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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum comes to my home every day

46 replies

spicebomb · 10/12/2018 17:39

I would like to know if I am being unreasonable.

I work full time and my mum comes to my house every day to do my ironing which I pay her for. This usually isn't a problem except for when me or my husband are off work.

She doesn't seem to understand that when we are off we need or own space and when I tell her we are off so she doesn't need to come, it upsets her as she thinks we don't want to see her.

This isn't the case we just want our own space when we are off. I do try and take her shopping or out for lunch when I'm off.

OP posts:
SuchAToDo · 10/12/2018 17:43

On your days off , you need to tell her you have plans and won't be home...even if you have to go out for half an hour and sit in a cafe...(so that if she comes you won't be home)...then go home and have your husband wife time😁

Continue to do it in each of your days off until she gets the message that she can't just turn up unannounced anymore because you may have "plans"(you don't actually have to have plans, just let her think you do)

NotyourMummynotyourmilk · 10/12/2018 17:46

Just can’t grasp how much ironing you have😂. You need to be honest with her and if she gets upset, sobeit, she will get over it. It will cause issue between you and your partner if she keeps coming every day. But what may help is that you put aside a few hours each week to spend some time with your mum, when she isn’t ironing and you are off work, just so she knows you do want to see her, just not all the time.

Bluntness100 · 10/12/2018 17:46

Yeah this is difficult and needs to be handled sensitively because rhe message she will get is I will happily pay you to do my ironing, but could you do it when we aren't there and we woild rayher you weren't there when we were.

You probably need to talk to her, but sensitively, because rhe lines are very muddled here with you paying her to be there when you're not, and asking her to not be there when you are.

JustKeepSwimmingJustKeepSwimmi · 10/12/2018 17:47

I cant imagine only having my mum in the house when im not there to do jobs...

giftsonthebrain · 10/12/2018 17:49

She’s probably doing your irioning out of love and wanting to be close rather than money. Especially if your an only child or the only one near.

SassitudeandSparkle · 10/12/2018 17:51

So you pay her to come round when you are not there, and don't want her there when you are. I can see why you'd want a day off to yourselves but can you really not see the problem here?

ShatnersBassoon · 10/12/2018 17:54

It is a bit strange to have your mum in the house only as paid help. Are you really that desperate for time alone with your husband that she can't have a coffee with you both in your house?

Original poster
spicebomb · 10/12/2018 17:55

I have 2 younger brothers and I think I do more than them to spend quality time with mum, but it's not easy when you work full time as whenever we go out I drive and tend to pay for lunch.

She would come to my house even if I was at work or didn't have any ironing and just potter about, do going out wouldn't really put her off coming.

Her and dad have also separated (but still live in same house) and dad visits me every Saturday morning, which doesn't leave me much time to myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
spicebomb · 10/12/2018 17:56

I do want to see her, I just don't want her to come round every day

OP posts:
eddiemairswife · 10/12/2018 17:57

How long does she stay when you are both there?

Strongmummy · 10/12/2018 17:59

Pay someone to do your ironing and then invite her around once a week so you can see her as a mother rather than the hired help. I can see why she’d be upset

Original poster
spicebomb · 10/12/2018 17:59

She's stays for an hour or so. It's not because I want to spend time alone with my OH, it's if my OH is home alone and mum calls

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 10/12/2018 17:59

I’d start instigating meet-ups with both parents away from your house. Your mum sounds lonely, does she work at all? Perhaps if that’s the case you could help her look into some volunteering to use her time and give her more focus than pottering around your empty house?

When you want a day free then it should be easier to say that you won’t be seeing her. If all else fails tell her you are planning a shagathon so she’d best stay home. Grin

Original poster
spicebomb · 10/12/2018 18:00

My mum needs the money that's why I pay her. She also does my brothers ironing but doesn't get paid off them

OP posts:
ShatnersBassoon · 10/12/2018 18:00

Do you really need her to be coming to iron every day you're at work (5 days a week?). Why not set one day for that, to break the habit of her going round so often?

HollowTalk · 10/12/2018 18:01

I would hate that. Surely she can see that you need some time together?

It sounds as though she needs some new interests and to make some new friends. Is it difficult for her living with your dad, if they're separated?

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 10/12/2018 18:01

I think you just need to tell her. You're not in control of her emotions, but you can say 'don't be silly mum, of course I want to see you - just not today! I want to spend some time slobbing about on my own'.

I'd go mad if this was me.

SassitudeandSparkle · 10/12/2018 18:03

Take the ironing to her and collect it.

Original poster
spicebomb · 10/12/2018 18:05

I have suggested that she does the ironing a couple of times a week instead of every day as it wouldn't seem as bad then, we would know the days she is and isn't there, but she just says it will take her longer.

OP posts:
RebootYourEngine · 10/12/2018 18:13

If you have already told her that you need time alone and she isnt listening can you not just lock the door and keep the key in the door so that she can not get in.

CoperCabana · 10/12/2018 18:13

But how much ironing do you actually have? It sounds like it’s just the two of you and I just can’t do the math!

But anyway, your poor mum sounds lonely. Suggest a meal round yours every week, and then a fixed couple of days for the ironing?

CoperCabana · 10/12/2018 18:16

Wear non iron clothes? (There are 4 in our house and I do no ironing. DH has someone to do work shirts but no more than 1-2 hours worth and that would be every fortnight or so(

Mumshappy · 10/12/2018 18:20

You must have a lot of ironing! I cant think of anything worse than giving my parents key to my home. I would make an excuse to get key back and then drop the ironing off at her house. Then id make some arrangments to spend quality time with her afternoon tea, looking round local attractions, garden centres etc. Theres no boundaries at the moment

Original poster
spicebomb · 10/12/2018 18:22

I have 2 sons aged 23 and 19, I seem to do a load of washing every day and 2-3 at weekends. I think mum would rather iron a wash load at a time.

She is lonely as no one visits her with the situation at home.

My dad suddenly started inviting himself round every Saturday and stays from 10:30 until around 1pm, if I start inviting mum round every Sunday I'll never get anything done Confused

OP posts:
hammeringinmyhead · 10/12/2018 18:23

What you have here is a mum who thinks your house is an extension of hers if she lets herself in and potters when you are out.

Really, you either say it all again and be firm through her upset (We're off on Tuesday mum and and the house to ourselves) or try the key-in-the-door/chain-on approach and don't answer.

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