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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To correct DS's friend's table manners

87 replies

chubbyspice · 10/12/2018 18:59

DS (8) has a friend over once a week and we have dinner together. I always correct my child's table manners, bit of a bug bear for me. Is it rude to correct his friend's table manners? I think that at 8 he should be well able to use cutlery and not shovel the food in.

OP posts:
GunpowderGelatine · 10/12/2018 19:40

It depends what he's doing - if he's just putting his elbows on the table YABU. If he's talking with his mouth full YANBU

stayathomer · 10/12/2018 19:40

As above if he's using a knife to eat, or else if he was using his hands you could tactfully say 'here's a spoon/fork' it outside of that I think it's rude of you to assume your way is the only way

ladybee28 · 10/12/2018 19:41

If he looks like he's struggling (like trying to 'spoon' peas in on a fork) I might suggest: "Hey DS's friend - peas can be so hard! Want to see an easier way to do it?"

Or if he's putting a knife in his mouth I might say "Hey, when you do that it worries me that you might cut your mouth. Can we agree to only put forks in our mouths please?"

But beyond safety or struggles I'd stay out of it.

SnuggyBuggy · 10/12/2018 19:41

Unless he is shovelling good at breakneck speed and pounding the table with his fist shouting "more!" I would let it go.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 10/12/2018 19:42

Are you serious OP Hmm

bobstersmum · 10/12/2018 19:43

Poor kid.

Tinkobell · 10/12/2018 19:45

It's a great idea if want the guest-child's mum to hate you forever. Because it WILL get back to her and unfortunately despite your good intentions, she will think that you are an arse. This happened to my friends son......she told everyone about it!

obligations · 10/12/2018 19:47

Depends what he's doing. Politeness is basically putting other people at their ease, and means something different from 'manners' so making him feel welcome and at ease is more important. I've only spoken to my dc's friends in relation to anything like this if they've grabbed at food before it has been served. Some of them eat with their mouth open, eat really quickly, are very messy eaters even at 10/11/12 but unless I can say something that is warm and friendly about it, I say nothing. It's a better lesson for your kids to learn how to be hospitable than for them to see you correcting someone.

Smidge001 · 10/12/2018 19:48

If his parents aren't dining with you at the same time, and it's just the friend that's at your house, then Absolutely! Definitely correct him. It doesn't have to be done in a nasty way - and if you're correcting your own son during the course of the same meal, it would seem strange not to educate his friend too.
My mother always corrected our friends at mealtimes in our house. They never seemed to mind! In fact i think they quite enjoyed having the reasoning explained to them so they could point it out to others at school later in the week!

I really don't think there's anything wrong with it.

Iloveautumnleaves · 10/12/2018 19:49

Only if it’ll cause injury, damage, or unpleasantness to someone else’s food. So eating off a steak knife, washing/wiping hands & face before sitting on the sofa, putting their hands on shared food etc.

General ‘manners’. No. That’s more rude than his manners.

GabsAlot · 10/12/2018 19:49

friends parent did this to me as a kid-elbow off table*which i still dont get) dont shovel!

never went back

Veterinari · 10/12/2018 19:50

How is correcting basic table manners ‘belittling’ or ‘humiliating’ ?
Do PPs seriously never correct other people's Children ever?

I was taught table manners by my friends Dad who was pretty appalled at my own when I ate there as a teen - it’s stood me in good stead as an adult in a whole variety of social situations. Conversely, My parents still eat with their mouths open and talk incessantly whilst shovelling food in. Thankfully my friend’s ‘interfereing’ parents saves me from a lifetime of judgement due to poor parental role modelling.

mimibunz · 10/12/2018 19:52

Ignore it. Be kind and gracious, and never do or say anything that would embarrass a guest in your house. Etiquette 101.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 10/12/2018 19:52

I wouldn't, unless you can guide it as Ladybee describes. Too many reasons why people can't/don't do things the "right" way. DP and I are both dyspraxic. Which we try to hide but we definitely both have quirks and odd seeming coping strategies.

bringbackthestripes · 10/12/2018 19:54

I always dreaded DC going to eat somewhere. DC hoovers food up using mostly just a fork but when absolutely necessary will use a knife but holds them in the wrong hands. We have tried and tried to install good table manners but DC is ASD/ADHD & eats like that no matter what.
I hope we weren’t judged so harshly.

delboysskinandblister · 10/12/2018 19:55

Or if they are really obnoxious just point out to your own children when they have gone home that 'that is not the way we do things' and maybe discourage your child from being friends with that kid anymore. Otherwise a gentle 'eat more slowly as you don't want to be ill later' at the table. Better that than to tell him off. I suppose it's a balance - yes address it but there's a way of doing it.

Justajot · 10/12/2018 19:56

I have asked DD's friends to chew with their mouths closed. I don't think anyone has been offended. I'd say it depends on the scale of the poor manners.

missyB1 · 10/12/2018 19:56

Depends on what you consider bad manners. If he's being rude and messing about at the table then yes I would correct him. If it's a case of not using his knife correctly then I would probably bite my lip and let it go.

Unihorn · 10/12/2018 19:56

My friend had a mum who would correct table manners growing up. None of us wanted to go round there for dinner. It does depend what he's doing really.

underneaththeash · 10/12/2018 19:57

I wouldn't mind you correcting my children (DS1 struggles using a knife and fork due to hyper mobility, but he needs to practice). Ds2 is lazy.

Eating politely is a life skill.

starcrossedseahorse · 10/12/2018 19:57

Oh just do it. You'll be doing him a favour in the long run.

The state of some people eating turns my stomach and it makes them stand out socially (not in a good way).

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 10/12/2018 19:58

At eight he is still likely to be heavily influenced by his parents' table manners. By criticising him, you are blaming the wrong person, and he will feel bad. Don't do it - suck it up.

Jackshouse · 10/12/2018 20:00

Manner are shared expectations to make other comfortable. It is always good manners to make your guests comfortable and not embarrass them.

Orchiddingme · 10/12/2018 20:01

I think it's rude to correct your child's table manners when they are 8 and have a friend over, let alone correcting the friend. It's all about a power play and quite humiliating for him, not the time for learning anyway. Of course a basic rule like sit at the table is fine, but honestly, making remarks about the right way to hold a knife on this particular dinner is extremely overbearing.

colditz · 10/12/2018 20:01

He has the manners his parents think are appropriate. If you criticise his manners, you are criticising the way his parents are raising him. You are criticising his parents to his face.

And that is FAR ruder than anything he's doing with a fucking fork.