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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Hardly see my friends anymore - is this normal?

43 replies

Crimson72 · 10/12/2018 09:47

I'm at an age (early thirties) where most of my friends are now married and some are beginning to start a family.

Although we all live relatively close to each other, nowadays I see them very little - probably about three or four times a year, and that includes my child-free friends as well.

One of my best friends has two children under the age of three and a full-time job, so admittedly she has a lot on her plate. But she only lives a half-hour drive away from me and we've seen each other twice this year. I recently messaged her to arrange a meet-up and she said she'd get back to me with some dates but never did.

AIBU to feel a bit sad about this - and is it normal to see so little of one's friends at my stage in life?

OP posts:

Notacluethisxmas · 10/12/2018 12:23

The only friends are see regularly are my work friends, but at work. Nights out are few and far between

And my best friend. She lives a 5 min drive away. We work hard to see eachother 2-3 times a week. We are very close.

I am now with her brother and he is moving in to my house next week. So I get to visit his family and my best friend all at once.

We both work and both have kids. As I say it's not easy. But we both arrange times to drop in on eachother well in advance.

Original poster

Crimson72 · 10/12/2018 12:24

Yes I do work full time, as do all my friends.

OP posts:

Original poster

Crimson72 · 10/12/2018 12:26

Notaclue two or three times a week sounds like a lot to me - I’m not sure I’d want that! (I’m not a massively outgoing person).

The other thing is that several of my friends with kids are now considering moving out of London (where I am currently) for a better quality of life etc. Which means I’ll end up seeing even less of them than I do now!

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 10/12/2018 12:29

Your friend with two children under 3 and a full time job is probably struggling to schedule a trip to the loo let alone meeting friends for catch ups no matter how much she’d like to.

When people have very young kids and a hectic schedule you basihave to do whatever works for them if you want to see them. You’ve fallen off the bottom of her list right now but you could still send her a friendly text asking what could work for her and emphasise that you totally understand and will fit in with whatever she can manage.

Happyandshiney · 10/12/2018 12:31

By all means widen your circle of child free friends but don’t give up in your friends with small children completely. As their children get older and it’s easier to find babysitters they’ll have more time.

We were the only one in our group not up have D.C. for many years and things did drift but with a little officer of both sides we held the relationships together enough to stay friends.

Popc0rn · 10/12/2018 12:32

I'm also early thirties, friends starting to have kids etc. I also feel like I see some of my friends less nowadays, and it makes me feel a bit sad too. It's just not as easy to arrange things anymore as everyone has more on their plate, but I do try to make an effort to keep in touch with people. I've made plans to see friends three times this coming week; I initiated the meet ups. Give one of your friends a text and see if they fancy a drink or a Christmas film night .

My boyfriend sees his friends a lot more than me, but they have a shared hobby.

abacucat · 10/12/2018 12:55

I see different friends two or three times a week. I admit I no longer make the effort to see friends who can only see me a few times a year but live close. If they contact me to arrange something fine, but otherwise I would rather spend time with people who prioritise friendship.
It is different of friends really are having a hard time and exceptionally busy. But a lot of the time what people simply mean is that they are prioritising other things.

silkpyjamasallday · 10/12/2018 13:22

DP and I were the first in our social circle to have a baby, and at first people made the effort to meet up and do things with me but it quickly tailed off and I don't think I've seen any of my friends for over a year at this point. DPs friends however have continued to make the effort, and we see a few of them a week, they all love coming to do family things with us and DD. They buy her gifts and remember her birthday, offer to babysit for us and generally go above and beyond to facilitate seeing us because they seem to understand how hard it is with little ones. I wouldn't have thought it would be the male friends making the effort tbh.

One of my oldest and closest friends dropped off the face of the earth seemingly, then after months of silence, messaged me a few days ago apologising for being crap at replying/making the effort. I replied saying it didn't matter we are all super busy blah blah blah, and asked about what she's been up to, how her pets are etc. No reply. It's exhausting and I really don't have the energy to maintain things with people who can't reciprocate with even 10% effort.

OneStepMoreFun · 10/12/2018 22:02

OP when I was single/childless, I saw far less of my friends who were married with kids. And though i still loved them it wa smutual as we had so little to talk about. I wanted to drink and party and talk about work and love and they wanted to catch up in the park while they paid most of their attention to what their toddlers were doing which at the time I found infuriating and rude - I get it now!

Butteredghost · 10/12/2018 22:15

I think it's normal and even the kids thing is a bit of a red herring. My friends are early 30s without kids, some partnered, some single, and it's the exact same. We meet maybe 3 times a year. Any suggested meeting has to be booked months in advance and everyone saying on whatsapp "sorry the next 6 months I'm completely booked up" and "oh but I'm just sooooo busy". I'm not busy at so I secretly wonder what they are so busy with. But I dont say that or I would seem like a loser.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 10/12/2018 22:40

I'm 31 with four kids. I literally never have any spare time to socialise or meet friends and as a result my friendships with childless friends have gone out the window. I do sometimes try and arrange things but it's a big effort to do things with four children in tow and I sometimes feel like there's no point as we can't relax and talk. I've had to make new friends with kids as we have more in common and we can do things based around the kids.

Happyandshiney · 11/12/2018 06:48

abucat.two or three times a week? Goodness, that seems like a huge amount. I’d love to know how you manage that, do you work full time?

Blueshells · 11/12/2018 06:53

For all the smug mummy 'she hasn't even got time to go to the loo' posts, it is worth trying at least to maintain friendships as ten years down the line you might need these friends again.

Brighton2 · 11/12/2018 07:11

Same. I’m 30 and it’s been like this for me for years. My husband and I always go away for the weekend for my birthday, which is near Christmas, as I wouldn’t have any plans otherwise. I don’t suggest birthday drinks as I feel no one will be able to make it 😬 but I’m happy spending it with my husband of course ☺️

I’ve got a few friends in my town that I haven’t even seen for ages, one of them is currently on mat leave and I’m even struggling to pin her down on a date.

I find I see a lot more of friends who are single or have no children, and live in our nearest city rather than the town I actually live in. These people seem to be more available and keen to go for drinks etc.

Sipperskipper · 11/12/2018 07:11

I’m 33 with one toddler DC. Work part time. See my best friend regularly (once a week ish) as she is also part time with 2 little DC, and lives
locally. Due to this I see her more now than pre DC! We see our other best friend every couple of weeks too (works full time, no DC). This tends to be something in the day, with the kids though as she works flexible hours.

These same friends are both DH & I’s friends, from a group of great college friends of about 15 years. We see some other friends from this group pretty much every weekend, and then the whole group together about once or twice a year.

When we do see our friends (bar the whole group thing which is often a meal / drinks out) it is usually with DD, walking in the woods or at each other’s houses. We very rarely have time just us and our friends, so the dynamic has probably changed a bit for now!

I think the main reason we are able to see each other regularly still is that I work part time, and many of our friends live locally - and like spending time with DD too.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 11/12/2018 07:13

I have a small group of groups of friends who I rotate , so assuming I socialise once or twice a month I see friends 2-3 times a year . When I see them it’s lovely

But it does make me question who I actually see and whether I enjoy their company

Minniemountain · 11/12/2018 07:19

It's about priorities. I have a 5yo but am pretty available as I have a 9-5 job and 1DC. And a cat. A good friend who lives round the corner will only manage the pub a few times a year as she works shifts, has 2DC, a dog and an allotment.

Happyandshiney · 11/12/2018 13:42

Do you really think they are “smug mummy” posts Blue?

“Smug” just because people have full and possibly overwhelming lives?

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