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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think dd(11) isn't bullying?

48 replies

upsideup · 11/12/2018 19:53

Dd is 11 and in year 7. Lots of her friends from out of school went to the senior school shes at now and she already knew some kids in the older years but only two girls from her primary are there.
She was never that close with either of them but it was a small school so everyone kind of had to be friends. She doesn't dislike them and will always be friendly but just doesn't think they would ever be proper friends and already has close friends she's rather be with.
They don't seem to want to let go of her or for her to hang out with anyone else though, they still go and find her with her friends to try and get her to leave with them or just stand awkwardly near by while dd tries her best to include them. They've made no effort to make friends with any of these people themselves as in if dd isn't there they will just ignore the other friends even if they all ended up sitting together at lunch the same day but are still expecting dd to get them invited to their new years eve party.

Also my friends son is in Y10, dd knows him well enough to say hi when he's in the corridor and to sometimes stop and have a chat. They both keep asking her to get them all to hang out with him and his friends, she's explained he's just a family friends and him and his mates don't want to be introduced and hang out with random Y7 girls. Every two weeks or so when he's coming round our house anyway he offers to bring dd home on the train and sometimes takes her to the skate park after. Every time this happens they ask to be invited and get annoyed with her when she says no.

DD has told me a few times that's she's finding them both quite stressful and that they are making her uncomfortable and I have encouraged her to say no when she doesn't want to do something but to make sure she isn't mean. Tonight one of the girls mum has messaged me though it seems to be on on behalf of the other girl as well accusing dd of bullying and excluding them. She thinks the 'name of primary school' girls should all stick together and that dd has got lost in making and pleasing new friends.

I have no idea what I'm going to reply but AIBU to think this isn't bullying and that dd shouldn't be expected to be friends and include other just because they went to the same primary school?

OP posts:

Scardanelli · 11/12/2018 20:50

All I know is that all Y7 girls are capable of being foul, and it continues well beyond Y7. If I only ever believed my DD’s version of anything, she would be sanctified. Fortunately, I don’t. She can be lovely, kind, inclusive etc, and she can be horrid.

I wouldn’t take your DD’s word for much, OP. But nor would I engage with this kind of thing from another parent, once the DC get to secondary school. I would send a banal reply along the lines of “I will have a word with DD”. I would then have a word with her, and tell her to make sure she treats others kindly. Then I’d leave it.

LeeRoar · 11/12/2018 20:52

What rubbish. What does this mother think she'll achieve by interfering and getting you to force DD to be friends with these girls. Most people I know when they got to secondary school broke away from original friend groups and didn't really hang out with primary school mates anymore. I get your DD doesn't want to hurt their feelings, but she has to be firm before it becomes more of an issue. Young girls (myself included at that age) can often make a drama out of nothing.

happyclutterchucker · 11/12/2018 20:54

One of the first things that happens at secondary school is that there is a big shake-up of friendship groups.

She's not bullying them or excluding them, she has just made new friends now.

SoaringSwallow · 11/12/2018 21:00

I'd suggest that if she feels it's getting out of hand she/her daughter raise it with the school as you're not there to see what's going on. And then some generic "it's hard to watch them find their places in a bigger school but at least we have intelligent DDs so I'm sure they'll figure it out."

And I'd preemptively email the tutor to double check how they think your DD is settling in and getting on with peers.

cigarettessuffragettesandboys · 11/12/2018 21:04

What you have written paints your daughter out to be incredibly sweet and innocent and suggests that she has bent over backwards to accommodate these two ungrateful girls. I would be inclined to think there’s a bit more to this story.

Obviously I could be wrong but it seems unlikely that if your daughter has been this kind yet the girls would still go complaining to their mums about it.

I would think very carefully before you reply and keep as diplomatic as possible just in case anything incriminating comes up about your daughter later. Obviously still explain that your daughter has a right to chose her own friends but keep it neutral rather than rising to any confrontation.

Sethis · 11/12/2018 21:12

"Oh my child couldn't possibly be a bully"

Said the parents of every bully, ever. Sorry.

That notwithstanding, it's an awkward situation to begin with and kids that age aren't always great at dealing with it.

If you're going to reply to the email, be polite, be civil, and say that of course your DD is trying to be nice, but secondary school is also a chance to expand beyond the people they knew in Primary. A bigger group of people is a chance to find others who share the same interests and personalities. Best if they treat their classmates from Primary as a very basic beginning to a social life to grow from rather than the outer limits to one.

agnurse · 11/12/2018 21:15

It's an excellent point that OP doesn't have the full story. OTOH, the mum who called her states that she thinks the three girls should "stick together" just because they came from the same primary school. To me that's not on.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 11/12/2018 21:17

If your dd does not want to be friends with them, thats fine, just allow her to let the friendship fizzle out nicely , you cant force her to be friends with anyone shes not.

YANBU

BookwormMe · 11/12/2018 21:19

Some of the responses here disturb me. Why are people so quick to assume girls at secondary school/teenagers are bitchy and/or bullies and that the DD must be lying or at least not telling the full story? Had the OP had posted about her son having issues with two pushy male friends trying to dictate what he did at school and who he hung around with, I suspect PP wouldn't be so quick to condemn him. Teenage girls get such a bad rap!

cigarettessuffragettesandboys · 11/12/2018 21:25

Bookworm - male or female I don’t know any child of this age that would go home and detail exactly what they’d done wrong in this scenario. It’s absolutely nothing to do with her being female.

Crossfitgirl · 11/12/2018 21:29

I would ask to chat to the mum in person rather than over text. I would want to hear the other girls' side of the story at least, so then you have all the information before deciding what to do.

BookwormMe · 11/12/2018 21:29

cigarettessuffragettesandboys She hasn't come home tonight and unloaded in response to the other mum's text though – she's been talking to OP about it for weeks. It's been a build up of experiences.

I do get what you're saying about boys and maybe that was the wrong comparison. I just think it's sad girls of this age are always considered bitchy and likely to bully.

Scardanelli · 11/12/2018 21:30

Agree with Cigarette. I have boys and girls, and they would all paint themselves to be whiter than white. I wouldn’t believe any of them.

ThatsWotSheSaid · 11/12/2018 21:37

If this mother genuinely thinks your dd is bullying hers then why is she wanting them to ‘stick together’.
Sounds like social climbers to me.

Scardanelli · 11/12/2018 21:43

Bit lost by the “social climbers” point... unless I have missed some kind of class-related thing going on...

itswinetime · 11/12/2018 21:45

I would say what you have said here dd already knew/was close to a lot of these people before and as far as you are aware she has been trying to balance both groups as best she can but it is difficult at times. You encourage her to have a big friendship group and want her to mix as much as possible. However if they have any examples of times they feel you dd has been mean or excluded the 2 girls please let you know you that you can deal with it appropriately.

Depending on what they say in return then you can decide what if anything you need to do.

Petalflowers · 11/12/2018 21:47

Staying with ‘primary school friends’ is fine in the first few days, when you are all newbies. However, three months down the line, it’s actually quite unusual for primary school friendships to be so tight knitted.

I don’t think you should ignore the accusation of bullying, and reply saying how in senior school, your dd’s friendship group has expanded beyound primary school friendship groups.

GimmeGimmeHellYeah · 11/12/2018 21:53

I knew it was you before I even looked at the username.

Cherrysherbet · 11/12/2018 21:57

No, it isn’t bullying.

tolerable · 11/12/2018 22:06

youre very involved. i'm judging.

HildegardVonBlingen · 11/12/2018 22:12

OP, are you by any chance one of Those Parents who can see no wrong in their children?

abacucat · 11/12/2018 22:24

I too am concerned about the posters painting all teenage girls as bitchy and mean. That simply is not true.

Sillybilly1234 · 11/12/2018 22:43

Don't waste your time talking to the school. This happened to my daughter and when I asked the school to speak to the girl I got a lecture on how I should teach my daughter to be tolerant.

I feel your pain but have no answers. It went on for about 2 years before the girls sorted it out themselves.

Good luck.

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