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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hardly see my friends anymore - is this normal?

43 replies

Crimson72 · 10/12/2018 09:47

I'm at an age (early thirties) where most of my friends are now married and some are beginning to start a family.

Although we all live relatively close to each other, nowadays I see them very little - probably about three or four times a year, and that includes my child-free friends as well.

One of my best friends has two children under the age of three and a full-time job, so admittedly she has a lot on her plate. But she only lives a half-hour drive away from me and we've seen each other twice this year. I recently messaged her to arrange a meet-up and she said she'd get back to me with some dates but never did.

AIBU to feel a bit sad about this - and is it normal to see so little of one's friends at my stage in life?

OP posts:
AntMoon · 10/12/2018 09:52

I'm early 30s too, married, no kids, and noticed the same thing! I do see more of friends when they're on maternity leave with newborns, I make the effort to go see them and help out. But once they're back to work it's trickier!

Spare time is taken up with priorities and I think it's just part of life really. Can you join a few new groups to extend your friendship group? In suggesting it because I need to do it!

Alfie190 · 10/12/2018 09:52

I think you need to find some new friends, you have simply drifted apart from these.

Butterflycookie · 10/12/2018 09:55

I don’t really have many friends and the ones that I do I hardly see. I dread what will happen in a few years time when they all get married and have children. I guess if they want to be friends they will make the effort. It cant be you doing all the work.

Original poster
Crimson72 · 10/12/2018 09:58

Alfie, it doesn't feel like we've drifted apart as such, as when we do meet up it's just like old times. It's just that everybody seems so busy with young families and demanding careers these days!

OP posts:
Madeline88 · 10/12/2018 09:59

I’m going to sound terrible but we only have one car and my DP works at the weekend, if we can meet in town or you’ll come over to my house then awesome but I really struggle to get to peoples houses sometimes.

Luxembourgmama · 10/12/2018 10:02

Have you offered to go to her house? I find it hard to meet up with people now i have a toddler but if they're willing to come to me then I definitely make time. Its a bit stressful bringing a toddler to someone elses non kid house as you're concerned they'll wreck the place and its hard to focus on conversation.

ChasedByBees · 10/12/2018 10:05

Sadly it’s normal for me. I think you have to make much more of an effort when you get older and your time is spread thinner.

isittheholidaysyet · 10/12/2018 10:08

I think life is just busy.
I have some very good friends who we live half an hour away from. This is the closest we have ever been.

We never see each other.

We are involved in the same church activities, and we find ourselves together for church events occasionally, often followed by a cuppa at home, and lots of "we must get together soon" "haven't seen you in months" "let's not leave it so long next time"

We meet again 6 months later at the next event. Neither of us have done anything about meeting up.

We are still very close friends, and would drop everything in an emergency for each other. But life is just busy.

EssentialHummus · 10/12/2018 10:09

I find it hard to meet up with people now i have a toddler but if they're willing to come to me then I definitely make time. Its a bit stressful bringing a toddler to someone elses non kid house as you're concerned they'll wreck the place and its hard to focus on conversation.

I agree with this. I have a 15/16 month old. Taking her to other people's non - child - proofed houses is doable but likely to be stressful.

Echobelly · 10/12/2018 10:10

Yes, I think it's pretty normal for a lot of people. Some people do have local best mates they see regularly, but I only see my friends a couple of times a year. I was upset about it for a while in my 20s, then realised it was normal - it's not like we're all at school or uni together anymore, and when I thought about my own parents, I realised they only saw their friends a few times a year.

I think as long as it feels like old times whenever you get together, OP, that's perfectly healthy.

CryingMessFFS · 10/12/2018 10:11

It’s quite normal I think. With having a partner plus their family plus your own family plus children plus work it feels like your pulled in 100 directions and time is scarce yet precious. So something has to give and usually it’s friendships and time with your and partners family that has to reduce. I see my friends maybe once a month and usually it’s at one of our houses for a glass of wine so a few hours. It’s hard to get a time when we are all free (4 of us). We’re early 30s and I’m the only one with children but we are all juggling a lot. We’re like you and your friend - when we meet up nothings changed and it’s great!

Have you actually said to her ‘I really want to see you and we’ve only met up twice this year, are you free next week for me to pop round for a girlie night in’ to see how she responds?

CryingMessFFS · 10/12/2018 10:12

I agree with this. I have a 15/16 month old. Taking her to other people's non - child - proofed houses is doable but likely to be stressful

This is also very true

Clare45BST · 10/12/2018 10:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OneStepMoreFun · 10/12/2018 10:16

Crimson, it is (ime) impossible to grasp how much time, energy and headspace having children takes up. I didn;t quite 'get' that they were 24/7 for 18 years until I had them. I had no ability to think about anything but them for the firts few years, so friendships with single/childless friends just faded because the energy it takes ot keep them alive (shared interests, caring about ups and downs of love life/work life etc just wasn't there.
You deserve some new friends - child free ones or ones with older DC who aren't so head-sucked into family life. If/when you have DC of your own, the old friends will come back into your life with all their wisdom and experience.

Original poster
Crimson72 · 10/12/2018 10:32

Thanks all - it's reassuring to know that this isn't unusual.

OneStep - you say that your friendships with single/child-free friends faded. What about your friends with kids?

OP posts:
CemetaryGates · 10/12/2018 10:40

I feel the same as @Luxembourgmama where she said;

" Its a bit stressful bringing a toddler to someone elses non kid house as you're concerned they'll wreck the place and its hard to focus on conversation."

I find it really stressful visiting other people's homes, and find it miles easier to focus on conversation with friends when they come to my house, although I realise it's not very fair to expect people to visit me all the time.

It's the same in a cafe / restaurant, you can't relax because your focus always has to be on your child, so it does make socialising more difficult. Plus you have to work everything around naps and bedtimes etc. I'd love to see my friends more, but it's just harder now.

LightTripper · 10/12/2018 10:42

We are now early 40s with young kids but I remember in my 30s when all my friends started having kids that this definitely happened a bit to me. I just went out of my way to offer to come to them, just pop in for coffee while their kids napped, take their kids to the playground/park so we could chat/have coffee while the kids played, or whatever.

Now I'm a parent I realise you feel quite guilty when you invite your child-free friends over and then everything is inevitably child-focused and it feels like it must be very boring for them (or even worse when you take your kids to their non-child proofed house and spend the whole time feeling slightly on edge in case something gets trashed!). But I also remember from a few years ago I just wanted to see my friends and I didn't mind if their kids were around or we were doing child-friendly stuff as long as we had a chance for a chat.

I think if you want to see them more you just have to be a bit forward and say "I'd love to see you but realise diaries are crazy - if I was in your area shopping could we meet up for a quick coffee or take the kids to the playground together for an hour while I'm there" or "why don't we do takeaway at yours and I'll bring the wine?" or something like that and you'll almost certainly find they'll say yes. It's not generally hard to find an hour or even two - it's the pressure that you feel like you need to find a whole day and cater and have some quality non child-centred time that is hard to offer. Or if you go out in the evening the stress of finding a babysitter and being behind on prep for the next day.

I realise it's unfair that it always seems to be the child-free making the running but now I have kids its amazing how I don't intend to be a bad friend but a year can just disappear in the blink of an eye...

CookPassBabtridge · 10/12/2018 11:14

Definitely normal. The only people I see regularly now are people in my daily life- school run, school events, local stuff. I have no time or energy to travel to meet people!

SilverBirchTree · 10/12/2018 11:31

I think it's normal. Life gets really busy. I love my friends but at the end of the week, I feel like I've barely seen my husband. We like to spend the weekends pottering with our toddler...to the detriment of our social lives.

Trippingalongalong · 10/12/2018 11:38

I am 40 and everyone is just emerging from this haze. I am lucky I guess as I am an extrovert (as in, need social stimulus to be happy, not like a massive performer who needs an audience) so that gave me the motivation to stay in touch with people. I do remember going to see an arty, thoughtful film with 3 childfree friends, two of them guys (I found early years childhood just doninated by women somehow, not bad at all as I love women, but it was all intensely FEMALE) and feeling like I’d fallen through the rabbit hole to where people still went out and had a civilised glass of wine and intellectual chats. It was almost like I was hallucinating.

It is worth hanging on in there with friends any which way I find - on whatsapp, Text, a snatched coffee or drink, a yearly get together, making it for some event every so often even if it’s a struggle. It is so worth it to still have a network at the other end of the tunnel!

RoboticSealpup · 10/12/2018 12:13

Like others have said, it's really hard to go to non-childproofed houses with small children. You can't relax because your constantly making sure they don't fall don't the stairs/pull ornaments down/etc. It's also really hard to have people over in the evenings because you still have to do the bedtime routine with bath, story, toothbrushing, etc whilst your friend is waiting for you to come back to your 'relaxing' glass of wine. It's not always possible to just hand it over to dad if mum is the one who normally does it. They will just scream for mum all evening and it will be impossible to relax. So your only two options are to ask your partner to do it all himself, so you can go out, which can be pretty stressful for him and you're bound to feel a bit guilty abut that, or you can ask local family to help out, which is not an option for many. We don't have any family in the county and frankly if we did, we would use those favours to go out together as a couple, which we haven't done more than a handful of times since DD was born 4 years ago.

Needless to say, I don't really have any friends except other mums I meet up with for playdates...

OutPinked · 10/12/2018 12:16

Normal in adulthood full stop I think. As a teenager I lived in my best friend’s pocket because we had time on our hands to do that. Then you get jobs, start uni, maybe have a family etc and your priorities change. We now see one another a couple of times a year.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 10/12/2018 12:18

It sounds very infrequent! I think you need to meet people with more spare time.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 10/12/2018 12:19

I see friends about three times a week, some of these are the same friends. But we don't have kids, admittedly.

PerfectPeony · 10/12/2018 12:20

Do you work full time?

I’m on maternity leave and at the moment I only really see Mum friends. My close friends from school I see a few times a year (although they don’t all live close). Or I have other groups of friends and we always plan to meet up but never do.

When I go back to work (part time), I’ll probably only see friends who have babies/ kids the same age. And that’s during the daytime, evening and weekends I’m mostly with DH or catching up with family.

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