with. Sounds very selfish

bridgetreilly · 11/12/2018 21:35

I'm not sure what you think he's done that's spiteful, though I totally get unhelpful. The thing is that depression often does make basic household chores seem utterly overwhelming. When I'm depressed, my house ends up completely disgusting because I live on my own, so there's no one else to pick up the pieces either. And on those days, getting dressed, getting out of the house, spending time with people really is a mammoth achievement. I get that you would much prefer him to have done the washing up, but I also totally get that it might have felt completely impossible to him to do that.

I don't know what the answer is, but I do know that it's not as simple as telling him to pull his weight. If someone had told me that when I was badly depressed, I would have just cried more.

lauryloo · 11/12/2018 21:38

Tell him to take them at night.

I take sertraline and my doc advises I do that to minimise side effects

KlutzyDraconequus · 11/12/2018 21:38

This sounds really harsh and I apologise, but it seems like he's taking you for a mug.

Everyone's different when they suffer from depression. The last thing I want to do is walk to the pub for beer when the darkness descends. Just being around the folks there would be enough to drive me further into the grimpen mire.

He should take his meds at night, be up and active in the morning as much as he can and get a solid routine in place.

For me, that means:
Up 7am
Wash, teeth, wee and downstairs by 7.15
Coffee and water till 7.45
Daughter up
Breakfast and dressed for school by 8.30
School run on foot by 8.50
Home by 9.00am

Then either excercise of a good walk or concentrate on other things like house work etc. Read a book in a quiet spot with a coffee. I refuse to go back to bed, even tho that's where I want to go.
Whatever my plan is I'll do it and be home by 2.30pm
3.00pm school run on foot.
Then it's tea, baths, bed times etc.

When I'm not darkened I don't plan or have a routine as I don't feel I need it. But when I am, I plan as much as I can and stick to it.
Unfortunately I have no one to do anything for me so have no choice but to get stuff done.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 11/12/2018 21:40

It's very convenient though that he isn't too depressed to go out drinking with his mates, but he's too depressed to pick his DD up or do any housework.

Also, sertraline has never had anywhere near such a debilitating effect upon me, or anybody else I know.

6triesbuttingout · 11/12/2018 21:42

Hi. I’ve suffered from severe depression for a number of years. All sorts of treatments, tablets etc, however when I’m in a real down I can’t even get out of bed and certainly not go to pub. I couldn’t go for walks although I believe it’s recomended. Dh very supportive but gives me 1 task a day to complete. Ie, ironing, washing up, clean bathroom. Would that work for you ? It’s a very difficult thing to live with💐

Love51 · 11/12/2018 21:45

Living with people with depression sucks. The rule in this house is that you engage with support, because you don't want to make life shit for the rest of the family. This includes compliance with medication, including not drinking. Meds can take a while to kick in, especially if you get side fxs/ timing issues but if someone is drinking on them, they aren't really trying to get better. I think the walking is a positive, loads of evidence that exercise improves mental health, socialising also helps, but does need to be balanced with the needs of other family members. Depression can make people be selfish arses. You need to have a conversation about how much he expects to achieve in a day. It might not be a lot in the early days before meds settle, but meaningful activity supports recovery, and making dinner / picking kids up / doing helpful tasks are as good meaningful activities as any!

Glitteryglitter · 11/12/2018 21:51

Another one on sertraline here and take them at night to sleep through side effects.

I respond well to a list when I'm really not feeling like facing the world, small and manageable each day so you can feel like you've acheived something but not too overwhelming that you feel you can't face it.