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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp and his birthday

30 replies

octoberbaby2010 · 10/12/2018 23:06

Aibu to ask my partner to choose a birthday present and I will get it for him? Or should I get him a surprise?
FWIW we haven't been getting on, splitting up is on the cards, his wages go into his bank and he draws some out when/if I need it, I'm a SAHM with no income of my own other than child benefit which goes mainly on my dd, x tia x

OP posts:
AllRoadsLeadBackToRadley · 10/12/2018 23:08

With respect, you may have more to worry about here than a birthday gift.

Does he contribute to the DC expenses?

Original poster
octoberbaby2010 · 10/12/2018 23:08

Also fwiw he will be 33 years and i have no idea on what to get for him x

OP posts:
Original poster
octoberbaby2010 · 10/12/2018 23:09

Yes he does, the money is there when I need it, he pays for everything it's just the fact I have to say- can I get this or we need this or can you leave x amount so i can get that, I can't just go to the bank myself if you see what I mean xx

OP posts:
Original poster
octoberbaby2010 · 11/12/2018 00:12

Hopeful bump

OP posts:
Picknickers · 11/12/2018 01:33

He sounds like he's controlling you financially. My first husband did this. The first of many subtle ways of control which ramped up to an intolerable level. I would say to him that as you'll have to ask for money for his birthday present, why doesn't he buy himself something he really wants. Then you can't get it wrong!

thesepretzelsaremakingmehungry · 11/12/2018 02:23

Oh so he financially abuses you. You should split up. You don't deserve that.

CrispbuttyNo1 · 11/12/2018 02:33

It’s not financial abuse if he gives her whatever money she asks for. Confused

morethanaword · 11/12/2018 02:47

I think if you’re on the verge of splitting up, it’s best if you deal with your marital and family life first before any presents.

Notnowok · 11/12/2018 02:51

It is considered financially abusive now for one half of a couple to have control of the household income to the extent that the SAHP has to ask for money.
At my first court appearance my financially abusive stbxh was made to transfer double the amount of money he gave me weekly ( I had to ask every week or he would forget ) make it a standing order and back pay the increase by one month. It is financially abusive to hide income pension insurance etc from your partner. It is financially abusive for income to be controlled by one person.
So yes, it is financially abusive to force a partner to ask for money! I didn't know this until I started divorce proceedings.
It deprives the SAHP from autonomy and renders them subservient.
Divorcing a very smart chatered accountant was eye opening for me.
Op stop him having full control like that.
My ex would give me £1000/£2000 for xmas if I didnt spend it all on his January birthday he would go mental. Be careful this is all about control.

thesepretzelsaremakingmehungry · 11/12/2018 04:17

@CrispbuttyNo1 yes actually, it is. She's not a child being given pocket money. He's controlling the family income and her access to it.

M4J4 · 11/12/2018 06:42

Don't get him a present but do leave him.

What is the housing situation? Do you both own it or are you renting?

Original poster
octoberbaby2010 · 11/12/2018 09:58

Oh gosh!! I didn't expect these replies, i thought because I can ask whenever that was normal 😳

OP posts:
Original poster
octoberbaby2010 · 11/12/2018 09:59

Both own the house, he put the deposit down and I've been a SAHM since we moved in, i feel it's more his house because I haven't put any money into it xx

OP posts:
ciderhouserules · 11/12/2018 10:02

OP - you need legal, financial advice. If you are not married, you are on really shaky ground when it comes to finances.

He will be liable for maintenance for the dc, but not necessarily for you. And 'I feel it's more his house' doesn't stack up legally.

KNOW what is yours and Get what you are owed when/if you split.

WorraLiberty · 11/12/2018 10:04

Forget the present

You need to get back to work from the sound of it.

You're a partnership. You're saving you both a lot of money in childcare and no doubt saving him a lot of time/effort, in not having to pick up as much slack with housework/cooking etc once he's finished work.

If he doesn't appreciate that and makes you ask him for some of that saved money, then you need to get back to work.

Original poster
octoberbaby2010 · 11/12/2018 12:45

Thankyou for your replies, maybe I need to re think this, going back to work isn't an option, my wage wouldn't cover childcare and I don't want to work whilst I have a young baby xx

OP posts:
Smarshian · 11/12/2018 12:50

Your wage would cover your half of the childcare I imagine! If you don't want to return at the moment that's fine. Don't allow yourself to be treated as second class because you are not earning though!

Usernumbers1234 · 11/12/2018 12:53

Not financial abuse Pretzel, doesn’t involve any of the below actions. She asks, he gives, it’s just logistics of accessing it. There’s no begging, there’s no limitation on what OP does.

Economic abuse in a domestic situation may involve:

preventing a spouse from resource acquisition, such as restricting their ability to find employment, maintain or advance their careers, and acquire assets
preventing the victim from obtaining education
spend victim's money without his or her consent and creating debt, or completely spend victim's savings to limit available resources
exploiting economic resources of the victim[1][2][3]
In its extreme (and usual) form, this involves putting the victim on a strict "allowance", withholding money at will and forcing the victim to beg for the money until the abuser gives the victim some money. It is common for the victim to receive less and less money as the abuse continues. This also includes (but is not limited to) preventing the victim from finishing education or obtaining employment, or intentionally squandering or misusing communal resources.[5]

thesepretzelsaremakingmehungry · 11/12/2018 12:55

See @Notnowok's post.

Usernumbers1234 · 11/12/2018 13:04

I have, it presents a very different situation to the one OP did.

OP is not being “forced to ask for money” she just asks. Now if OP had said “I’ve asked for a bank card but he has refused” that would be a different story, but that hasn’t happened.

Original poster
octoberbaby2010 · 11/12/2018 13:13

I've been asking for a joint account for several months he hasn't got " round " to Doing it yet x

OP posts:
thesepretzelsaremakingmehungry · 11/12/2018 13:15

can I get this or we need this or can you leave x amount so i can get that, I can't just go to the bank myself if you see what I mean

What about this isn't the op being forced to ask for money? She's clearly said she can't go to the bank herself and access money.

@Notnowok said

It is financially abusive for income to be controlled by one person.
It deprives the SAHP from autonomy and renders them subservient.

Usernumbers1234 · 11/12/2018 13:59

yeah maybe I’m coming around to your point of view having read some lengthier definitions on refuge’s site.

I still think in OPs case it’s very low level if it is financial abuse at this stage. OP should ask for a bank card and access to the account and if that’s declined then it is definitely abuse, I’m just not sure she’s at that stage yet.

So far it just reads like the logistics of how they operate the household bank account and OP has slipped into this way of doing things and never asked if it can be done a different way so she isn’t going cap in hand to do the weekly shop.

And OP, having reread your post. The house is just as much yours as his, so forget that thinking he wouldn’t have been earning to pay the deposit without you.

R3b3kah · 11/12/2018 14:04

I had every intention to reply to the poster....

But FFS financial abuse???
He works and pays for everything, and gives money when it’s needed. Why are some people so quick to jump and accuse of abuse?

I would concentrate on weather you are going to make it work, rather than weather to buy a birthday present

masterandmargarita · 11/12/2018 14:08

You should have complete access to the family money without having to ask. It's your money too.

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