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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think dd(11) isn't bullying?

48 replies

upsideup · 11/12/2018 19:53

Dd is 11 and in year 7. Lots of her friends from out of school went to the senior school shes at now and she already knew some kids in the older years but only two girls from her primary are there.
She was never that close with either of them but it was a small school so everyone kind of had to be friends. She doesn't dislike them and will always be friendly but just doesn't think they would ever be proper friends and already has close friends she's rather be with.
They don't seem to want to let go of her or for her to hang out with anyone else though, they still go and find her with her friends to try and get her to leave with them or just stand awkwardly near by while dd tries her best to include them. They've made no effort to make friends with any of these people themselves as in if dd isn't there they will just ignore the other friends even if they all ended up sitting together at lunch the same day but are still expecting dd to get them invited to their new years eve party.

Also my friends son is in Y10, dd knows him well enough to say hi when he's in the corridor and to sometimes stop and have a chat. They both keep asking her to get them all to hang out with him and his friends, she's explained he's just a family friends and him and his mates don't want to be introduced and hang out with random Y7 girls. Every two weeks or so when he's coming round our house anyway he offers to bring dd home on the train and sometimes takes her to the skate park after. Every time this happens they ask to be invited and get annoyed with her when she says no.

DD has told me a few times that's she's finding them both quite stressful and that they are making her uncomfortable and I have encouraged her to say no when she doesn't want to do something but to make sure she isn't mean. Tonight one of the girls mum has messaged me though it seems to be on on behalf of the other girl as well accusing dd of bullying and excluding them. She thinks the 'name of primary school' girls should all stick together and that dd has got lost in making and pleasing new friends.

I have no idea what I'm going to reply but AIBU to think this isn't bullying and that dd shouldn't be expected to be friends and include other just because they went to the same primary school?

OP posts:

ItsClemFandangoCanYouHearMe · 11/12/2018 19:56

If your DD has been nice but firm then she's doing nothing wrong. She can't be expected to be friends with people, it's her choice.

Don't know what to say to the mum though, that's a tricky one!

LEMtheoriginal · 11/12/2018 19:59

Maybe these girls aren't as confident as your dd.

Original poster

upsideup · 11/12/2018 20:08

DD actually isn't confident, maybe they aren't either but does that change if its bullying or not?

OP posts:

CrazyOldBagLady · 11/12/2018 20:10

From what you have written, this is not bullying. It sounds like your daughter has tried to be nice and actually quite inclusive on the whole. I think over time the other girls will settle in and get to know their own friends. As for the mother, I would just tell her that you can't force your daughter to be good friends with anyone, and she is allowed to develop her own social circles, and you don't therefore think there is anything amiss with what's happening. She can then choose to go and speak to the school if she wants, but let her know you won't be intervening.

LEMtheoriginal · 11/12/2018 20:11

If its a group excluding others then that is bullying. Not wanting to hang out with a couple of girls? Not bullying. In fact in your shoes id keep a close eye because they could gang up on yoir dd

WallisFrizz · 11/12/2018 20:11

Don’t reply to the message. Have a word with their form tutor...she may have some more insight into what’s going on or maybe able to keep an eye on the situation/integrate the other other girls with different pupils.

Mookatron · 11/12/2018 20:12

I would say something along the lines of 'I'll talk to DD but I really think we're in for a rough ride if we're going to get involved with the girls' friendship ups and downs' - better than that though but she really needs to butt out.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 11/12/2018 20:12

I'd probably just summarise what you've said here - they are asking your daughter to hang around with year 10 lads who have declined, there isn't much she can do, she is making other friends as well and that's OK but of course if she is being mean you will speak to her - ask for specific examples so you can speak to her about what to do differently. There shouldn't be any given what you've said.

Or maybe suggest you all get together for a chat as you are getting a different story and if you're all in the same room maybe you'll be able to get to the bottom of it

Racecardriver · 11/12/2018 20:13

Just don’t engage. At her age she should sort this out herself.

SalmonLeBon · 11/12/2018 20:13

This is why I am so glad my DS is going to a secondary where not one single one of his current year group will be going.

I cannot see how this is bullying. But I would suggest to the other mother that if she has a complaint to make about your Dd's behaviour that she takes it up with the school.

Caselgarcia · 11/12/2018 20:14

It's absolutely not bullying them. Could you just make light of it and reply in general sort of way, 'sorry to here xxx isnt happy at new school, I'm sure she'll make new friends given time'

BumsexAtTheBingo · 11/12/2018 20:14

Well what it have said isn’t bullying but I’d be aware you may not know the full story.

bastardkitty · 11/12/2018 20:17

I would also ignore the message. Your DD is not bullying. She has a right to choose her own friends.

IncomingCannonFire · 11/12/2018 20:19

You're daughter seems lovely but I would be quite concerned this mother is getting involved. I very much hope she doesn't give her dd ideas to start excluding or bullying your own dd, iyswim.
I would let your dd know you support her and consider whether you are prepared to humour these girls with a playdate? They sound like pains in the arse though.

Bluntness100 · 11/12/2018 20:19

Just respond and say "Its so tough moving to secondary isn't it, I know dd thinks the world of them and she tries to include all her friends in her group where possible, as they all try to find their way"

And leave it there. Obviously the other girls are struggling to integrate,

Jeezoh · 11/12/2018 20:22

I’d reply along the lines of “I’m sorry to hear your DD is unhappy but I’m afraid my DD has explained what’s been happening very differently. Probably best if you speak to the school to get to the bottom of it all, rather than us taking the words of children as gospel”

GreenTulips · 11/12/2018 20:26

I'd also say 'Hi as they are now at Senior school I have encouraged DD to make new friends and take all opportunites that come her way, I'm sure we all want our daughters to expand their friendship groups. As they are now in senior school I doubt they'd want our input.

Thanks for your concern but I'm more than happy she's settled and making new friends.

Leave it - don't get into the ins and outs of what's happening

NotTerfNorCis · 11/12/2018 20:30

I could understand it if it was just one girl who was feeling excluded, but if there's a couple, can't they be friends with each other?

11/12 is a nasty age for girls though. The way they treat one another sometimes is horrendous.

BlueJava · 11/12/2018 20:32

From what you have written it's not bullying - however this is the story from one side. I don't think it would hurt to check out their side of the story. Then you can either talk to DD if appropriate or say to the mum it's not bullying (and why).

agnurse · 11/12/2018 20:36

For goodness sakes, what happens if the girls end up in different classes down the road? If they "stick together" they won't have any other friends!

I don't see any bullying going on here. I rather suspect that the girl who got her mum involved is jealous and wants to make trouble.

It's not your DD's job to ensure that these girls have friends at school. If they are not fitting in with their yearmates that is THEIR problem, not hers.

BookwormMe · 11/12/2018 20:36

Personally I would want to respond to defend my DD from being called a bully! I would reply with: "I'm sorry to hear this. However, my DD's version is very different. Just because the girls went to the same primary doesn't mean they must remain in each other's pockets at secondary. Expanding friendship groups is an important part of growing up and your DD might settle in more if you encourage her to make new friends as well. They're 11 now - too old for us to dictate who they hang out with!"

YouTheCat · 11/12/2018 20:39

What BookwormMe said sounds spot on.

HappyStripper · 11/12/2018 20:41

I’d strongly doubt that what your DD is claiming is 100% accurate. Year 7 is right around when this stuff starts and I’d look into it more if I was you rather than immediately dismissing it. What you’ve described is definitely not bullying, but that’s only what your DD is telling you.

jarhead123 · 11/12/2018 20:44

I'd bear in mind you probably don't have the full story....

BUT from what you've said she isn't bullying them.

BookwormMe · 11/12/2018 20:45

I'd agree, HappyStripper, except the DD has already spoken to OP saying she felt stressed out by their constant presence and the pressure they're putting her under. More likely she's snapped at them as a result of that – and who can blame her, frankly, as they sound really annoying – and the other girl's mum is now using it as a "bullying" stick to beat her with.

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