To live in separate houses or not?

[PhyllisDietrichson]

We have been married for 20 years. We lived in West Country and now in London for OH's work . As he's the main breadwinner I've largely put my career on hold, worked part-time and raised our two children.

Now older DC is at uni and younger one's in 6th form, I'd like to focus on my career as a freelancer in the creative industry. To do that I'd like to move to the coast for inspiration and because I need the change we've been through a very difficult 5 years with family illness and loss. OH loves the city and does not want to move somewhere more rural, even though he knows I have wanted this for most of our married life.

Earlier this year I saw a lovely 'compromise house'. It was on the outskirts of London, next to a park, and was a townhouse with the downstairs already a workspace (for me) and the upstairs floors the living areas. I persuaded OH to go along with this and we accepted a lowish offer on our house. We also put in an offer which soon went to 'best and final' bids. I suggested we should up our offer to secure it, but OH was reluctant. We lost the house to a counter bid.

A few months later (a few weeks ago) I found out OH had money in an account which I knew nothing about. We could have used this to buy the compromise property; in fact it would have bridged the gap in offers a few times over. I was extremely upset, we have had many 'words'. The situation clarified for me one thing; I have decided that as I put an equal sum of money into our current home, I want to release it by selling ours and move to the coast to work ASAP and on my own if necessary

The reality is, we'd actually need two properties: a small flat in the suburbs and a small coastal place which'd squeeze our budget to death. DH works late, so I'd have to commute back during the week to be there for our 16 yr old and be at the coastal place for short days and at weekends; at least until DC finished A levels. DH has agreed to work from home a day a week to help out and has said let's keep a London base for now.

My dilemma is I'm pushing for this move. I'm ready to begin my life again post DC's by trying to rebuild a creative career. I have a lot to give in the 15 or so working years I have left. My instinct is telling me to be selfish this time, split the family homes, they can always come down and benefit from the coast too. I am just feeling rather alone, unsure and still really cross. I am so stifled that I'm not sure I'm making entirely rational decisions, so reasoned advice is most welcome.

someone needs to be around-ish to monitor sensible-to body-weight-consumption

If your son has problems like this, I'm not convinced he's going to cope well with his parents getting separate homes and having to live in a pokey flat. It might be best to cross your fingers, pray he goes to uni, then make the change.

I don't think what you want to do is unreasonable at all but I would honestly seriously consider just waiting a bit longer for your son to finish school.

I agree with this, maybe use that time to get business advice and have a solid plan in place, really look at the financial side of making this possible.

I would also use that time to think about the future of your marriage, has your husband explained why he was hiding money, is he planning a future without you once the children are older, that is disheartening that the compromise house was within reach and he effectively blocked that option. Life is too short to just go along for other peoples sake and sometimes you have to make tough decisions. Sometimes it can get to a point when life being "not bad" is just not enough, you cannot spend all your time grateful that it is not worse.

I wish you the best of luck with the future.

Mrs Strowman my garage is not big enough for the teaching aspect of what I want to do. I make art about nature and the sea. Being on the coast would form the basis of growing the business.I have done it in London in the confines of the current space as much as possible for many years. To grow the business I need more space and so we'd still have to move or I keep things as they are and go a bit mental.

I do get where you're coming from - you feel trapped and unfulfilled. I think you need to hold off for a couple of years though, just until your DS leaves sixth form. Use that time to make a plan!

I think place in London, place by the coast would be your best bet. That's always been our dream. Don't LTB; it's very easy to say, but it'd cause a lot of devastation. You need to keep that connection with London - not just for you / DH, but employment opportunities for your DC's as well. However, you really don't need a big place in London. Keep a 2-bed city pad (so you can go up and work there when necessary), and a nice place by the coast. If it becomes a strain financially, maybe your DC's can start paying rent on the city pad?

Busybarbara sorry I was joking, DC's fine and definitely does not have a problem. I just need to be around for him midweek and plan to commute.

We could sell spring/summer 2019 move to a flat, I'd also buy the coastal place, set up the business over the next few months and commute back four days a week till summer 2020 when hopefully DC will be working or at uni etc then. When I could put 100% into the business full-time. Meanwhile OH can be looking for jobs in nearby big town only 1/2 hours away or stay in London if he really needs to.

Thanks Badirene

Thanks very much everyone.

I will think carefully about what you have all said. You are as ever offering the sagest advice at a difficult time.

Every male artist you can think of has a wife who signed up to be the wife of a male artist. By the sounds of it your husband didn't sign up to be the husband of a female artist.

It's sounds like you are trying to reorganize everybody else's reality around your day dream and not allowing anybody else any input in decisions that will effect their lives as much as yours. Yes, you can do this and you can do that but have you actually spoken about it with the people in your life and consider if it's what they want for their lives before you start looking for jobs for them in a different city by the sea?

Have you considered using your husband's hidden money to rent an artists studio? ACME Studios in Bow offer rental places which could be a good solution.

Also, don't under estimate the hassle and tedium of commenting between city and coast. All that time spent in traffic would fill me with horror.

I worked with artists for many years and do understand your pain at not being able to create. I think many people don't get how it's not just a job - for the artists I worked with, creating work was like air and food and they couldn't live without it.

I don't know what to say about the current decision, but just wanted to say I think what your husband did was quite low, a betrayal really, he owes big time, so decide what's best, but don't feel selfish, you had the perfect compromise, he sabotaged it and lied to you

See the thing that jumped out at me was this -
"A few months later (a few weeks ago) I found out OH had money in an account which I knew nothing about. We could have used this to buy the compromise property; in fact it would have bridged the gap in offers a few times over."
And yet so many are giving Op a hard time. If I found out about a secret fund like that, regardless of what it might or might not have been spent on, I'd be seriously considering whether I wanted to remain in the marriage.

knittedjest

Um my 'daydream' brought-in 7k in one weekend when I exhibited in a recent joint show. I'm paid £250-300 a day for my teaching. And, I've moved 3 times for OH's career and worked mine around his long hours and his hobbies, which take up large chunks of weekends, whilst raising our children, who incidentally have done academically very well. OH rejected the compromise I tried to make happen, to remain in London whilst trying to develop my business. So I reject the thrust of your argument, but I perhaps have not asked everyone's opinion which I could do and in that your'e right.

If it’s your dream then go for it I suppose, although as other pp have said you might want to adjust the timescale a little as commuting between ‘coastal town’ and London every day of the week sounds like the polar opposite of an inspiring environment.

I would also add that maybe it would be worth renting a coastal place for year or so prior to committing to buying and a more permanent move. Your philosophical is predicated on the fact that you would find being an a coastal town creatively stimulating. Can’t hurt to confirm that is the case.

Mrs BobDylan yes the bigger studio idea i've just looked into, but they're a good drive away and don't allow for the teaching aspect, they're just not insured for that.

Also he can keep his bloomin nest egg, it's filthy lucre and perhaps buy himself a nice new bike, a season ticket, a top spec sports watch or even a little sporty car.

Ta Reg you're a brick.

Whatever you end up deciding, and it seems like it might not be a simple swift decision, short-term his secret money should be used to rent a studio for you in London so you can at least start to make the shift. I have a creative career (in London) and also have several friends who moved out for inspiration etc and the successful ones spend a LOT of time on trains coming back to London. The others haven't got anywhere with their work despite all the inspiration. Obviously you have to believe in yourself to take the leap so I'm not undermining that, but the 'sea for inspiration' thing does sound a bit like the 'magic feather' syndrome - that if only I had X then it would all happen for me creatively. Whereas the VAST majority of creative work is about drudge and stamina and very little to do with inspiration, so if you are/were serious, you'd be doing it whatever the view from your window.

I take the wider point though that he's had his way and you've compromised and he seems annoyingly reluctant to compromise how so he's pushing you to be more drastic. Personally I wouldn't want to live separately - not unless I really wanted to separate. But if there's no other way and you can contemplate a life without him then go for it...

Do it!

You have quite a problem in your marriage by the sounds of it, and I understand your worry that time is running out. It's unfortunate that your youngest is still in 6th form, so you do need to try to minimise the disruption to him, but you need to do this.

I think many people don't get how it's not just a job - for the artists I worked with, creating work was like air and food and they couldn't live without it.
It's exactly like this. I'm not a professional artist, but I get angsty if I can't create, even if it's only doing some doodling in my sketch book, I have to let it out. And I'm always thinking about current and future projects.

OP Good luck!

pinkdelight

You're probably very right in this, like the writer (Bill Nighy) in' I Capture the Castle', got the space but not the inspiration. As we know the ratio of creativity is 90% perspiration, 10% inspiration. I will think very carefully about all this, but (s)he who dares and all that...

I would be mad as hell if OH had hidden money. Can you rent in Brighton say and work there then bob up on the train at weekends.

Having said all that I am supporting third child doing A levels and could not leave him just now.

Airbnb have rooms you can rent week to week so perhaps try one of those.

Ta Motoko.

Yes I do feel that whilst OH has been supportive of my art in many ways, his focus has not been at all hand in hand with my plans, more a going along with and a little pat on the back occasionally. OH's Mum was a stay at home who supported Dad, so OH has known the traditional model and I'm most definitely not that (poor fella)!

Oh and dying young. Our friend lost his parents in their fifties, so absolutely panicked just like you. He is 77 this year. So dinna fret lass.

Madmum

Sláinte

Why was your H hiding money? To scupper the compromise house or planning for a future divorce or just being selfish or mean? Or some other less appalling reason that I can’t think of?

I would generally advise here that if your found one compromise property you would find others, with a bit of time. But the money hiding means this is more complex than just where you live. Maybe one or both of you is thinking of settling up in different homes as a way of gently starting to separate, and get your kids used to the idea?

Somerville
He says he thought 'I'd spend it'. Really galling. There's so many things I could say to that. I've made a really nice home for us, I have not been extravagant I don't think, but have suggested the some building work which we did and it's added value. I have no designer clothes. We caravan for the most part on holidays, he baulks at taking me to dinner so we barely do more than 4 times a year, I do buy L'oreal face cream as a treat! And after account-gate, I bought a new sofa and myself some jewellery, which felt really naughty.

I'm afraid the reality of your situation is that your DH is supportive of your being an artist for as long as it doesn't impact on his professional and personal life.

He SHOULD be willing to compromise, but I rather doubt he will. Youv'e offered him the compromise, he sabotaged it. Now go for what you want. It's still a compromise, and you wouldn't be the only family in London with a second house in the country. But... what will you do if he refuses to even consider this? Can you force the situation? Are you willing to force the situation? Because I think you'll find that your DH no longer stays a 'D'H and will become quite antagonistic about the whole thing, and will blame you for any hardship or difficulty that comes his and your way.