AIBU to not enjoy baby in the room with us?!

[poppymatilda]

Arrggghhhh, is it just us or are newborns generally so noisy? Ours will be 6 weeks old on Thursday and she is a nightmare to share a room with, squeaks, grunts, snorts etc. Even though she's settled into a decent feeding pattern every 3 hours and sleeps between (usually but not always 100% reliably) i don't really sleep because she constantly wakes me up with her noise. When I peer into her crib she's asleep through it all!
Does it settle down at any point? Currently counting down until she's 6 months and I can ship her next door to the nursery!

So because previous babies have lived, even though parents have disregarded guidelines, that is okay to disregard them? What about lol the babies who have died because guidelines weren’t followed?

Since guidelines have been changed, the SIDS risk has dropped dramatically. Why would you even take the chance? I really don’t understand that.

I didn't enjoy sharing a room with mine at all. We all slept a lot better when they moved to their own rooms!

Aw. I loved all the sniffles and grumbles. Also I was so exhausted nothing could keep me awake if it was at night

I loved the little noises but found them reassuring so they didn't keep me awake.

Please don't move your six week old into another room. Breathing monitors are pointless - your baby is at risk of cot death if it is not sleeping near you. Scientists don't completely understand it - but they believe your own breathing regulates the newborns breaths.

I can't bear it when people talk about breathing monitors - completely pointless.

Problem is after 6 weeks of snuffling, if you did put her in another room now you would wake constantly in the night in a panic because you couldn’t hear the baby breathing.

But how can a newborn hear a parent breathing if they breathe silently?
I know I'm quiet at night and I can't hear my kids breathing even though they're much older. How a baby can hear something that isn't there?

Also - the idea that people are being 'judgy' by explaining how SIDS risk works is just not reasonable. It's true - it's science - it's saved many babies lives now that we understand it. Make an informed decision but don't complain about people explaining facts. There are multiple factors to SIDS (young parents/ smoking as well) so you could make an informed decision to take the risk - as you say if you were being really damaged by the lack of sleep that is important too.

But we have a modern disease of talking about 'judgement' - when people discuss facts. Same as the breastfeeding debate.

The baby may not 'hear' it - it might be reacting to the oxygen in the air changing or a barely perceptible sound.

Usually a newborn would be very near their mother - they certainly would have been for the tens of thousands of years we evolved - so you would expect them to be tuned in in some physical way to the breathing.

SIDS is actually very rare, but receives a lot of publicity. If you have already eliminated as many of the risk factors as you can (in my case, I am an older mother from a higher socioeconomic group, non-smoker, BF, put my babies on their backs, no blankets etc), then the potential amplification of risk by putting the baby in another room will only be a tiny increase in an already very low risk. I am comfortable with my decision, I don't 'feel shit' about it, quite the opposite. In fact, I don't think any of the women who have reported putting their babies in another room have felt shit about it, or they wouldn't be suggesting it. It was the right decision for us.

I will judge any parent who thinks their decisions are applicable to each and every other parent. Sorry, but I do.

@SalmonLeBon

Well said 👍

Both DP and myself have responded to SIDS calls. They are devestating and require professionals go though debriefing after it because it is so traumatic.

I don’t understand why you would want to follow some advice, but not other pieces/pick and choose because it is “rare”. Yeah, all the parents who have lost their children thought it was rare too and would never happen to them....

@waterrat Explaining the facts is one thing. But on this thread people have called mothers who move their babies early negligent, unnatural, unresponsive, selfish, accused them of "not giving a shit"... That's judgemental.

I have no problems with people reminding others of the safe sleep guidelines, and especially not with people explaining the (theoretical) science as there is a misconception that a breathing monitor replaces the requirement for room sharing (which of course it doesn't). But that can be done in a non-judgemental way.

@Elphie54 Did your child have a dummy?

My brother died at 5 months from SIDS. Having seen it wreck my father for the past 44 years that he still struggles to talk about his baby boy, I'd advise to keep your baby in your room for as long as possible and get earplugs. It isn't worth any risk.

Choosing an option which isn't best practice is not the same as risking their life. The information is provided for a reason which is to allow parents to make an informed choice based on what's best for everyone.

Yes it is advised to keep them in the same room (I've seen the risk quantified as around double when in a separate room) but we're talking tiny numbers in the first place, it's not like putting your baby to sleep next to a hungry bear. It's up to individuals to decide whether the increase in risk is worth other benefits.

I can't get over the amount of parents who blatantly go against the advice of HCPs.

Honestly, in the grand scheme of things, 6 months is not a long time to put up with some snuffles. It may seem tough now, OP, but you'll look back in a year's time and think it flew in, and be thankful that you followed the safe sleep guidelines. Nothing would be worse than the guilt you would experience if you moved them in to their own room and something happened.

Besides the fact, I'd spend my night jumping out of bed to go and check on them and actually sleep less!

Earplugs are a fantastic suggestion. I hope things get easier soon, OP. Enjoy your baby

What has bothered me about this thread is how blasé posters were for the first couple of pages, it was almost a competition as to who put their baby in their own room as early as possible.

Because it is about keeping things in perspective. As a vet, I have a horror of people throwing sticks for dogs* and would never throw one for my own because of the risk of pharyngeal stick penetration injuries. Yet, thousands upon thousands of people continue to throw sticks for dogs every day without issue. If you have witnessed something, you end up with a disproportionate sense of risk about things which are actually incredibly unlikely to happen.

*caveat to say that this is a parallel, not intended to imply that dogs and babies are the same, because this is AIBU and someone will have to wilfully misinterpret.

I think if this is just so you get some more 'shut eye' you ABVU. As previous pp have said the advice is there for a reason, please don't dismiss it. I appreciate things are not simple and for some families it is the right thing to do but please don't make the decision lightly.

I really can't get het up about people putting babies in their own rooms to sleep even though it's not my preference. I'm in a US dominated baby month group online and what bothers me far more is the fact most of them are talking about sleep training at three or four months old I mean if sleeping in another room is what it takes to get a decent sleep then go for it.

Folk should be aware it increases the risk (slightly) and that breathing monitors don't reduce it, but jesus, if you did everything perfectly like everyone on MN suggests, you'd not have time for all of it. Just off the top of my head a few things recently suggested on MN as being totally reasonable, nay, the barest minimum of acceptable parenting:

• Breastfeeding at all costs even if you're on your knees weeping with exhaustion. Becoming an expert on breastfeeding in about 3 days so that you can pre empt and solve every problem you might have

• If you must formula feed every single feed must be made in a totally sterile environment exactly 30 minutes before the baby is hungry (you must also be psychic) and/or involving a complicated dance with jugs of hot and cold boiled water.

• Buying an entirely new car seat in order to enable a 3.5 year old to rear face for 6 more months. Buying their siblings new car seats as well if it means that the 3yo's new car seat will be able to fit more easily in the car

• Somehow arranging all of these enormous seats in the back so that no child has to sit in "the death seat" aka the front

• Spending half an hour every night running around checking everything in the house is unplugged lest it burst into flame (presumably, with the baby attached to your breast in case it expires while you are in another room)

• Holding your child's hand by all roads until they are ten years old

• Being on time for 99% of things ever even if it means scheduling your entire day around all the things which could possibly make you late

The thing is it's just difficult to understand how anxiety about your baby could be reduced by increasing the risk of SIDS (even a little bit).

Obviously there are individual cases as some have mentioned here (like peach) but in general you just kind of have to put up with awful sleep because it's what you signed up for.

Personally as well I think I'd rather be hearing the snuffles and having the peace of mind that my baby is near. My baby is only 4 months but I've already decided that she won't be going into her own room at 6 months. I need to have her close and at the moment I can't even imagine putting her in a different room. No judgement on anyone else's decision, but it would feel very unnatural to me.

Every single SIDS call I have been to has been a cosleeping one, and where the parent reports following safe sleeping guidelines. Do I judge cosleepers? Of course I don’t,
SIDS is rare and the massive decrease came about with the back to sleep campaign 25+ years ago which did not initially include having baby in parents room.
We have to accept that even if you follow every single guideline you will not and cannot remove the risk but it is still a very tiny risk and we should stop beating parents up at a much greater risk to their mental health and a subsequent long lasting effect on theirs and their child’s life.

My baby girl is almost 4 months and we moved her into her own room at 11 weeks due to the exact reasons as you. (With a baby monitor)
I'm such a light sleeper and any noise woke me up.
Best thing we've done. As she is sleeping really well and used to sleeping in a room on her own.
Hubby wasn't happy to begin with but alright for him as he can sleep through anything.

My DH refused to have the newborns anywhere near us at night. So I had to get up regularly to breast feed next door. Another example of his selfishness, which is why he’s now my ex.

So I wouldn’t know about newborn noises.