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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Reading homework EVERY night

55 replies

GingerSwan · 10/12/2018 21:23

My DS is in year 1 (so 6yrs old) and lives between 3 houses. Mine, dads and grandparents. This is dictated by a child arrangement order.

I don’t know about other schools but in my DS’s school they have to fill in a reading log every single night and have two lots of English/Maths homework a week.

I think it’s a lot but when he’s here at home it’s doable, however his grandparents don’t do it with him. They’ve been told time and time but I can’t physically force them.

The teacher is getting more and more agitated about the reading not being done some nights a week. I’ve contacted school twice now to inform them of the situation and they appeared understanding, but the reading log is still getting more entries about this than about the quality of his reading.

It started off “Please remember to read every night if you can Smile” which feels friendly and reasonable but now it’s “Remember to read EVERY night!!” (Double underlined as well)

I just find it really passive aggressive at this point, I know it’s frustrating for her but I cannot do anything to change it except tell them repeatedly which I do and they aren’t even my parents.

I have severe anxiety which the school is aware of and I’ve had support meetings etc. And my poor DS has dealt with a lot of deaths close to him lately and was struggling to concentrate so I contacted the school regarding that too. They know it’s hard at home at the minute. I’m finding the notes to be upsetting now even if the teacher thinks they’re nothing here nor there

I know I’m being sensitive but AIBU? I’ve popped a note in for her to read tomorrow saying to contact me if there’s any problems Blush

OP posts:
llangennith · 10/12/2018 22:32

DGS was staying at mine at least two nights a week when he was in Reception and Yr1. We all filled in the reading log with 'read well' and 'lots of expression' whether or not he'd read that evening.He's Y6 now and top scores in all SATS subjects.
Your DS's School needs to be told quite firmly to back off with the remarks in his reading log.

Julianaa · 10/12/2018 22:32

If the grandparents are in lcoo parentis in those nights then the teacher needs to be contacting them if she has an issue with homework not done.

I'm a secondary English teacher with DcCs aged 7 and 10 and a firm believer in reading. If the GPs are not reading with DS but are interacting with him - talking, playing a board or card game, taking him for a walk or on the swings or kicking a football etc., singing a song, letting him help with cooking and chores like setting the table, helping with laundry, etc. then he is absolutely fine. The teacher runs the risk of "turning him off" reading if she is turning it into a chore. In her defence, this is probably directed by her line manager/Head rather than a personal vendetta.

Can you and DS' father do a bit of extra reading on your days?

pasbeaucoupdegendarme · 10/12/2018 22:34

I would read the comments as a criticism to those who don’t read with him, not of you.

In the reading log, when he is with you back date days he hasn’t read and just write (for eg)

10th Dec - with grandparents
11th Dec - Flop Fucks It Up Again - to page 8. Well read!

etc.... That way you have a really cheat record of who he’s with when, and who’s reading.

I’m a primary teacher and I have a pretty firm grasp of where my pupils are living and who reads with them/who lets it slip.

Purpleartichoke · 10/12/2018 22:42

If they aren’t reading with him and you can’t change the arrangement, I would do extra reading time on days he is with you. Those extra reading minutes do really make a difference in school success.

CherryPavlova · 10/12/2018 22:48

What an odd arrangement for such a young child. He needs to be supported to develop good reading skills and other academic achievements as he’s already starting out with significant disadvantage.

Can you not go back to court and ask for arrangements to be amended to give him greater stability.

Original poster
GingerSwan · 10/12/2018 23:58

Not to go into too much detail with the court stuff but DS lived between me and GPs 50/50 their whole life but recently dad wanted separate access which he’s legally entitled to and in court it was decided not to suddenly cut off GPs contact so it’s being eased away... if that makes sense Smile They get less and dad gets more until eventually it will just be me and dad, and he’ll take DS for visits/sleepovers

I like the idea of doing extra reading and marking down where he is on what day, thank you! I’ll also contact the teacher themselves as my other contact has been with the office and support person

OP posts:
Original poster
GingerSwan · 11/12/2018 00:01

Just to add he is a very good reader and I hope to support his development with this as best I can Smile

OP posts:
Kokeshi123 · 11/12/2018 00:02

Sounds like there is a bit of a breakdown in communications here.

The teacher needs to know about the child's unusual home situation. They also need the contact details of the other people who have charge of this child. It shouldn't all be up to you!

The grandparents need a rocket up their arses. If they can't be bothered doing homework/reading then they shouldn't be getting visitation rights. This situation is only going to get more severe as the years go on.

raspberryTrousers · 11/12/2018 15:37

Whether you are anxious or not, children reading with an adult every night is a massive marker of future success in school.

Children who read and are read to tend to flourish while those who are left to languish tend to struggle.

You can make excuses or pass the buck but it's time to woman up.

NotANotMan · 11/12/2018 15:41

If you haven't explained it directly to the class teacher then they probably don't get it! Make an appointment and explain properly.
Can you video call D.C. while they are at dad's? They could read to you over the phone.

NotANotMan · 11/12/2018 15:42

@raspberryTrousers how is that helpful? How can she influence what other people do when they have court ordered contact with the child? Hmm

UhUhUhDennis · 11/12/2018 15:42

What a shame for the grandparents having their grandchild 50% of the time down to nothing. Sad. Your poor son. Honestly fuck the reading log just clearly say stop bothering me about the reading log,he reads every night he's with me and he has XYZ going on at the moment and he is 6 years old - CHILL OUT. Obviously not those words but something similar.

arethereanyleftatall · 11/12/2018 15:49

I would do double with him on my night, and just tick the box on the gps night anyway.

masterandmargarita · 11/12/2018 16:16

Bangingchoos - what's this about 'taking back the power' of the reading log? Surely reading every night is a good thing?

Original poster
GingerSwan · 11/12/2018 18:47

@raspberryTrousers He is one of the top readers in the class so he certainly isn’t struggling Blush My anxiety is set off by the passive aggressive tone of the notes I think you misunderstood the original post

OP posts:
raspberryTrousers · 12/12/2018 05:10

I'm glad she isn't struggling. I did say 'tend' as there will always be exceptions to the rule.

"He is one of the top readers in the class"

Aren't they all.

Deadbudgie · 12/12/2018 05:54

I would suggest going back to court and sorting out the access position between the families. Your family most of the timeDH/his family every Wednesday and every other weekend or something. The 6year old needs more stability. An adult couldn’t cope with this arrangement. What were the court thinking?? FWIW we pushed back on a lot of the homework reading in reception and to an extent in year 1 as ds was having intensive speech therapy due to multiple speech issues so a lot of time was taken up with this and the associated homework. But now in year 2 we have the capacity to do the reading and homework and it’s amazing the change in ability in one term with the extra help at home so the GP and dad need to either step up or let him spend more time with you.

NotANotMan · 12/12/2018 07:25

I would suggest going back to court and sorting out the access position between the families

Hmm

The court has decided the contact arrangements. The OP can't just 'go back to court' and change them.

BehemothPullsThePeasantsPlough · 12/12/2018 07:38

I think the grandparents need a meeting in school with the teacher. Ideally all 4 of you, but just them would be fine too.

ZoeWashburne · 12/12/2018 08:17

So you are saying that it used to be contact between you and GP, then Father wanted access, so the court gave him access, and you are splitting the remaining time with GP, father and you? Or did the court mandate that GP have part of the visitation as well? If GP aren't court mandated, I would suggest you drop back GP visits.

I think it's time you, father and GP sat down together and agree that homework gets done.

Three houses during the week is just a nightmare.

the court has decided the contact arrangements. The OP can't just 'go back to court' and change them.
You absolutely can. It is called varying a contact order. When circumstances change or present unreasonable you can go back to court or mediation. 3 houses a week for a child is completely unreasonable and proving to be unworkable. I would suggest the OP sits down with the GP and Father and try to hash it out between the 3 of them. Homework not being done is just a part of a wider picture where 4 adults are making decisions about a child and they are conflicting.

SnuggyBuggy · 12/12/2018 08:23

If all these people are good enough for your child to live with then they are good enough for the school to contact

NotANotMan · 12/12/2018 08:27

You absolutely can. It is called varying a contact order. When circumstances change or present unreasonable you can go back to court or mediation

OP has clearly explained. The court order encompasses the three households and the GP's contact is being tapered in favour of the father, with the end result of shared care between both parents.
Nothing has changed that would warrant a variation in contact. The arrangements have been made recently as they are still in transition so there is absolutely no grounds for the OP to make an application to vary them.

nannytothequeen · 12/12/2018 08:28

Ignore the reading log. Take it it's not meant for you. You do what you can in your time and write it down and sign your name. And wrote lots of positives about progress and then leave it. Or ask for separate log books for you and the grandparents/ dad, then you don't even have to look at their logbook.

Canibuildasnowman · 12/12/2018 08:32

Reading is the single most important thing you can do for your child’s education bar none. If the GPs can’t commit to doing the reading then they shouldn’t have the children. A 6 year old really shouldn’t be living between 3 homes either but I suppose that’s a different issue. Your child will be getting stressed by this homework situ and falling behind unschool. Causing anxiety at a young age around learning is the worse thing that can happen and if you can get the other adults in their lives on board then I would say the situation needs to change immediately. Your anxious, kid is anxious. It’s a no win .

Starlight456 · 12/12/2018 08:37

Is Dad doing the reading . How many nights are grandparents having dc at the moment ?
How long is it been tapered off by . It’s 2 weeks till they break up then 2 weeks off . So you could revisit in January .

Go see the teacher and explain the current situation x