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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mum comes to my home every day

46 replies

spicebomb · 10/12/2018 17:39

I would like to know if I am being unreasonable.

I work full time and my mum comes to my house every day to do my ironing which I pay her for. This usually isn't a problem except for when me or my husband are off work.

She doesn't seem to understand that when we are off we need or own space and when I tell her we are off so she doesn't need to come, it upsets her as she thinks we don't want to see her.

This isn't the case we just want our own space when we are off. I do try and take her shopping or out for lunch when I'm off.

OP posts:

Grace212 · 10/12/2018 18:25

she's hanging out at yours for other reasons isn't she

a gentle chat is in order I think. If she likes to go when people are home, it's clearly for company.

babysharkah · 10/12/2018 18:26

Do you actually have that much ironing?

Sirzy · 10/12/2018 18:29

Well I suggest either the 4 adults in the house take responsibility for the ironing or you deal with your mum not wanting to be limited to visiting only when your not in!

Sounds like she is very lonely

Original poster

spicebomb · 10/12/2018 18:30

She's coming to keep herself occupied and whether we are in or at work.

OP posts:

MrsStrowman · 10/12/2018 18:32

Your sons should be doing their own ironing at that age! I agree with PPs your mum isn't coming to your house to do ironing, she's getting iut of the house she shares with her ex, I'm not sure what the issue is with her bring there for an hour when you're DH is, do they not get on? I think you need to stop asking her to do your ironing and say the boys are old enough to do it to contribute to the house hold.

Original poster

spicebomb · 10/12/2018 18:35

I'm paying her to do the ironing for extra income

OP posts:

Alfie190 · 10/12/2018 18:36

I just can't get my head around how much ironing you are generating!

Sirzy · 10/12/2018 18:38

But only when it suits you it seems!

Whether you are paying or not is in a way irrelevant to the fact she is only allowed to be there when your all out - doesn’t exactly give her a message of being loved does it?

Original poster

spicebomb · 10/12/2018 18:41

Sirzy

I think I've said before it's not that I don't want to see her or only come to my house when I'm not there, but do you think coming every day is reasonable, what would you do in my situation?

OP posts:

Sirzy · 10/12/2018 18:43

Do your own ironing!

Or accept that she is helping you and get on with it.

OverTheHedgeSammy · 10/12/2018 18:49

Spice, you've created a bad situation with the best of intentions. Your parents have lost their partners, and are relying on you to fill the void. That's not sustainable. Your mother needs to find something else to do during the week. You need to stop with allowing her in your house every day.

The problem is now that you've allowed it, it will be even harder to put the brakes on. But while she has you to fall back on, she has no incentive to go out and make friends, join groups or find other activities. The same goes for your father. Although once a week is a bit more manageable, it will become a burden.

Is there an activity you could do with your mother? A book club, volunteer at an event (a one off preferably), etc? You could spend time with her, but also get her involved in something other than herself.

The obvious thing would be for her to volunteer in a charity shop. Is there a charity which is particularly close to her heart?

Ellapaella · 10/12/2018 18:49

Well your mum probably is a bit bored and lonely but that's not really your responsibility op. She needs to be building her own social life, also maybe if she's separated from your Dad but living with them she's trying to get away from him as much as possible?
I think you need to have a kind chat with your Mum, tell her you don't need her to come everyday and that you and your DH need some time alone without any visitors around.
Why not suggest she joins some social clubs or groups or does some volunteering?

Somertime · 10/12/2018 18:50

She's separated from your dad but lives in the same house as him? No wondered she's keen to escape every day - that must be so uncomfortable for both of them. Is there any plan for one of them to move out? If she has her own space your mum may be less inclined to come every day.

chubbyspice · 10/12/2018 18:57

Could your sons spend some time with her? Get them to go to the cinema with her or something?

Miscible · 10/12/2018 19:00

How can it possibly take her longer to do the ironing if she comes twice a week rather than every day? Apart from anything else, she doesn't have to spend time going to and from your house.

I agree that you really need to address the underlying problem, which is that she is essentially coming round to your house to fill a void in her life. If you could encourage her towards something else to fill her time where she can meet people and get out of the house - whether it's classes, clubs or voluntary work - it would be much easier to stop her coming round to yours every day.

juneau · 10/12/2018 19:02

It sounds like your DM is bored and lonely and going to your house gives her something to do. It also gets her out of her own house, where she is living with your dad in spite of their separation, so maybe she likes that too. But is it reasonable that she's doing this - i.e. using your house as her bolthole away from her own unhappy home situation? No, it isn't. I can't see any other solution OP other than to be honest with her. I think you're going to have to suggest other ways that she can keep busy, however, as she clearly likes to get out of her own house. TBH, encouraging her and your DF to properly separate and get their own places would help, wouldn't it? Why are they still living together, if they've separated? Your DF is hanging around yours half of Saturday as well, so you'd maybe put an end to that too if you encouraged/helped them both to move on with their lives.

pictish · 10/12/2018 19:07

Yanbu...every day is too often. Twice a week would be far more bearable. I think she’s being quite self-centred to get upset when you ask for some space. You are allowed a day to yourself in your own house fgs.

Original poster

spicebomb · 10/12/2018 19:07

Their house is up for sale. It's along story. I'm grateful for everything my mum has done for me over the years, which is why I am trying to help her financially by paying her to do the ironing, but she is choosing to come here everyday when it's not needed.

I am happy for her to come a couple of times a week and to take her for days out when I am off work, but it seems that isn't enough.

OP posts:

Mumshappy · 10/12/2018 19:57

Theres no way id pay anyone to do my adult childrens ironing. I understand that you say she needs the money but could you change her role to say cleaning twice a week on specific days for the same money. Say youve had a rethink of the ironing situation and your all going to do your own from now on. In my house theres me and 3 DCs aged 14, 8 and 7 months. I wash every day sometimes twice and i only spend a maximum of 2 hours a week ironing and that with all school uniforms plus multiple changes of ds occasionally. Im not the faster ironer either.

FinallyHere · 11/12/2018 09:07

Theres no way id pay anyone to do my adult childrens ironing

this ^

juneau · 11/12/2018 12:25

I am happy for her to come a couple of times a week and to take her for days out when I am off work, but it seems that isn't enough.

Then it's up to her to come up with a more fulfilling life for herself OP. She's leaning very heavily on you at present, by the sound of things, and escaping to your home. I realise that she's probably going through a rough time right now, following her separation, but she's an adult who sounds like she's in good health and it's not fair to be using your home as her escape. You really are going to have to be honest, but tactfully so, in order to get your point across. This arrangement just isn't working any more for you, you feel stifled by your parents' neediness and their constant demands for attention. You have a FT job and a family of their own. TBH I think you need to speak to both of them and let them know that you feel overwhelmed and need to be able to enjoy your own home in peace when you're not at work and not have them monopolising your time. They're both being very selfish at present, whether they mean to and realise it, or not.

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