Depressed doesn't mean spiteful and unhelpful, does it?!

[Neverender]

DH was signed off work for depression and then 'let go' with a settlement agreement.

He was very down and sleeping a lot but now seems fine, going for walks, drinks in the pub.

He said today he'd, "See you when you get home."

Got home to a cold, dark, empty house, a full washing machine and a pile of washing up. Oh, and DD to collect in the freezing rain. Massively fucked off but he's happy because he, "Went for a lovely walk, went to the pub and I'm out tonight as it's darts night."

AIBU to have had a cry (on my own after DD went to bed) and be eating dinner alone after getting up at 6am and doing a full time job? Feel like a cow but also feel utterly shit right now...

my dh has been off work for 10 weeks and yes it's bloody annoying when he hasn't done the washing up but managed a lovely walk with a mate, and is rarely able to manage the kids alone even if I need a break.

being depressed can make you self centred and 'not see' jobs or not have the motivation to do them.

I ask for 1 thing each day, washing up, bins or whatever but he's still struggling, cancelling plans with friends.

I don't want to minimise how difficult this is for you and we only have limited information to go on but one of the strategies for getting out of depression is to do an activity, and activity you feel like doing. So you may feel able to do one activity but not another. Chores are really the activity I like to do least so really fall by the wayside but I might feel able to go for a walk. Personally I hermit when depressed so wouldn't want to go to the pub that would be overwhelming for me but everyone is different. Putting pressure on myself (or others doing that to me) to do something I don't want to do, is likely to put me back and make things harder.

In addition when "recovering" from a period of depression I can seem better but actually I am still vulnerable and finding it hard to do things. I gradually add back in activities but have to take things day by day. And keep focussed on the doing things I feel like doing model. Adding more of those in when I feel able.

The fact he is still sleeping a lot suggests to me he isn't yet well but is recovering. Rather than coming down all guns blazing as others have suggested. Could you talk to him about how he is feeling and also how you are feeling. Perhaps yuh could find a way of supporting each other better as it sounds to me as if you are starting to struggle too

My DH and I have been through some very difficult times recently and have both been struggling with our mental health and we have had to learn to find a way to support each other.

If you start pushing him to go more and being angry this could cause him to relapse when it sounds as if he is getting better. And that won't help either of you.

Of course it is different nfor everyone, but I have been on sertraline for about 18 months now and have no issues at all, I take them in the morning. Prior to that I was on citalopram for about 4 years, only side effects I had there was a really dry mouth and the odd 'brain zap' if I missed a dose. 🤔

So he was a dickhead then got diagnosed as depressed, is still a dickhead just a different kind of dickhead but you feel you can't call him out for being a dickhead because of The Diagnosis.

Your mental health is as valuable as his you know.

Ooh hard one. When depressed it can be really difficult to do anything productive. Perhaps the walks and pub are the only thing he feels able to do easily. Sounds like he's hiding a bit through escapism.

All this is quite normal depression behaviour but you are within your rights to ask him to do stuff around the house---or phrase it within a conversation about how he is doing in general? I'd be prepared for a defensive reaction but that doesnt mean you shouldnt bring it up.

I always say with depression-- have increased understanding and compassion but treat people normally otherwise they can unknowingly wallow or play on it. I say this as a long term depression sufferer so I know all the tricks and tendencies. Sometimes a kick up the bum is what is needed.

Does it have to be sertraline? I m on fluoxetrine and it really helps. I m not awful to live with, I work and I do my share of household chores.
Maybe he should talk to his doctor if it's not working although having been really depressed going to the pub to meet friends would have been impossible for me as I had no energy.

It's really tough living with someone with depression, i feel like it makes you....depressed. Honestly, i do. I feel like the one who puts their hand up first to say they're depressed gets to be the patient but the whole family end up with depression. I know that's a mean thing to say and that it's an illness but living with a depressed person is hard.

Tell me OP, would your reaction be the same if he was on medication and let go from work because of a physical illness?

Should have just left the stuff for him to clear up and it's aftermath if need be. It will still be there tomorrow.

My DH has six months off work with depression. He had the best support from the company occupational health doctor, mixture of tough love and practical help.
It was partly connected to work issues, and every time he applied for a different job in the company to move from his area he was interviewed by the same people and kicked back. It's difficult to interview well under those circumstances.
The doctor told him that the majority of people having that long off work never work again, and asked if he was prepared for that.
(Can't remember the statistic he quoted and for all I know it may have been made up). But it really rattled DH. The doctor also arranged for him to have a phased return to work in a completely different area, different location. He has stayed there and done really well as he would have done if he hadn't kept being kicked back by the interviews.
The company actually changed some of their policies regarding time off sick for work related stress, for the better, around then, we thought probably as a result of DH's case.
But it's harder for your DH as he has been let go and hasn't got that support. He needs to motivate himself to start looking for another job and that is difficult for him.
On the other hand when DH was depressed he didn't want to do things he liked either. I would suggest he go for some long walks with the dog and get fresh air, sunlight, exercise to cheer himself up but he wouldn't.
So I sympathise with your querying why he is happy enough to do things he likes but not those that he doesn't.
The problem is that as with so many things like this it has to come from within - he has to want to do it. Even genuine concern and gentle hints like "this looks like a job you'd really enjoy " are taken as nagging.
So you have my sympathy but I've not got any good advice I'm afraid. Maybe you can track down a statistic about never getting back to work and have a tough love talk like the Dr did with my DH, it really did motivate him.

raspberry that's a good point. Physical illness is easier to feel sympathy for. I've been both the depressed person and now the support to a depressed person. Both sides of the coin are just awful. I suppose as the ill person is getting better you think oh good you can get on with your share now but they're not as well as they seem. It's the convalescent stage that is confusing i think.

Good post, Love51.

Obviously the dh isn't pulling his weight/being a pain - because he has depression! If he were leaping about doing all the housework and childcare then he wouldn't be off work as he wouldn't be depressed!

On most threads where the OP claims MH issues, posters are falling over themselves to tell the OP to take care of herself first, yet when it's the dh, he's a lazy bastard who needs a kick up the bum.

That being said, depression/MH is not a licence to behave how you like, imo. I think too much rope is given to a lot of people and then it impacts negatively on those around them. That's why I think it is right to have a frank conversation asking the dh to do his best to do something for the household every day, whatever that is.

It means exactly that with me. But I'm on my own so there's no other fucker to be nice to the kids or do the cleaning so I get on with it. Any adult in my vicinity though and all bets are off. Which I know is not good, but it is what it is. I can't stop it when it starts and if I try I start seeing and hearing things so I stopped trying. I can always find it in me to be good to the children though.

If it were a physical illness then I probably would have more certainty in how long he was likely to be unwell/his limitations and that would be a lot easier to cope with.

As it is he is choosing (it seems) what he will and won't do and every time I think he's getting better he then gets worse. I've not been unsympathetic totally - he's been off work for about 10 weeks but it does become something different when he is prepared to work hard in doing the things he wants (he's joined a gym), but he refuses to wash up. It's really hard...and not just for him.

every time I think he's getting better he then gets worse

Is there a correlation between him getting worse and you asking him to do things?
"Sorry love, I just can't bring myself.to put a load of washing in, but I can have a wander and go to the pub this afternoon"

Re: the gym - I think this is to be encouraged.
I used to do medical interviews for an insurance company and must have spoken to 000's re time off work for stress/depression. Just two told me their Dr's gave them tough love and told them to get off the sofa and go to the gym and both were very happy it had really helped and they were grateful to their Dr's.
Far too many people being dished out antidepressants inappropriately imo.
Exercise is proven to give a boost.
It might seem annoying when he won't do other stuff but I definitely think you should encourage the gym. It may improve his general motivation in other areas too hopefully.

Well I live on my own so it's a little different but that's what my depression is like.

Everyday tasks are very difficult to do and lists overwhelm me. I can go to the pub though, not any pub but one which I feel is a safe space for me.

I take sertraline - tapering off it at the moment. Didn’t get on with taking it at night as it gave me twitchy legs and awful nightmares. Morning was better for me.

Sympathies with the OP - being a partner to a depressed person is tough. I don’t think you’re unreasonable asking for basic house maintenance and cleaning to be done. Maybe you could broach it as you’re concerned partner is neglecting their self care in letting the house slide and you’re worried about the impact of such an environment on their mood.

I have been depressed before and neglecting house jobs absolutely made me worse, even though doing them took great effort.

I was a morning Sertraline person too, for the same reasons as tirisfalpumpkin above.
But I found that if I took it with some food I could avoid the headache.

t's very convenient though that he isn't too depressed to go out drinking with his mates, but he's too depressed to pick his DD up or do any housework

I agree with this, also alcohol is a depressant so he should not be touching the stuff at all, what is the point of being on antidepressants and then going out and consuming a depressant.

Do you have anyone to support you OP? You need help and someone to ease your load too, your MH will be vulnerable in this set up.

@Lookatyourwatchnow

"Also, sertraline has never had anywhere near such a debilitating effect upon me, or anybody else I know."

I found it pretty debilitating. Had to switch to something else in the end.

You need support op. Look up "depression fallout "
Go to.gp
Ask for nhs counselling for you
Maybe some sessions together
Set your boundaries.
Do nice things for you and dd .

Get the book I had a black dog by Michael.johnstone read with your dh and talk about it also good for dd too

But don't be afraid to make some asks.

Also a list might help, but keep it brief or it might seem overwhelming. But ticking things off and perhaps getting a sense of achievement from that might help him?

We're all different though. For me a bad sign of how I was doing mentally was if I started scrubbing out the kitchen cupboards at 10pm...

Too depressed to do house hold chores? So if you weren't around would he simply abandon his parental and family duties and let the house and kids fester?