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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To live in separate houses or not?

52 replies

PhyllisDietrichson · 10/12/2018 10:12

We have been married for 20 years. We lived in West Country and now in London for OH's work . As he's the main breadwinner I've largely put my career on hold, worked part-time and raised our two children.

Now older DC is at uni and younger one's in 6th form, I'd like to focus on my career as a freelancer in the creative industry. To do that I'd like to move to the coast for inspiration and because I need the change we've been through a very difficult 5 years with family illness and loss. OH loves the city and does not want to move somewhere more rural, even though he knows I have wanted this for most of our married life.

Earlier this year I saw a lovely 'compromise house'. It was on the outskirts of London, next to a park, and was a townhouse with the downstairs already a workspace (for me) and the upstairs floors the living areas. I persuaded OH to go along with this and we accepted a lowish offer on our house. We also put in an offer which soon went to 'best and final' bids. I suggested we should up our offer to secure it, but OH was reluctant. We lost the house to a counter bid.

A few months later (a few weeks ago) I found out OH had money in an account which I knew nothing about. We could have used this to buy the compromise property; in fact it would have bridged the gap in offers a few times over. I was extremely upset, we have had many 'words'. The situation clarified for me one thing; I have decided that as I put an equal sum of money into our current home, I want to release it by selling ours and move to the coast to work ASAP and on my own if necessary

The reality is, we'd actually need two properties: a small flat in the suburbs and a small coastal place which'd squeeze our budget to death. DH works late, so I'd have to commute back during the week to be there for our 16 yr old and be at the coastal place for short days and at weekends; at least until DC finished A levels. DH has agreed to work from home a day a week to help out and has said let's keep a London base for now.

My dilemma is I'm pushing for this move. I'm ready to begin my life again post DC's by trying to rebuild a creative career. I have a lot to give in the 15 or so working years I have left. My instinct is telling me to be selfish this time, split the family homes, they can always come down and benefit from the coast too. I am just feeling rather alone, unsure and still really cross. I am so stifled that I'm not sure I'm making entirely rational decisions, so reasoned advice is most welcome.

OP posts:
Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 10/12/2018 10:18

I live on the coast and fail to see why you have to live by the sea to be creative.
Surly if you are creative and want to work in the arts you need to be where the market for that art is ie London galleries or street markets to sell your goods.

Regnamechanger · 10/12/2018 10:23

Sounds to me as if really you'd like to end the marriage, is that the case?
Life's too short to waste it.

Original poster
PhyllisDietrichson · 10/12/2018 10:24

Well yes I have done that for most of my life Dontsweat.

You've chosen to live by the sea, I'm assuming because you like it, it's beautiful, it's healthy etc etc I want the same as you. I want to try live somewhere else more inspiring.

OP posts:
Original poster
PhyllisDietrichson · 10/12/2018 10:27

Yes Regnamechanger that's occurred to me too - I hope not, I hope this is an opportunity we can both enjoy. DH could just as easily do what he does anywhere if he put his mind to it.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 10/12/2018 10:28

It all seems a bit dramatic. Have you got contacts etc lined up for your work? Yes being by the sea will be lovely, but I am also not seeing why you need to be there to be creative and just can't do it where you are.

I'd probably see if I can make it back into my career before all this uprooting to be honest.

AppleKatie · 10/12/2018 10:28

Honestly? I’d up my work hours now and try and take advantage of the connections you can make in London whilst the DC are still at school.

Then sell and move to the coast (and maybe divorce?) once they’ve moved out.

It’d be shit of you to move the DC who is in the middle of A levels and by the sounds of it you’ve waited this long..

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 10/12/2018 10:32

Phyllis I don’t blame you for wanting to live by the coast. It is a great life and I moved here 20 years ago as I believe I was giving my children a better life.
My point was it is nothing to do with being creative. So just be honest and tell your husband that you are done with London living and if he wants the marriage to survive you want a a coastal home.

Original poster
PhyllisDietrichson · 10/12/2018 10:44

I work in a garage at the moment. I also freelance doing bits of teaching peripatetically. I don't have the space currently to combine the two which is part of my business idea. The compromise house would have enabled this, and there were other creative types in the road which was perfect. DH didn't want that. My Mum and her Mum died in their 50's - if I am being 'dramatic' it's because I feel like I'm potentially running out of time, I've tried to build the business here to no avail and I'm running out of options.

OP posts:
Unicornandbows · 10/12/2018 10:48

I think it will be at the expense of your marriage. If you do want to do that then go ahead..

Stefoscope · 10/12/2018 10:51

Could you not just take some weeks creative holiday and rent a place by the sea for now? What are the job prospects like in the town you want to move to (in case you need to supplement your income)? Coastal towns vary a lot. I grew up by the sea and there were zero job opportunities unless you wanted to work in a care home for the elderly for the minimum wage.

VioletCharlotte · 10/12/2018 10:54

I'd love to up-sticks and move to the coast too... but it just isn't practical for many reasons at the moment. While your DC are still at school, I think you need to put them first. And no reason at all why you can't start building your career while you're living in London. And there's all sorts of places you can find creativity without living near the coast - art galleries, museums, tons of amazing architecture, gothic cemeteries, churches, parks, gardens, etc.

If I were you I'd work on a long term plan to move to the coast when DC have moved away (either with or without DH).

user1471426142 · 10/12/2018 10:58

It sounds to me like you’re wanting out of your marriage as well. I don’t think it’s not a to actively want to live apart. I’d also say the disruption would be very unfair to your child in 6th form. At least wait until a-levels are done before forcing the sale of the family home.

Original poster
PhyllisDietrichson · 10/12/2018 11:00

So Unicorn we do what the OH wants? The wife compromises for the sake of the marriage and the (now almost fully grown) children as is the tradition?

Every male artist I can think of has a partner by his side, every woman artist I can think of has had to be very focussed (selfish) to survive, meaning they've not had a family or it has had to take a backseat to a greater or lesser degree, that's one reason why there are still few well known women artists. They could not break with tradition and finger waving it seems. Let's hope the next generation of women creatives can see their way through.

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Original poster
PhyllisDietrichson · 10/12/2018 11:05

Agreed User147 I know, but he would be moving from one home to another. People move, he'd have both his parents still around for him, I'd be there each evening. I can of course wait another year to be as fair to him as I can, but I'm hoping disruption will be at a minimum he's not sitting exams for over a year.

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Original poster
PhyllisDietrichson · 10/12/2018 11:20

Stefo yes considered that, it's a good idea, but I need to buy equipment to do my work and it's pretty immovable once in situ so best if it stays in the place it's going to be long-term. I've researched the area and the competition, and no-ones doing what I plan to do there. But yes, it's true, it might not flourish. I do have a plan B business though so hopefully at least one will keep us in beans on toast.

OP posts:
maddening · 10/12/2018 11:24

London is the centre of creative arts Imo

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 10/12/2018 11:30

I think it's okay to be selfish now OP. You have put your career on hold for a long time, so it's time for your DH to compromise.

Hiding money from you is totally totally unacceptable.

I understand wanting to move. You need physical space to create (not everything is digital) and you don't have that in London.

busybarbara · 10/12/2018 11:30

DH works late, so I'd have to commute back during the week to be there for our 16 yr old

They're 16, not 9. They shouldn't need their mum looking after them of an evening every single day, unless you think they're prone to being led astray.

Original poster
PhyllisDietrichson · 10/12/2018 11:34

Yes busybarbara I know, he's a bit of a late developer and was really pukey at his prom and twice v badly since, so someone needs to be around-ish to monitor sensible-to body-weight-consumption .

OP posts:
Original poster
PhyllisDietrichson · 10/12/2018 11:40

London is the centre of creative arts, I have museum and gallery memberships. I go to them all the time, I even take students to them for inspiration. I am a Londoner and I love it. But I want to try something else, more relaxed and tranquil and find inspiration in other parts of this beautiful country. That is what my work is about nature wildlife and the sea.

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Ellapaella · 10/12/2018 11:41

I don't think what you want to do is unreasonable at all but I would honestly seriously consider just waiting a bit longer for your son to finish school. Let him have his stability just a little longer.
When I first met my now DH we had to live 200 miles apart during the week for work and commute to see each other every weekend for 2 years - It was a nightmare. Very stressful doing all that commuting. I don't think you'll know how hard it'll be until you do it.

Bluntness100 · 10/12/2018 11:45

I'm not really sure what you're planning though. Will you sleep in London during the week, so commuting every morning and evening, and then spending weekends down there? How long will your commute be?

MrsStrowman · 10/12/2018 11:46

I don't mean this to be harsh, but if you've hauled to establish the business thus far is it really about the location and lack of creative inspiration or is it just not a workable business model? If there was one compromise house surely there another, for the next couple of years? Put everything into launching your business in London

Original poster
PhyllisDietrichson · 10/12/2018 11:47

I know Ellapaella I can wait til summer 2020 and my son will benefit from the delay. But if I follow in my Mums' footsteps and my Grandma's who both died at 54, I'll have about a year doing what I want to do before I meet the thin man with the scythe. That's what's making me want to get on with it.

On the other hand I eat less cakes than them and exercise more so I might be lucky.

OP posts:
Abitlost2015 · 10/12/2018 11:47

If you didn’t have to go back and forth for your DS i’d Say yes. But the commuting will be excruciating. I’d either find another compromise home or wait a few years. I’d also take the time to reflect on what else ( apart from house and surroundings) is making you unhappy and about your tendency thus far to make others happy before yourself.