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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think some parents would complain about any punishment?

39 replies

abacucat · 10/12/2018 00:07

I have seen so many posts on here complaining about the way in which their child was punished by the school. I have read complaints about extra work, litter picking, isolation, loss of a treat, detention and a bollocking as methods of punishment.
I have come to the conclusion that some parents would complain about any punishment their child got, whatever that punishment was.

OP posts:
SpiritedLondon · 10/12/2018 00:10

Probably. Some parents will always seek to place the blame elsewhere too... little Jenny or Jonny will always have “ fallen in with the wrong crowd” - it’s rare for a parent to acknowledge that their child IS the wrong crowd. On that basis any punishment is considered draconian.

starzig · 10/12/2018 00:20

Why would you punish an angel with SEN.

incallthebloodytime · 10/12/2018 00:26

I think if it's a case that a child is genuinely unable to behave in the way of their peers - parents need to handle this with the inclusion officer in the school not get angry. Come up with solutions and awareness.

But if it's clear bullying where a child is repeatedly punished by only one teacher - first ask for it to be investigated but then sure get angry

If however it's odd occasions- you weren't there! How would you know?! I'm sure if we could be flies on a wall we would be all in for a shock sometimes. In parenting - you're meant to not show division, keep a joint stance so you're not played off against the other. I don't think it's any different with school- back each other up ffs

MrsTerryPratcett · 10/12/2018 00:57

DD's old teacher used to punish her all the time. Didn't work. And DD came home telling me she was stupid and awful and deserved the bullying that followed the humiliation from the teacher.

Her new teacher laid down boundaries the first day, sticks to them, and says he has "no trouble at all".

She is an angel with SEN. Those imaginary SEN that you clearly think are just bad parenting. I mean they are diagnosed but you obviously know better.

Greensleeves · 10/12/2018 01:03

This is such a pointless and destructive thread title. All it can do is encourage a binary "teachers vs parents" dynamic and cause people to entrench and get defensive. Most parents who complain are worried about their children, SEN angels (nice Hmm)included. Some are unreasonable and abusive, yes, but most aren't. Most teachers are doing their best under very difficult conditions. Some are unreasonable and unfair, yes, but most aren't.

Not everyone who raises a concern about a punishment is an overprotective, whinging blowhard with a spoilt entitled brat for a child. Sometimes there really is something in the complaint. And sometimes there isn't, and the parent is a twat.

Original poster
abacucat · 10/12/2018 01:03

I said nothing about SEN in my OP post. This is not about this. But about parents who think any punishment is never okay for their child.

OP posts:
Whyarealltheusernamestaken · 10/12/2018 01:17

I’m on the fence on this one, I’ve seen parents completely deny any wrongdoings of a child, even when faced with evidence. I’ve also seen children victimised and their only respite was they had parents willing to stand up for them. Hopefully the “some” parents you speak of won’t make it harder for the rest to be believed when something is truest wrong

Walkingdeadfangirl · 10/12/2018 02:57

But my little angel would never intentionally hurt anyone, so why should they be punished. Its obviously the school being draconian in its behaviour policy.

stargazer2030 · 10/12/2018 03:51

Regardless of the reasons I have to say isolation is an horrific punishment and should never be used. These are school children ffs not category A prisoners. To make them sit facing a wall for hours and sometimes days on end, sometimes for the most minor of things (;thinking uniform violation here -sometimes out of their hands - for example one I have read on here - hole in shoe noticed Sunday night, sent with slightly wrong shoes and note saying new ones will be purchased, child put in isolation!).
This seems to be relitavely new too and cannot see how it could possibly work. Am sure there is no evidence to back up that it does.

BoneyBackJefferson · 10/12/2018 06:54

To make them sit facing a wall for hours and sometimes days on end,

You really need to look at what really happens in isolation and not the threads on here.

SnuggyBuggy · 10/12/2018 06:58

You sometimes get that parent but you do also get cases where a particular teacher has a child they pick on or where a teacher just rushes over shouting and dishing out punishment without bothering to find out what's going on.

That's not to mention prison camp academies that seem to be springing up.

Faithless12 · 10/12/2018 06:58

Yanbu. We had a massive issue in our class whatsapp group recently where a parent complained about a punishment the school doesn’t even use. Her son said it did so therefore it does.
One of the parents in the group who has children with SEN, explained the punishment isn’t used. Her DC has been punished and she accepts it. As she put it sometime he is just a naughty year 3.

Faithless12 · 10/12/2018 07:02

@stargazer2030 I don’t see how isolation is relatively new. It’s been around since I was at school so over 20 years.
The OP you are talking about did not communicate with the school just sent him in with incorrect shoes.

SnuggyBuggy · 10/12/2018 07:13

Isolation used to only be a last resort for serious things.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 10/12/2018 07:25

I read a thread on here recently where a girl defended herself from a boy, was given no chance to explain her own actions and was put in isolation while said boy continued to tell lies about her. The school also lied to the parent of the girl. Sometimes schools behave appallingly and fortunately that girl has a parent who will advocate for her.

I am a former teacher, so not anti teacher at all, but having seen the way some adults conduct themselves and having been outright lied to myself by a headteacher regarding staff behaviour towards my child, I don't automatically assume the teacher is right anymore.
Some methods of punishment are unfair - like whole class detentions or where the child wasn't in control of the action (uniform not being right).

A parent has to look out for their children because schools don't always get it right.

JustABetterPlayer · 10/12/2018 07:40

Op you are correct Grin

EwItsAHooman · 10/12/2018 07:44

Why would you punish an angel with SEN

Not t even halfway down the first page and there's the first shitty comment about SEN. Many schools do mishandle children with SN and/or SEN (which are two entirely different things) as they cannot meet the child's complex needs for whatever reason and cannot manage behaviour resulting from those needs. Case in point, DS old school would demerit him for behaviours like "being fidgety" (stimming), "repeating without contributing" (echolalia), and "daydreaming instead of working" (unable to organise tasks due to low processing ability). Three demerits and you spend the rest of the day working outside the headteacher's office so guess where DS spent most of his time? Absolutely zero support from school to help him manage his SN, only punishment. We moved him to a different school and they are amazing with him. His class teacher has taken the time to learn his quirks and is really good at spotting his triggers, telling the difference between when he's just messing about and when he genuinely can't help it, and pre-empting his needs (e.g., giving him something to fiddle with or doodle on when he needs to sit and listen for a prolonged period because he needs to fidget to be able to concentrate). They don't punish him for things he can't help and instead support him in finding ways to manage his needs, he is included in this process too and is invited to SENCO meetings about him. He's a different child to the one he was last term and has gone from umpteen demerits to only one this term, he just got his platinum merit award (150 merits) last week.

A parent has to look out for their children because schools don't always get it right.

This in spades.

BarbarianMum · 10/12/2018 07:50

"Isolation of used to only be a last resort for serious things"

Yes and generations of children had their learning disrupted by a handful of prats pissing about.

marshmallowkittycat · 10/12/2018 08:03

Schools get it wrong sometimes, parents get it wrong sometimes. There's usually a compromise to be reached. However, I'm still amused by the parent who told me her daughter wasn't allowed to go to detention as on an evening her daughter and her friends 'do coffee'. Plenty of friends to be made in detention!

Augusta2012 · 10/12/2018 08:09

Why would you punish an angel with SEN.

That’s really horrible, I thought on MN at least we had got past the ignorant assumption that children with SEN are just badly behaved.

My children are NT, but I know from my work how hard it is to get a diagnosis and from posts on here.

speakout · 10/12/2018 08:13

I have never punished my children. I don't punish my OH, my elderly mother or animals.

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 10/12/2018 08:14

@incallthebloodytime Let me tell you a story from an ex-teacher.
I once had a student whose parent was convinced, as you said, that I bullied them (while actually I think I was bullied by the kid). They were perfectly behaved in other subjects, but clearly hated mine with passion from the minute he came through my door, which they actually admitted on a few occasions. They would put zero effort in, they would make animal sounds in the back of the room, they would 'boooo' when I was walking down the corridor- and lead the class, completely ruining most lessons as other kids picked up on his behaviour and caused mayhem. And each time I had to ring home about a detention parents were adamant it was my fault and that I was picking on their child who was an angel. Meetings with HOY and HOD have not solved the problem and I had to suffer him for a large part of the year, when they suggested moving him away from being oppressed by me to a different class. Where he behaved in the exact same way. Perfectly possible to alter behaviours between lessons/teachers/subjects, and sometimes unfortunately it becomes personal.

Not saying bullying by teachers isn't happening, some people should not be in the classroom, but it works both ways.

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 10/12/2018 08:19

@MrsTerryPratcett Sorry your daughter was not treated respectfully by her first teacher. I never punished students with SEN the same way (so, lets say they would not have official warnings for not doing any work if I knew concentration was an issue, and for that matter I would not give sanctions to things that were easily corrected to any student, if I could just tap them on a shoulder and remind them to complete work), but have unfortunately taught SEN students who were no angels and whose parents would use SEN as a way for them to get out of the most horrific situations. There is a fine line between having a compulsion to do something, and doing something evil on purpose and enjoying it, and then turning around to the teacher and saying 'Well, you can't punish me anyways, lol, bye!'.

Claw001 · 10/12/2018 08:20

Why would you punish an angel with SEN

What an irrelevant thing to say 🙄

OutPinked · 10/12/2018 08:23

YANBU. There’s a god awful Father at my DC’s school who has perfect children that could never do any wrong. The head teacher stands on the gate at the end of the school day and I’ve heard him complaining to him a couple of times about his DD’s punishments. He makes endless excuses for her and talks to her like she’s a baby, it’s pathetic. You can just see what he’d be like if his DD got into trouble in secondary school, he’d be the type of parent to go in and make a formal complaint Hmm.

Sadly some parents just can’t accept that their children aren’t perfect angels.

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